National News
‘You left the toilet seat up!’ yells woman who left entire bathroom looking like a war zone
BATHROOM BATTLEFIELD: A local woman is being accused of having double standards after lashing out at her boyfriend for allegedly leaving the toilet seat up. Amid her rage, Kate Garrick strategically ignored the fact that she'd left the bathroom resembling...
‘Rupert dumped me because I couldn’t keep up with him in bed,’ reports Murdoch press
STAYING POWER: It was Rupert Murdoch's insatiable energy and sexual prowess that led to him dumping his latest fiance, according to News Corp media outlets. "Rupert is so good looking and I'm very sexually attracted to him," Ann Lesley Smith,...
#BREAKING: ‘The North Face’ announced as official sponsor of The Australian Labor Party
UNEXPECTED ALLIANCE: The Australian Labor Party has today announced an unprecedented sponsorship deal with outdoor clothing and gear brand The North Face. "We're really excited to have the backing of such a well-known brand," says NSW Premier Chris Minns, who...
BRUTAL DUMPING: MAFS producers reveal Duncan used ChatGPT to write his final vows
FINAL FAREWELL: MAFS fans watched Duncan dump his wife Alyssa during final vows last night, & today it's been revealed his speech was written entirely by artificial intelligence. "Duncan was really confused about what to say to wife Alyssa," a...
Australia’s peak science body demands the Nine Network stop calling MAFS an ‘experiment’
LAB RATS: Australia's peak science body issued an ultimatum to the Nine Network. The CSIRO is demanding Nine stop referring to its toxic reality TV show, Married at First Sight as an 'experiment.' "We believe this is a misleading and...
Local uni student now smoking bongs 24/7 “because AI will take over most jobs, so why bother trying?”
PUNCH ON: A student at Sydney University has decided that doing anything except smoking weed and chilling out with friends is a huge waste of time. Law student Eric Raine is not attending lectures or doing any study as he...
Harrison from MAFS recruited by the Liberal Party after his constant lies and deflection
CAREER PIVOT: MAFS villain Harrison Boon is taking Australian voters by surprise, announcing he's been installed as the Liberal Party candidate for the seat of Wentworth in Sydney's east. The former builder has been raising eyebrows on the current season...
New helpline for people who send emails, then go to ‘sent items’ to read it from the recipient’s perspective
SUFFERING IN SILENCE: A new helpline is promising to support people who send emails then go directly to sent items to read it from the recipient's perspective. Sydney man Mark Rundle admits to doing this for almost every email he...
Federal government launches helpline for people who talk about MAFS in social situations
TRASH TALK: The Prime Minister is today expressing 'grave concern' for people who discuss Married At First Sight while out socialising. "I don't have a problem with people watching the show, but talking about it with friends, colleagues and even...
Man now using ChatGPT to generate responses to anything his wife says to him
LOVE LANGUAGE: Local man Tom Clancy has turned to artificial intelligence to help manage his turbulent relationship with his wife of seven years. "It really takes out the guesswork," he told DBT. "I just plug in whatever she says into...
