National News

#BREAKING: PM Agrees To Stand Aside Until 70% Of Australia’s Population Is Vaccinated

Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce is set to take over running the country, as the PM agrees to temporarily stand aside. "My government and I have decided this is the best course of action for the nation," says Scott Morrison....
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Byron Shire Mayor Begins Mass Roll Out Of CBD Oil, As The Area Begins Lockdown

The Byron Shire mayor says CBD oil is the key to containing Covid-19, after a Sydney man took the virus to the popular coastal town. "All we need to do is stay calm," says mayor Sam Hendry. "Our immune systems...
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Regulators Force ‘Big Brother VIP’ To Be Renamed ‘Big Brother’

Regulators have ordered the Seven Network rename its new reality TV show 'Big Brother VIP,' after a full line up of 'celebrities' appearing was released. "The acronym 'VIP' suggests there are 'very important people' on the show," says the ACCC's...
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#BREAKING: Sydney’s Delta Outbreak Traced Back To Jimmy From The Bachelor

NSW Health contact tracers have identified the 2021 Bachelor Jimmy Nicholson as patient zero for Sydney's Delta outbreak. "Initially we believed it was a Bondi limousine driver, however further contact tracing work shows it was actually Mr Nicholson from The...
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DBT STARTER KIT: For Violent Anti-Lockdown Protesters

FREeDOm fIgHTeR: If you'd like to be part of the violent anti-lockdown protest movement, there's a few important things you'll need before getting started. Firstly, a bandana is a must-have for that bad boy rebel image. Wearing a bandana will...
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Unrelenting Flow Of Reality TV Saves Woman From Having To Think About Her Own Life

A bleak combination of winter, Covid-19 and general laziness is forcing Sydney's Ange Pulver to use reality TV to find meaning and purpose in her own life. "I'm really invested in all the contestants on Beauty and the Geek," she...
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Ch 7 Announce Pauline Hanson As Replacement For Katie Hopkins On Celebrity Big Brother

One Nation Leader Pauline Hanson has agreed to take Katie Hopkins' spot on Celebrity Big Brother, it's been confirmed. "We're relieved and excited Pauline has accepted our offer," says Seven programming executive Mike Hanley. "We need another far-right, racist type...
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New Research Shows Vaccination May Be Ineffective Unless You Post A Selfie Of It

The Prime Minister is urging anyone who gets vaccinated to make sure they share a selfie of it to social media. "Please, do the right thing," says Scott Morrison. "We're all in this together. We desperately need to lift our...
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PM Reveals Australia’s Confronting New Covid Advert Was Directed By Stephen King

FEAR FACTOR: Legendary horror writer Stephen King was the brains behind the federal government's confronting new TV advertisement warning about the dangers of Covid-19. The 30 second clip shows a terrified young woman struggling to breath on a ventilator. "Obviously...
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Kyrgios Bitter Ash Barty Has All The Attention Without Abusing Umpires Or Smashing Racquets

Australian tennis bad boy Nick Kyrgios has unleashed on the Wimbledon winner Ash Barty. "She might be a good player and all, but tennis at this level is about so much more than playing ability," says Kyrgios. "It's about providing...
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