National News
Eastern suburbs school leaver forced to cut her Schoolies Week short after discovering there’s no Sundays Bondi in Surfers Paradise
HOLIDAY HELL: It was meant to be the party of a lifetime: sun, sand and fun with her closest friends after finishing the HSC. But for one recent graduate of Kambala school in Sydney's east, Schoolies Week on the Gold...
NSW Health announce new plant-based, biodegradable alternative to help people stop vaping
SMOKE AND MIRRORS: The state government has today launched a breakthrough initiative to help combat vaping. "It's a brand-new product called 'cigarettes.'" says a spokesperson for NSW Health. Cigarettes use tobacco, a leafy plant which naturally contains nicotine. "It's a...
Woolworths now offering free counselling to grocery shoppers traumatised by seeing themselves on the self-checkout camera
RELIEF AT THE CHECKOUT: In response to growing demand, Woolworths is now offering emotional support to shoppers upset after catching a glimpse of themselves on the self-checkout camera. "I simply couldn't look back at the screen, I looked exhausted and...
Rose Bay man accused of ‘cultural appropriation’ after going to Halloween party dressed as a resident of Newtown
HIPSTER HIJACK: An eastern suburbs man is ruffling feathers in the inner west tonight, after going to a Halloween party dressed as a Newtown resident. Typically James Mathers-Reid hangs out at the Golden Sheaf, wearing polo shirts with popped collars...
University of Sydney now offering PhD on ‘How to look busy until your trust fund kicks in’
PERFORMATIVE PRODUCTIVITY: The University of Sydney today unveiled a doctoral program in a new field of study called 'Neponomics.' It's a three year PhD course educating students on how to appear industrious while patiently waiting for generational wealth to bail...
GRIN AND BARE IT: Two diametrically opposed men pose for a selfie, proving just how disingenuous social media can be
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE: The Australian Prime Minister today bumped into his US counterpart at the United Nations General Assembly in New York. Witnesses say the entire encounter lasted for "5 seconds max," just long enough for a selfie. Anthony Albanese...
Introvert who heard his neighbour out the front, delays leaving home by 5 minutes to avoid a 10 second chat
DOORWAY DREAD: A Sydney introvert who was already running late for lunch today further delayed leaving his unit, in a desperate bid to avoid his neighbour. "I was about to go when I heard him in the hallway, so I...
Single man without children torn between sleeping in, playing golf or flying to Machu Picchu
DECISION FATIGUE: A Woollahra man found himself paralysed by choice this morning as he woke up with a blissfully empty calendar on his first day of annual leave. Andrew Marshall agonised over three equally indulgent options: sleeping past 9am, going...
Local man pretending to listen, actually just waiting for gap in conversation so he can start talking about creatine again
GOOD CHAT: A Sydney man having coffee with friends today was patiently waiting for even the smallest lull in conversation so he could talk about his obsession with creatine. Josh Delaney politely nodded his way through a conversation about the...
Australians shocked by reports The Project is set to be axed; “We didn’t realise it was still on,” they say
CANCEL CULTURE: Amid growing rumours The Project is about to be axed by Network TEN, Australians are overwhelmingly responding with the same reaction: “Wait, that’s still on?” Once an iconic mainstay of Australian current affairs television, the show has struggled...
