Local News

Newtown IGA has announced tough new restrictions aimed at preventing grocery hoarding. From tomorrow, customers will be limited to purchasing only one tin of chickpeas each. "We're implementing these new restrictions to help ease ongoing chickpea shortages," says supermarket owner Peter...
The monotony of coronavirus isolation was relieved briefly for one Sydney boomer who received a call from a telemarketer this evening. "I'd actually never heard of the energy company he was representing," says Anita Marks. "But to be honest, I...
Channel Nine has announced a major shake-up of its flagship daily current affairs program A Current Affair. From next week, ACA will be known as AKA, or 'A Karen Affair.' "Our show is popular among white, entitled, middle aged women who...
Sydney's infamous light rail project has failed to clear its final hurdle; coronavirus. The Premier today announced its immediate and permanent closure. "It's a sad day for Transport NSW," says Gladys Berejiklian. "We're proud of the network we built. It was...
A quick thinking Sydney man has saved himself $11,000 dollars and possible jail time this morning. Jake Sample was lying on the grass at Rushcutters Bay just after 10am, when he saw police approaching. "I quickly started doing sit ups," he...
NSW Police has announced that one quarter of the state's officers will be made redundant in response to coronavirus. The police chief blames the federal government's new social distancing rules. "These rules have completely disabled our strip search operations," says Mick...
With Easter approaching, the Premier has announced a range of new measures aimed at stopping the spread of COVID-19. "We're trying our hardest to make Easter a safe and healthy time for everyone," says Gladys Berejiklian. "But we need to...
A Sydney couple have found a loophole in the Prime Minister's extension of social restrictions, aimed at stopping the spread of COVID-19. Last night Scott Morrison announced a maximum of 5 guests at all weddings, but he's allowing gatherings of...
The federal government has announced that cosmetic clinics offering botox injections will remain open for business in Sydney's eastern suburbs. "These clinics are offering essential services," says Prime Minister Scott Morrison. "They also generate huge revenues making up an important...
A Sydney finance worker has announced the next brave step in his career. "I'm considering becoming an infectious disease expert," says Daniel Denny. "In finance, we use technical analysis to forecast outcomes based on historical data. For Covid-19, it's no different." It...

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