Posts Tagged ‘Staying On’
Fitness First Adds Toilet Bowls To Treadmills For Poo Joggers Who Prefer Training Indoors
Gym chain Fitness First has announced its trialing toilet bowls next to treadmills in a bid to appeal to growing numbers of poo joggers. “Not all poo joggers want to train outside,” says Fitness First CEO Tim Casey. “So we’re allowing them to feel the exhilaration of taking a shit inside, in front of other gym-goers.” The toilet bowls have been installed next to selected treadmills at Kings Cross Fitness First. “Runners can easily take a quick dump without even stopping the treadmill,” says Tim Casey. “If successful we plan to roll out the toilet bowls at other gyms around…
Read MoreThick Smoke Plume Hangs Over Canberra As Stoners Try To Forget About NRL Grand Final Loss
The Canberra Raiders’ loss to the Sydney Roosters in last night’s NRL grand final has helped trigger a thick blanket of smoke hanging above the ACT. “We’re seeing very smokey conditions around Canberra today, and potential remains for another smokey day tomorrow,” says Peter Summers from the Bureau of Meteorology. Experts say there’s been an influx of marijuana smoking around the city, as Canberrans try to come to terms with losing the grand final. “Well, it’s now legal here, so why the fuck not?” says one local stoner. “There’s nothing else to do here anyway.” Those with breathing difficulties, or…
Read MoreBride-To-Be Cancels Wedding After Facebook Hides Likes
Facebook’s move to privatise Like counts has had a devastating impact on at least one Sydney relationship. The couple had plans to marry in February next year, but today the bride-to-be canceled the wedding. “All my friend’s wedding photos got hundreds of likes,” says Sally Doyle. “But now nobody except me will even know how many likes we got. There’s literally no point.” It’s understood the Bondi woman began getting cold feet when Instagram began hiding Likes in July. “We are going to stay engaged for the moment,” says Ms Doyle. “There’s still a chance Facebook might reverse it’s Like…
Read MorePM Took Advice From Trump On Building A Wall Around The Shire
The Prime Minister has announced plans to build a US-Mexico style wall around the Sutherland Shire in Sydney’s south. “We don’t want another repeat of the Cronulla riots,” he says. “Ethnic people coming into the Shire are posing a huge threat to our community and our lifestyle.” Mr Morrison is Australia’s first Prime Minister to call the Shire home. He says more work needs to be done to ‘protect’ the area. “We’re facing an influx of migrants coming into the area, especially from suburbs like Hurstville and Kogarah, ” he says. It’s understood the Prime Minister sought advice from his close…
Read More#BREAKING: Greta Thunberg Accused Of Putting Plastic Bottle In Paper Recycling Bin
Climate activist Greta Thunberg has been photographed allegedly disposing of a plastic bottle in a paper recycling bin, in her home town of Stockholm, Sweden. The above photo was shared with DBT by an Australian man who claims to have taken it while on holidays. “She didn’t seem to check which bin she was throwing it in,” says Chris Spenser. “She was very nonchalant about it to be honest.” But the 16 year old – who last week gave a rousing climate speech at the UN – denies the allegations. “The photo was obviously taken while I was working out…
Read MoreSwedish Activist Expresses Disgust At Scott Morrison For Shitting Himself At Maccas
A furious Greta Thunberg has lashed out at the Australian PM, amid reports he shat himself at Engadine McDonalds in 1997. “How dare you?” yelled the Swedish activist. “How does someone shit inside McDonalds, and then go on to become Australia’s PM? Scott Morrison wasn’t in the room to hear the 16 year old’s speech at the UN Climate Summit. But she didn’t hold back. “What sort of a messed up country is Australia? Where else has this man shat himself? Does he even care about the environment?” Scott Morrison is yet to respond to Greta Thunberg’s speech. But recently…
Read MorePM Announces Royal Commission Into How Roxy Jacenko Got Her Own TV Show
The Prime Minister says he’s embarrassed about the Australian media’s “unwarranted obsession” with PR Queen Roxy Jacenko. “I don’t like it, I don’t understand it,” says Scott Morrison. “We don’t want to be like the United States and give people attention for absolutely no reason.” After her own reality TV show ‘I am Roxy,’ aired last night, the PM has ordered a Royal Commission into why she remains in the media spotlight. “Yes, Roxy had health issues and her husband has had legal issues, but why the ongoing media attention? I know she works in PR, but she should focus…
Read More#Breaking: Justin Hemmes Persuades Premier To Wind Back Lock Out Laws
The corruption scandal engulfing NSW Labor appears to be infiltrating the Berejiklian government. DBT has secured this image of Sydney nightclub mogul Justin Hemmes allegedly handing over an Aldi bag full of cash. “This was the only way he was going to get the lock out laws wound back,” says Labor spokesman Gene Wiles. “The Liberals are easily as corrupt as we are.” The Premier announced yesterday that Sydney’s lockout laws will be wound back for bars, pubs and clubs in the central business district within months. That’s excellent news for Justin Hemmes who owns 46 CBD venues. “Cash is…
Read MoreChopsticks To Replace Cutlery At NSW Labor Canteen
The NSW branch of the Labor Party has announced that chopsticks will replace cutlery in the canteen of its Sussex Street headquarters. “This is a step in the right direction,” says NSW ALP Leader Jodi McKay. “Staff will still be able to request cutlery at meal times, however it will be frowned upon.” Labor power brokers deny the move to chopsticks is linked to claims that the ALP is being influenced by wealthy and important Chinese figures. “No, this initiative is aimed at staff weight loss and also a bit of fun! I’m looking forward to watching colleagues use chopsticks to…
Read MoreCalls For Royal Commission Into Why Anyone Would Take Advice From Sam Dastyari
The Prime Minister has added his voice to growing calls for a Royal Commission into why anyone would take advice from Sam Dastyari. “He arrived at a corruption inquiry illegally riding a bike on the footpath,” says Scott Morrison. “Then he put his helmet on as he entered the building. How does that work?” The former Labor senator was arriving to give evidence at an ICAC inquiry yesterday into an allegedly illegal donation to NSW Labor in 2015. He was asked for advice by then NSW Labor Party boss Kaila Murnain after she learnt about the donation. “Surely a poor…
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