National News

All ‘Massage Parlours’ Within 5km Radius Of Parliament House To Re-open

Nationals MP Barnaby Joyce is spearheading a policy initiative to re-open all 'massage parlours' within close proximity to parliament house. "Enough is enough," says the former deputy PM. "The Covid-19 crisis has been a very stressful time for policy makers....
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Supermarkets Voted Best Place To Socialise During Covid-19

A new report by consumer group Choice has found supermarkets are currently the most popular place to socialise. "Our research shows people are arranging to meet friends at supermarkets, or going there in the hope of bumping into people they...
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Pub Closures Lead Federal Government To Urge Australian Families To Play Two-Up At Home

The federal government says the closure of all pubs and clubs around the country should not stop Australians from playing two-up this Anzac day. The gaming minister is urging Australian families to play at home. "This is an important Anzac...
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#BREAKING: Sky News’ Andrew Bolt Appointed Head Of Australia’s Catholic Church

Sky News commentator Andrew Bolt has taken the next brave step in his career. Just hours after his exclusive TV interview with Cardinal George Pell last night, Bolt was appointed head of the Catholic Church in Australia. "We're really excited...
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Woman In Mask & Gloves At Coles, Oblivious To Checkout Operator Touching All Her Groceries

A Sydney woman who went shopping at Coles in a face mask and disposable gloves appeared completely happy for a checkout operator to handle all her groceries. A DBT reporter witnessed the extraordinary contradiction and interviewed the shopper immediately outside...
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Man Who Did 2 Chemistry Subjects At Uni Announces on Facebook: ‘We’re Flattening The Curve’

A man who screen-shotted a graph from smh.com.au and posted it as a Facebook status update has declared that we are ‘flattening the curve.’ “This is good news guys,” wrote David Moore. “We need to start reducing new cases so...
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McDonald’s Announces Chicken McNuggets Are Now 100% Bat Meat Free

Fast food chain McDonald's has announced its latest measure in the fight against coronavirus. "All our chicken McNuggets will now be 100% bat meat free," says McDonald's Australia CEO Damian Piper. Scientists believe bats were a possible source of the...
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Scott Morrison Criticised Again For Forcibly Trying To Shake Everyone’s Hand

The Prime Minister has again come under fire for trying to shake everyone's hand, ignoring the advice of scientists, as COVID-19 spreads. "He pretty much just pounced on me with his hand out," says the NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian. "Then...
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US President Admits To Stockpiling Fake Tan As Coronavirus Fears Escalate

The US President has come clean about his strategy of panic buying fake tan in preparation for the coronavirus outbreak. "If there's something you need, you might as well stock up on it," says Donald Trump. "Whether its food, essential...
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George Calombaris Begins New Job As McDonald’s Restaurant Manager

George Calombaris has begun the next phase of his career in the food and beverage industry. The former MasterChef judge has secured a full-time role as night manager at the McDonald's restaurant at Oakleigh in south-east Melbourne. "I know my...
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