National News

Greens MP Calls For Drug Amnesty Bins To Be Placed At The Entry To Federal Parliament

The Australian Greens political party is calling for drug amnesty bins to be rolled out at the main entry to Federal Parliament House in Canberra. It follows the announcement yesterday that amnesty bins will be introduced at NSW music festivals...
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George Pell Requests Temporary Prison Release To Attend Carols By Candlelight

Convicted paedophile George Pell has requested he be temporarily released from a Melbourne prison so he can attend Carols By Candlelight on December 21. "It's a very important time of the year and Carols By Candlelight is an event which...
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Pell Requests To Be Held In Juvenile Detention Ahead Of His Final Appeal

Disgraced Cardinal George Pell has made a formal request to the High Court to be transferred to juvenile detention. "This is a safety issue," claims Pell's legal team. "Our client says he would feel more comfortable around young offenders." It...
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PM Leads Special Prayers For The Bushfires To Steer Clear Of Australia’s Coal Mines

As bushfires ravage parts of NSW and QLD, the Prime Minister conducted a special prayer service on behalf of the coal mining industry. Scott Morrison led an early morning service at the Horizon Pentecostal Christian Church in the Sutherland Shire....
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#BREAKING: Paul ‘Fatty’ Vautin Announced As New Host Of The Today Show

The television industry is in shock today after Channel Nine announced that Paul 'Fatty' Vautin will be the Today show's new host alongside Allison Langdon. "We are very excited to have Fatty back on air at Channel Nine," says Nine...
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Wallabies Coach Unable To Hear Calls For His Resignation Due To Severe Cauliflower Ears

Doctors say Michael Cheika's cauliflower ears are preventing him from hearing the growing calls for him to step down as Wallabies Coach. The former lock developed a severe case of cauliflower ears during the 90's while playing for Randwick and...
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Thick Smoke Plume Hangs Over Canberra As Stoners Try To Forget About NRL Grand Final Loss

The Canberra Raiders' loss to the Sydney Roosters in last night's NRL grand final has helped trigger a thick blanket of smoke hanging above the ACT. "We're seeing very smokey conditions around Canberra today, and potential remains for another smokey...
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Swedish Activist Expresses Disgust At Scott Morrison For Shitting Himself At Maccas

A furious Greta Thunberg has lashed out at the Australian PM, amid reports he shat himself at Engadine McDonalds in 1997. "How dare you?" yelled the Swedish activist. "How does someone shit inside McDonalds, and then go on to become...
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ADF Commits to $4 Million Spend On Milk Crates And Shopping Trolleys

The Australian Defence Force (ADF) is dramatically increasing its arsenal of milk crates and shopping trolleys. "Today we're announcing a $4 million purchase of these items, which have recently both proved crucial in thwarting terrorist activity in Australia," says Defence...
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Unknown Leftie Brunette To Replace Unknown Leftie Brunette On ABC News Breakfast

A woman with short brown hair will replace another woman with equally short brown hair as presenter on ABC News Breakfast. Lisa Millar (left) is set to step into the role left vacant by Virginia Trioli. "Lisa is a top...
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