Breaking News
Global Share Markets Plunge Amid Fears Of Toilet Paper Shortage
Escalating fears of a toilet paper shortage have sent global sharemarkets into free fall. $140 billion was wiped off the ASX 200 today. "It was the worst day of trading since the GFC," says CommSec's Jason Taverner. "Panic buying of...
#BREAKING: Baboon Trio Escape Again, This Time In Search Of Toilet Paper & Tinned Food
The three baboons that captured our hearts last week are on the run once again. The trio have been spotted inside several Sydney supermarkets today. "I saw them looking disappointed there was no toilet paper left at Coles in Epping,"...
#BREAKING: Gwyneth Paltrow Announces Cure For Coronavirus
American actress and businesswoman Gwyneth Paltrow has announced a breakthrough cure for the deadly Coronavirus. "It's an all natural tonic combining ginger, lemon, turmeric and a few other ingredients I'm not yet willing to divulge," she says. The high profile...
“Sorry, It Was Unintentional,” Says Coles Shopper Who Admits To Underpaying For His Groceries
A self-checkout shopper has apologised to Coles after admitting to underpaying for his groceries. "It wasn't theft," claims homeless man John Thomas. "It was just an honest mistake." It's understood Mr Thomas unintentionally scanned avocados as carrots at the self-checkout,...
Premier Announces Abandoned Opal Tower To Be Used As Coronavirus Quarantine Centre
The NSW state government has announced that the beleaguered Opal Tower at Sydney Olympic Park will be used as a Coronavirus quarantine centre. "Work has begun to transform the building into a state of the art quarantine facility," says Gladys...
#BREAKING: Prince Harry Announced As New Spokesperson For The Australian Republican Movement
Less than four days after announcing his split from the Royal family, The Australian Republican Movement has announced Prince Harry as its new spokesperson. The 35 year old made a surprise visit down under as part of his new 2...
#BREAKING: Sydney NYE Celebrations To Include Fire Dancers As Tribute To Bushfire Victims
The NSW Premier has announced that fire dancers will help Sydneysiders ring in the new year. "Fire dancers will be an exciting addition to this year's fireworks display," says Gladys Berejiklian. "We think it's an ideal way to pay tribute...
#BREAKING: PM To Go For A “Quick Scuba Dive” Before Cutting His Hawaii Trip Short
The Prime Minister has announced his return to Australia “as soon as can be arranged,” following the tragic deaths of two volunteer fire fighters overnight. But in a statement released a short time ago, Scott Morrison says he and his...
#BREAKING: NSW Government Announces Strict 10.30pm Curfew For New Year’s Eve
The New Years Eve plans of millions of Sydney residents have been thrown into disarray this afternoon. The state government has just announced a landmark New Year's Eve curfew covering the Sydney metropolitan area. "Anyone found roaming the streets after...
Supermarket Known For Screwing Over Farmers and Manufacturers, Now Also Rorting Staff
A supermarket chain which has put thousands of farmers and manufacturers out of business has announced that its trail of destruction has widened to include its own staff. "We don't want to discriminate," says Woolworths CEO Mike Blythe. "We wanted...
