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ISIS Announce Immediate Suspension Of All Terrorist Activities, Due To Coronavirus
The Islamic State (ISIS) has announced the suspension of all terror activities in response to COVID-19. "Social distancing has made it too difficult to keep going, so we've decided to close until further notice," says an ISIS spokesperson. "Most of...
Sydney Runners Choosing Busy, High-Visibility Areas Despite COVID-19: Report
A new report shows Sydney runners are consistently breaching social distancing rules by choosing to jog in busy, high-density areas, instead of in spacious parkland. "They're sweating, panting and moving at speed," says report author Percy Fiddington. "And they're not...
Dramatic Increase In Young People Staying Home As George Pell Released: Report
The Prime Minister has welcomed a new report showing a dramatic spike in the number of young Australians adhering to social distancing rules. Research by the Victorian Dept. of Health shows a 589% increase in the number of adolescents staying...
George Pell Fined $1k For Breaching Social Distancing Rules After Loitering Unnecessarily
Hours after his release from a Geelong prison today, Cardinal George Pell has been fined $1000 for loitering unnecessarily in a local park. "Mr Pell was seen by police loitering near a children's playground," says Victoria's police Commissioner Dan Branch....
MAFS ‘Stars’ Demand Second Season After COVID-19 Stole Their 15 Minutes Of Fame
It's the much-hyped relationship roller coaster ride of love and betrayal, but the stars of the latest season of MAFS want to do it all over again. They're demanding the show be re-shot, "because coronavirus stole our limelight." "COVID-19 totally...
Spike In Dating App Use As Singles Rush To Find One Partner To Ride Out COVID-19 With
Popular dating Apps Tinder and Bumble are reporting a spike in users as the coronavirus lockdown continues. "Users are desperately trying to find someone to bunker down with during COVID-19," says Tinder marketing manager Samir Soulos. Rival app Bumble is...
Rose Bay Man Finally Feels Impact Of COVID-19 Crisis After Forced Closure Of All Golf Courses
An unemployed Rose Bay trust fund recipient says hasn't felt any impact of the Coronavirus crisis, until now. "This afternoon the government announced the forced closure of all golf courses," says Toby Creswell. "This is really getting messed up." The...
Local Woman Almost Unrecognisable As Beautician Shutdown Enters Second Week
The impact of the coronavirus pandemic is plain to see on the face of Sydney's Janet Wreath. It's understood the 36 year old remains in perfectly good health, but the federal government's forced closure of all beauty salons is taking...
“COVID-19 Is A Virus Created By Nanny State Authoritarians,” Says Frustrated Bondi Party Goer
Bondi conspiracy theorist Zane Goulding says the coronavirus pandemic is nothing but government propaganda. "They want us to be scared," he claims. "They're trying to gain control of our minds and they're effectively placing us in home detention without trial."...
Former NSW Premier Launches New Political Party: ‘Keep Sydney Closed’
Less than a month after leaving his job in banking, the former New South Wales premier has announced a move back into politics, and the launch of a new political party. "Keep Sydney Closed aims to contain the spread of...
