Local News

#BREAKING: Permanent Closure Of Sydney’s Light Rail Network “Due To COVID-19”

Sydney's infamous light rail project has failed to clear its final hurdle; coronavirus. The Premier today announced its immediate and permanent closure. "It's a sad day for Transport NSW," says Gladys Berejiklian. "We're proud of the network we built. It...
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NSW Police Announce Mass Layoffs As Social Distancing Rules Prevent Strip Searching

NSW Police has announced that one quarter of the state's officers will be made redundant in response to coronavirus. The police chief blames the federal government's new social distancing rules. "These rules have completely disabled our strip search operations," says...
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Sydney Couple Hold Wedding In Park, Wearing Gym Clothes So They Can Have 10 Guests

A Sydney couple have found a loophole in the Prime Minister's extension of social restrictions, aimed at stopping the spread of COVID-19. Last night Scott Morrison announced a maximum of 5 guests at all weddings, but he's allowing gatherings of...
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Man Who Posted Covid-19 Graph To Facebook, Now Considering Career As Infectious Disease Expert

A Sydney finance worker has announced the next brave step in his career. "I'm considering becoming an infectious disease expert," says Daniel Denny. "In finance, we use technical analysis to forecast outcomes based on historical data. For Covid-19, it's no...
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Boyfriends And Husbands Across Sydney Celebrate The Cancellation Of Vivid

The cancellation of Sydney's annual festival of music and lights has been welcomed by men across Sydney. "Every year I have to do the whole 'Vivid date night' thing with my wife, and it's punishing," says one man. But this...
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UFC Announces Fight Night To Be Held At Woolworths In Western Sydney

The car park at Woolworths Chullora will set the stage for a night of UFC fighting. "We've decided to bring the championship to Sydney's west after noticing the area's growing interest in fighting," says UFC Ray Talerton. It follows a...
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Coconut Water Supplies Run Dry At Bondi Supermarkets As Coronavirus Panic Buying Begins

If you're thinking about buying coconut water in Bondi, think again. Supermarkets and convenience stores in the popular suburb are completely out of coconut water, as locals worried about Coronavirus begin stockpiling food and other essentials. "Coconut water is the...
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Facebook Glitch Sees $52M Raised By Celeste Barber Going To Victims Of Fyre Festival

Social media giant Facebook has apologised for a tech glitch preventing bushfire victims from receiving much-needed charity funds. The $52 million dollars raised by comedian Celeste Barber in a Facebook fundraiser was instead allocated to victims of the fraudulent luxury...
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Severe Parking Shortage At Bondi Beach Forces Angry Driver To Take Drastic Action

A Sydney driver has taken bold and drastic action today amid a severe and ongoing shortage of parking options at Bondi Beach. Peter McKenny told DBT that he'd been driving around Campbell Parade and surrounding streets for two hours looking...
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Unprofitable Sydney Start-Up Vows To Donate 10% Of Profits To Bushfire Victims

A Sydney start-up has promised to donate 10% of its profit to bushfire victims, even though it doesn't make any profit. Cynthia Boland launched her business 10 months ago and has so far spent $60,000 on office space, research &...
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