National News
#BREAKING: Trump announces plan to take control of Bondi Junction outdoor mall
TRUMP MALL: Sydney residents have been shocked by the U.S President's controversial new plan to take control of the aging Bondi Junction outdoor mall. "We will completely level the entire area and start again," says Donald Trump. "I don't believe...
Men on MAFS somehow yet to understand they need to rank their partner 1st in the photo challenge, regardless of how hot they are
"It's not an honesty challenge, it's an IQ challenge," says expert John Aiken. PHOTO CHALLENGED: Men on MAFS are still struggling to comprehend a fundamental rule of the show's photo task, in which the cast are asked to rank other...
Bondi man holidaying in Byron Bay, complaining about how many Bondi people are at Byron right now
TOO CLOSE TO HOME: A Bondi man says his holiday to tourist hot spot Byron Bay is being overrun by 'absolute blow-ins' from Bondi. "I'm so sick of all these muppets," says Craig Hawke. "There are yoga instructors, digital nomads,...
Local husband returns perfectly clean container to the dishwasher, to avoid having to make room for it in the tupperware drawer
CIRCLE OF LIFE: In a groundbreaking display of domestic ingenuity, a Sydney father and husband has put a spotless container back into the dishwasher. "It's an avant garde and time saving technique," Chris Patton told DBT. The novel approach is...
“The Australia Day date must never change!” declares white man who is still traumatised by the Coon Cheese rebrand
SET IN HIS WAYS: As Australian Day approaches, one Brisbane man is doing everything he can to ensure his voice is heard, as he does every year around this time. “The date must always remain January 26,” says Steve Waters....
Local marketing/PR executive sacked for attending a meeting without an oversized, brightly coloured hydration flask
INSTANT DISMISSAL: It's been a bad start to the year for one Sydney communications executive. Account manager Meghan Smethurst has been unceremoniously fired for turning up to a meeting without the mandatory oversized water bottle. "You've really let us, and...
“That Sam Konstas kid is a one hit wonder,” claims local boomer whose highest score was 7 runs for Easts 4th grade in 1977
OLD HAND: An outspoken local boomer has issued a blunt assessment of rising cricket star Sam Konstas at a family BBQ in Rose Bay tonight. Glen Westwood says the 19 year old test opener is a one hit wonder. “I’ve...
News Corp reporter sets ambitious new year’s resolution to finally stop writing about Raygun
αRAGE BAIT: A reporter for the national News Corp title News.com.au has set himself a bold news year's resolution. In 2025, Harry Hackman hopes to report some actual news, a huge departure from his endless stories about the controversial breakdancer...
PM announces instant deportation of anyone who was at Bronte Beach on Christmas Day, unless they come back to help clean up
CLEAN UP OR PACK UP: Australia's Prime Minister has made a brief appearance during his summer break to issue a bold threat to any revellers who were at Bronte Beach on Christmas day. "Effective immediately, any tourist, backpacker, or random...
Woman who saved 99c by finally remembering to bring a reusable tote bag to Woolies, rewards herself with a $5k tote bag from Christian Dior
GIRL MATH: A Double Bay woman is flaunting her new Christian Dior tote bag this morning. She purchased it after some quick thinking while getting ready to go to the supermarket. “Instead of buying a new reusable bag like I...
