National News
Pell Requests To Be Held In Juvenile Detention Ahead Of His Final Appeal
Disgraced Cardinal George Pell has made a formal request to the High Court to be transferred to juvenile detention. "This is a safety issue," claims Pell's legal team. "Our client says he would feel more comfortable around young offenders." It...
PM Leads Special Prayers For The Bushfires To Steer Clear Of Australia’s Coal Mines
As bushfires ravage parts of NSW and QLD, the Prime Minister conducted a special prayer service on behalf of the coal mining industry. Scott Morrison led an early morning service at the Horizon Pentecostal Christian Church in the Sutherland Shire....
#BREAKING: Paul ‘Fatty’ Vautin Announced As New Host Of The Today Show
The television industry is in shock today after Channel Nine announced that Paul 'Fatty' Vautin will be the Today show's new host alongside Allison Langdon. "We are very excited to have Fatty back on air at Channel Nine," says Nine...
Wallabies Coach Unable To Hear Calls For His Resignation Due To Severe Cauliflower Ears
Doctors say Michael Cheika's cauliflower ears are preventing him from hearing the growing calls for him to step down as Wallabies Coach. The former lock developed a severe case of cauliflower ears during the 90's while playing for Randwick and...
Thick Smoke Plume Hangs Over Canberra As Stoners Try To Forget About NRL Grand Final Loss
The Canberra Raiders' loss to the Sydney Roosters in last night's NRL grand final has helped trigger a thick blanket of smoke hanging above the ACT. "We're seeing very smokey conditions around Canberra today, and potential remains for another smokey...
Swedish Activist Expresses Disgust At Scott Morrison For Shitting Himself At Maccas
A furious Greta Thunberg has lashed out at the Australian PM, amid reports he shat himself at Engadine McDonalds in 1997. "How dare you?" yelled the Swedish activist. "How does someone shit inside McDonalds, and then go on to become...
ADF Commits to $4 Million Spend On Milk Crates And Shopping Trolleys
The Australian Defence Force (ADF) is dramatically increasing its arsenal of milk crates and shopping trolleys. "Today we're announcing a $4 million purchase of these items, which have recently both proved crucial in thwarting terrorist activity in Australia," says Defence...
#BREAKING: Bill Shorten Attempts To Egg Scott Morrison
Less than 48 hours after conceding defeat, Bill Shorten has tried taking his frustration out on the reigning Prime Minister. At a fundraising event in Canberra a short time ago, photographers captured the former Labor leader hurling an egg at...
Nobody Cares About Royal Baby Except News Media: Report
A groundbreaking new report has shown that nobody cares about the royal baby, except parts of the traditional news media. While tabloid and broadsheet news outlets obsess over every last detail of the birth, researchers at Sydney University have found...
Canberra Installs Stripper Pole Within Parliament House To Avoid Public Scrutiny
The Prime Minister has announced a new initiative aimed at putting an end to Australian politicians getting caught out at strip clubs. "We've decided to bring it all in-house," says Scott Morrison. "Installing a stripper pole within Parliament will allow...
