National News
Local Cocaine Users Overwhelm State Government’s Free Nose & Sinus Clearing Service
BACKED UP: Cocaine users around Sydney are turning out in droves to take advantage of the state government's new complementary nose and sinus clearing service. "It's great to see NSW Health offering this important service," says one regular cocaine user....
Local Real Estate Agent Updates Instagram Bio To ‘Public Figure,’ After Leasing A Mercedes C200
FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT: Local real estate agent Jason Berner has announced the next brave step in his 3 year career. The 28 year old has listed himself as a 'public figure' on Instagram after selling his old...
Spike In Demand For Grocery Home Delivery, As Shoppers Avoid Supermarket Xmas Carols
Australia's major supermarkets are experiencing a huge surge in demand for grocery home deliveries in the lead up to Christmas. "Home deliveries are up 542% over the last three weeks," says Coles' head of customer experience Dean Parkes. "We apologise...
Horror Writer Stephen King Releases New Book: ‘2021’
FEAR YEAR: Best selling author Stephen King has released a spine tingling new book, based on the events of this year. Reviewers say the book, called '2021,' is among King's most horrific and evil work to date. "It's savage," says...
#BREAKING: Embattled WA Premier Launches Perth’s Bold Bid To Host Next Year’s Melbourne Cup
LONG ODDS: After being stripped of the fifth Ashes test, WA's Premier is taking drastic action to prevent his state being completely excluded from the national sporting calendar. Mark McGowan has announced on Twitter this morning Perth's bid to host...
PM Now Advertising For Federal Cabinet Ministers On Seek, Amid Liberal Party Exodus
LABOR SHORTAGE: The federal Liberal Party is on the hunt for fresh faces after losing three senior cabinet ministers in the space of 24 hours. "As we move toward the federal election next year, we need new talent as quickly...
“Let’s Crack Down On FB Trolls,” Says Leader Of Parliament Where 33% Of Staff Are Sexually Harassed
BLAME GAME: One day after revelations that 1 in 3 parliamentary staff are sexually harassed, and 50% bullied, the PM has announced an inquiry into the toxic impacts of social media. "I've heard of some disgusting behaviour happening on Facebook...
Tim Paine Walks Out Of Ch 7 Interview, As Journo Admits She Didn’t Read The Texts He Sent Her
NETWORK WOES: Channel 7 News has become the news once again, after another high profile guest dramatically walked out of an exclusive interview with the network. Former Australian test cricket captain Tim Paine was left visibly frustrated and offended when...
#BREAKING: Tim Paine Hired By Craig Kelly To Help Send Unsolicited Text Messages
SIDE HUSTLE: The former Australian cricket captain Tim Paine has secured employment as communications manager in the office United Australia Party (UAP) MP Craig Kelly. "We think Tim will be a real asset to the UAP in the lead up...
‘Dangerous Emissions’: PM To Achieve Net Zero By Not Shitting Himself At Engadine Maccas
SHIT PLAN: The Prime Minister has begun unveiling some much needed details about Australia's plan to achieve net zero carbon emissions by 2050. "We all need to do everything we can to reduce harmful gas emissions," says Scott Morrison. "And...
