National News
BUNCH OF TOOLS: Bunnings now hosting birthday parties for men aged 45 & over
SCREW LOOSE: DIY retailer Bunnings is to seize a slice of the birthday event market by catering to middle-aged men. "From next month we're holding parties at our several stores around the country," Bunnings CEO John McGuinness told DBT. "We even...
Local shrooms dealer now also selling Woolworths & Costco spinach
EAT YOUR GREENS: A Sydney mushroom dealer has moved into the lucrative new black market for Woolworths and Costco spinach. "The mark up on this stuff is incredible at the moment," Ben Tilbury told DBT. "I know a few other...
PissFit: Fitness First now offering drinking endurance classes in preparation for silly season
NO PAIN, NO GAIN: With two weeks until Christmas, global gym chain Fitness First has begun offering new endurance based training classes. "Our new instructor-led PissFit programme aims to increase our members' alcohol tolerance," says gym CEO Miles Harris. "It's...
‘Check out how hot I’d be if I looked completely different’ says man posting AI selfie
DEEP FAKE: An average looking man has staged a dramatic overhaul thanks to a complex AI image generation tool. Richard Lawson has joined the flood of social media users posting highly flattering anime-inspired photos created by the image editing app...
Craig Foster hoping Ajdin Hrustic scores a goal, so he can flex his ethnic name pronunciation skills
TONGUE TWISTER: SBS football commentators are well-known for their passion and pronunciation. And, despite being of Anglo-Celtic descent, former Socceroo Craig Foster thrives on pronouncing even the most exotic and complex ethnic names. "Among the Socceroos at this World Cup,...
“Yes, we won!” shouts former private school boy who used to bash anyone who played soccer
CHANGE OF HEART: The 1998 captain of the Scots College 1st XV Rugby team is today jumping on the soccer bandwagon after the Socceroos World Cup victory against Denmark. "How good are the Socceroos!?" shouted Miles McKenzie, in the early...
QATAR BEER BAN: Sober England Fan Finally Realises That Watching Soccer Is ‘Very Fucking Boring’
SOBER TRUTH: It's taken a 5-thousand kilometre trip to Qatar for one English soccer fanatic to discover the shocking truth about the game he loves. "It's actually really fucking boring to watch, unless you're very pissed," admits Simon Millard who...
Network TEN To Host Daily 11am Press Conference On Who Is Leaving The Project
MEDIA OBSESSION: As media interest in hosting changes at The Project continues to grow, Network TEN has announced it'll host a daily press conference on the topic. "As of Tuesday at 8pm, we have three new cases of hosts quitting...
People Who Text; ‘I’ll Be There In 5 Mins’ Arrive On Average 1.5 Hours Later: Report
NOT SATIRE: It's among the most commonly used phrases in the English language, but its real meaning remains shrouded in mystery. The term 'I'll be there in 5 mins' has rapidly gained popularity as time pressed mobile users text friends...
Millions Quit Twitter, Leaving The Only Remaining Users As Elon Musk, Donald Trump & Pete Evans
LAST MEN STANDING: Elon Musk's purchase of Twitter was aimed at "restoring free speech" on the social media network. However analysts say Twitter has fast become a cesspool of extremist ideas and right-wing propaganda. "More than 200 million users have...
