National News
“We Can’t Hand Out Rapid Tests For Free,” Says PM Who Handed Out $89 Billion In JobKeeper
FULL STORY: The Prime Minister is continuing to resist pressure to provide rapid antigen tests for free, even as state testing regimes buckle. "I understand some people will get sick and possibly even die, and that's a shame, but at...
‘Influencer’ Signs Off Insta With: ‘Fu*k u 2021,’ Despite Earning More In Job Keeper Than In Entire Career
SIDE HUSTLE: A local 'influencer' has became the latest person to post an end of year tribute selfie. With 2,300 instagram followers, Joe Hewitson is also a 'content creator' operating as a sole trader. "Fu*k u 2021," he captioned his...
Annastacia Palaszczuk Threatens Lockdown For QLD, After Not Being Invited Anywhere For NYE
SOCIAL DILEMMA: With New Year's Eve only two days away, the Queensland Premier says a statewide lockdown is "still very much on the cards." Annastacia Palaszczuk's NYE threat comes amid surging covid case numbers in Queensland. But political insiders say...
Local Cocaine Users Overwhelm State Government’s Free Nose & Sinus Clearing Service
BACKED UP: Cocaine users around Sydney are turning out in droves to take advantage of the state government's new complementary nose and sinus clearing service. "It's great to see NSW Health offering this important service," says one regular cocaine user....
Local Real Estate Agent Updates Instagram Bio To ‘Public Figure,’ After Leasing A Mercedes C200
FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT: Local real estate agent Jason Berner has announced the next brave step in his 3 year career. The 28 year old has listed himself as a 'public figure' on Instagram after selling his old...
Spike In Demand For Grocery Home Delivery, As Shoppers Avoid Supermarket Xmas Carols
Australia's major supermarkets are experiencing a huge surge in demand for grocery home deliveries in the lead up to Christmas. "Home deliveries are up 542% over the last three weeks," says Coles' head of customer experience Dean Parkes. "We apologise...
Horror Writer Stephen King Releases New Book: ‘2021’
FEAR YEAR: Best selling author Stephen King has released a spine tingling new book, based on the events of this year. Reviewers say the book, called '2021,' is among King's most horrific and evil work to date. "It's savage," says...
#BREAKING: Embattled WA Premier Launches Perth’s Bold Bid To Host Next Year’s Melbourne Cup
LONG ODDS: After being stripped of the fifth Ashes test, WA's Premier is taking drastic action to prevent his state being completely excluded from the national sporting calendar. Mark McGowan has announced on Twitter this morning Perth's bid to host...
PM Now Advertising For Federal Cabinet Ministers On Seek, Amid Liberal Party Exodus
LABOR SHORTAGE: The federal Liberal Party is on the hunt for fresh faces after losing three senior cabinet ministers in the space of 24 hours. "As we move toward the federal election next year, we need new talent as quickly...
“Let’s Crack Down On FB Trolls,” Says Leader Of Parliament Where 33% Of Staff Are Sexually Harassed
BLAME GAME: One day after revelations that 1 in 3 parliamentary staff are sexually harassed, and 50% bullied, the PM has announced an inquiry into the toxic impacts of social media. "I've heard of some disgusting behaviour happening on Facebook...
