National News
‘Dangerous Emissions’: PM To Achieve Net Zero By Not Shitting Himself At Engadine Maccas
SHIT PLAN: The Prime Minister has begun unveiling some much needed details about Australia's plan to achieve net zero carbon emissions by 2050. "We all need to do everything we can to reduce harmful gas emissions," says Scott Morrison. "And...
Nerd Without Social Skills Remains Confident He Can Make Friends In His Metaverse
SOCIAL DILEMMA: After decades of leading Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp, Mark Zuckerberg is admitting he still hasn't made any good friends. "I'm a little shy, awkward and some say robotic," the 37 year old told DBT. "Making friends and socialising...
Kmart Releases ‘Influencer’ Costume Set For Halloween, Complete With $3 Plate
RACK READY: If you haven't sorted your Halloween costume yet, Kmart may have the answer. The discount retailer has expanded its costume range so shoppers can dress up as influencers. "It's a great way for our consumers to feel cool,"...
#BREAKING: Gladys Berejiklian’s Ex-Boyfriend Is Now Reportedly Dating Annastasia Palaszczuk
NEW ROMANCE: A Sydney corruption inquiry has been told that disgraced former NSW MP Daryl Maguire is now dating Queensland Premier Annastasia Palaszczuk. The inquiry heard that border closures are currently preventing the pair from seeing each other, but they...
EXCLUSIVE: Bachelorette Leaves Show Empty Handed, As All Contestants Pair Up With Each Other
THIRD TIME UNLUCKY: Reality TV star Brooke Blurton's third attempted at finding love on TV has failed, DBT can confirm. We can reveal exclusively that the 16 Bachelors and Bachelorettes vying for Brooke's heart all ended up hooking up with...
Kmart Release ‘Melbourne Tradie Protestor’ Costume Set For Halloween
SCARY TRADIE: For those who are curious to know what it feels like to be a tradie for a day, Kmart has the answer. Two weeks before Halloween, the discount retailer Kmart has released a 'Melbourne Tradie Protestor' costume kit...
PM Reveals Plan To Set Up Federal ICAC, Once 95% Of The Population Is Fully Vaccinated
DELAYING TACTIC: The Prime Minister has this morning made his first significant commitment to the development of a federal anti-corruption body. But there's a catch. "We need you to do your bit first," says Scott Morrison. "We'll establish a national...
ICAC Launches New Inquiry To Find An Australian Politician Who Is Not Corrupt
The Independent Commission Against Corruption has begun a new inquiry aimed at finding a state or federal politician who is not corrupt. "We think there's a chance there might be one or two out there," says ICAC Chief Commissioner Peter...
QLD Premier Slowly Realising That Being A Power Tripping Bully Doesn’t Necessarily Stop Covid
The Queensland Premier is reportedly trying to come to terms with the harsh reality that draconian border closures and a bad attitude won't necessarily stop Covid. "Damn, I was pretty sure that locking up the state and tearing families apart...
New Freedom: Qantas To Allow Unvaccinated Travellers On Flights, But Only In The Cargo Hold
CARGO CLASS: Qantas has unveiled a major new freedom for unvaccinated Australians. From next Monday they'll be able to board domestic flights, alongside luggage in the cargo hold. "We are being inclusive of all Australians," says Qantas boss Alan Joyce....
