Local News

Coward Punchers Celebrate The Removal Of Sydney’s Lockout Laws

A group of unfairly persecuted hyper-aggressive men are celebrating tonight, after the state government announced the removal of Sydney's lockout laws. "It's been a long time coming," says violent offender Jayden Amari. "We've been lobbying hard for our right to...
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South Africans Dominating Double Bay Street Festival After Springbok Victory

The Double Bay Street Festival is being heavily dominated by South African born locals, after the Springbok's resounding World Cup Victory last night. "There's many people from St Ives here today," says Springbok fan Lyle Wasner. "It's a great day...
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Bride-To-Be Cancels Wedding After Facebook Hides Likes

Facebook's move to privatise Like counts has had a devastating impact on at least one Sydney relationship. The couple had plans to marry in February next year, but today the bride-to-be canceled the wedding. "All my friend's wedding photos got...
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PM Took Advice From Trump On Building A Wall Around The Shire

The Prime Minister has announced plans to build a US-Mexico style wall around the Sutherland Shire in Sydney's south. "We don't want another repeat of the Cronulla riots," he says. "Ethnic people coming into the Shire are posing a huge threat...
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PM Announces Royal Commission Into How Roxy Jacenko Got Her Own TV Show

The Prime Minister says he's embarrassed about the Australian media's "unwarranted obsession" with PR Queen Roxy Jacenko. "I don't like it, I don't understand it," says Scott Morrison. "We don't want to be like the United States and give people...
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Chopsticks To Replace Cutlery At NSW Labor Canteen

The NSW branch of the Labor Party has announced that chopsticks will replace cutlery in the canteen of its Sussex Street headquarters. "This is a step in the right direction," says NSW ALP Leader Jodi McKay. "Staff will still be...
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Greens Condemn NSW Labor For Accepting $100k Cash Donation In Plastic Bag

The Greens are lashing out at NSW Labor MP's for accepting $100,000 from a Chinese donor in an Aldi plastic bag. "This underscores Labor's weak environmental credentials," says Greens leader Richard Di Natale. "Labor should only be using paper bags...
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#BREAKING: Israel Folau Launches New Political Party; ‘Keep Sydney Closed’

Sacked Wallabies star Israel Folau has announced the next phase of his career. "I'm officially finished with rugby," he told Double Bay Today. "I'm now fully dedicated to fight for what I believe in." The staunch Christian is already in...
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Light Rail Contractor Bitterly Upset Over Lengthy Delays To His Uber Eats Delivery

A contractor working on Sydney's light rail project has lashed out at Uber Eats today over lengthy delays in delivering his lunch. Ravi Rocco says he ordered food for four people at the work site at 12.20pm. "On the app...
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Tom Waterhouse Honoured In Annual Queen’s Birthday Awards

Racing identity Tom Waterhouse is among nearly a thousand Australians to be honoured in Queen's Birthday ceremonies around the country. Waterhouse will receive the Companion of the Order of Australia 'for eminent service to gambling and sharing his knowledge via...
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