National News
Kyrgios Bitter Ash Barty Has All The Attention Without Abusing Umpires Or Smashing Racquets
Australian tennis bad boy Nick Kyrgios has unleashed on the Wimbledon winner Ash Barty. "She might be a good player and all, but tennis at this level is about so much more than playing ability," says Kyrgios. "It's about providing...
Man Who Loves Working From Home Pretending To Be Sad About Extended Lockdown
A local sales executive is flexing his acting skills today, pretending to be upset about the extended lockdown set to be announced by the NSW Premier. "I'm really missing all of you guys," Ben Hutton told colleagues on this morning's...
QLD Premier Rules NSW Players Must Always Remain At Least 1.5M Apart During Origin Final
One week out from the State of Origin final, NSW's bid for a series clean sweep has been dealt a potentially lethal blow. Ahead of next Wednesday's match at Stadium Australia, the Queensland Premier has announced that NSW players must...
Man Posts Photos Of Himself Cooking In Last Ditch Attempt To Find A Girlfriend
A sexually frustrated Sydney man has posted photos of himself preparing a salad to Instagram. The photo montage includes a shot of himself in action, and another of the pear, apple and roasted walnut salad he claims to have made,...
Anti Face Mask Activist Now Refusing To Wear Ventilator Mask After Getting Serious Case Of Covid
A dramatic stand off has emerged between a doctor in intensive care and an anti-masker who has now contracted a serious case of Covid-19. Even with extreme difficulty breathing, Phil Wright is refusing to wear a ventilator face mask. "The...
Lockdown Impact: Cosmetic Clinic Closures Taking Heavy Toll On Local Woman
A Double Bay woman has been left completely unrecognisable as the shutdown of cosmetic clinics and beauticians enters its second week. Jenny Edgell's youthful and exuberant appearance in a photo taken before Sydney's second lockdown last week, is in stark...
Millennial Gets Blood Clot While Researching If She Should Risk Getting The AstraZeneca Vaccine
A Sydney millennial is being treated in hospital after getting a blood clot while trying to work out if she should risk getting the AstraZeneca vaccine. "My brain hurts," Rose Gordon told DBT from her hospital bed. "Researching it was...
Donald Trump Announces Tilt At Australian Politics After Hearing Barnaby Joyce Got Re-elected
Former US President Donald Trump has announced a plan to revive his political career down under. It comes after hearing that the basket case of Australian politics Barnaby Joyce has been re-elected as Deputy PM. "You know what, maybe there's...
Narcissistic Nutter Confirms Dire State Of Australian Politics After Re-election As Deputy PM
One of Australia's biggest loose cannons has been re-elected Deputy Prime Minister today. Barnaby Joyce's controversy-filled political career revolves around doing as many media interviews as possible. And just when Australian voters thought they'd seen the end of the drunken...
#BREAKING: Biloela Family Request Deportation Back To Sri Lanka After Seeing How Boring Perth Is
The Murugappan family have formally volunteered deportation back to Sri Lanka after arriving in Perth, where their young daughter is being treated for a serious illness. "This place is terrible," says father Nades Murugappan. "It's just so fucking boring here."...
