National News

NSW Health contact tracers have identified the 2021 Bachelor Jimmy Nicholson as patient zero for Sydney's Delta outbreak. "Initially we believed it was a Bondi limousine driver, however further contact tracing work shows it was actually Mr Nicholson from The...
FREeDOm fIgHTeR: If you'd like to be part of the violent anti-lockdown protest movement, there's a few important things you'll need before getting started. Firstly, a bandana is a must-have for that bad boy rebel image. Wearing a bandana will...
A bleak combination of winter, Covid-19 and general laziness is forcing Sydney's Ange Pulver to use reality TV to find meaning and purpose in her own life. "I'm really invested in all the contestants on Beauty and the Geek," she...
One Nation Leader Pauline Hanson has agreed to take Katie Hopkins' spot on Celebrity Big Brother, it's been confirmed. "We're relieved and excited Pauline has accepted our offer," says Seven programming executive Mike Hanley. "We need another far-right, racist type to...
The Prime Minister is urging anyone who gets vaccinated to make sure they share a selfie of it to social media. "Please, do the right thing," says Scott Morrison. "We're all in this together. We desperately need to lift our...
FEAR FACTOR: Legendary horror writer Stephen King was the brains behind the federal government's confronting new TV advertisement warning about the dangers of Covid-19. The 30 second clip shows a terrified young woman struggling to breath on a ventilator. "Obviously our...
Australian tennis bad boy Nick Kyrgios has unleashed on the Wimbledon winner Ash Barty. "She might be a good player and all, but tennis at this level is about so much more than playing ability," says Kyrgios. "It's about providing...
A local sales executive is flexing his acting skills today, pretending to be upset about the extended lockdown set to be announced by the NSW Premier. "I'm really missing all of you guys," Ben Hutton told colleagues on this morning's...
One week out from the State of Origin final, NSW's bid for a series clean sweep has been dealt a potentially lethal blow. Ahead of next Wednesday's match at Stadium Australia, the Queensland Premier has announced that NSW players must...
A sexually frustrated Sydney man has posted photos of himself preparing a salad to Instagram. The photo montage includes a shot of himself in action, and another of the pear, apple and roasted walnut salad he claims to have made,...

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