Posts Tagged ‘Staying On’
‘Theirs No Problem With Our Educashion Standards’ Claim Australian School Students
Australian students are defending their poor results in global tests, after failing for the first time to exceed the OECD average in maths. “Yeah I know MAFS,” says one student. “It’s one of my favorite reality TV shows. Love Island is pretty good too actually.” New results from the Programme for International Student Assessment (PISA) tests show Australian students are also performing at record low standards in reading and science. In a written statement to DBT, one student wrote: “Theirs no problem with our educashion. I learn everything I need to know by watching hours of YouTube every day.” The…
Read MoreCoward Punchers Celebrate The Removal Of Sydney’s Lockout Laws
A group of unfairly persecuted hyper-aggressive men are celebrating tonight, after the state government announced the removal of Sydney’s lockout laws. “It’s been a long time coming,” says violent offender Jayden Amari. “We’ve been lobbying hard for our right to king-hit random people and finally the government has listened.” The lockout laws were introduced in 2014 amid state government concerns about violence on Sydney’s streets. “It’s been a difficult time,” Amari told DBT. “I haven’t been able to ruin an innocent stranger’s life in five years, I’m not sure I even remember how to do it.” But on January 14…
Read MorePell Requests To Be Held In Juvenile Detention Ahead Of His Final Appeal
Disgraced Cardinal George Pell has made a formal request to the High Court to be transferred to juvenile detention. “This is a safety issue,” claims Pell’s legal team. “Our client says he would feel more comfortable around young offenders.” It comes as Pell is granted a final chance to clear his name, with his appeal against child sex abuse convictions to be heard before a full bench of the High Court. The 78 year old is currently being held at the Melbourne Assessment Prison, serving a six year jail term. “In the lead up to his next hearing, our client…
Read MorePM Leads Special Prayers For The Bushfires To Steer Clear Of Australia’s Coal Mines
As bushfires ravage parts of NSW and QLD, the Prime Minister conducted a special prayer service on behalf of the coal mining industry. Scott Morrison led an early morning service at the Horizon Pentecostal Christian Church in the Sutherland Shire. “God, please keep the devastating flames away from our coal mines,” Morrison led the congregation. “The coal industry and the broader economy need your intervention.” Fire authorities say there is bushfire activity more than 140 kilometres east of the major coal mines at the Sydney-Gunnedah Basin. “But winds can change at any time and the effects could be devastating,” the…
Read More#BREAKING: Paul ‘Fatty’ Vautin Announced As New Host Of The Today Show
The television industry is in shock today after Channel Nine announced that Paul ‘Fatty’ Vautin will be the Today show’s new host alongside Allison Langdon. “We are very excited to have Fatty back on air at Channel Nine,” says Nine boss Lyle Pickett. “He’s a great fit for Today.” The new hosts will replace Georgie Gardner, Deb Knight, Tom Steinfort as Nine attempts to revive the breakfast show’s flagging ratings. “Fatty and Allison have great on air chemistry,” says Lyle Pickett. “In 2020 the Today show will feature more light-hearted banter and more pranks.” Vautin was unceremoniously dumped as host…
Read MoreSouth Africans Dominating Double Bay Street Festival After Springbok Victory
The Double Bay Street Festival is being heavily dominated by South African born locals, after the Springbok’s resounding World Cup Victory last night. “There’s many people from St Ives here today,” says Springbok fan Lyle Wasner. “It’s a great day for all South African Sydney-siders to come together and celebrate. Of the 80,000 people attending today’s festival, it’s estimated a whopping 42% are born in South Africa. Our reporters at the event say shouts of ‘howzit China’ could be heard everywhere. “South Africa is easily the best country in the world,” says Lyle Wasner. “It’s such a shame we all…
Read MoreWoolworths’ 350 Person HR Department Not Big Enough To Ensure Correct Staff Payments
Woolworths has announced a planned increase to its human resources department following revelations that almost 6000 of the company’s staff have been underpaid. “Obviously our 350-person HR department here at Woolworths HQ has dropped the ball,” says Woolies CEO Mike Blythe. “We need to boost the department to 450 people so that we have enough manpower to ensure all Woolworths staff are paid in line with current award rates.” The supermarket giant today announced many of its staff have been underpaid by as much as $300 million, over the last decade. Retail analysts have been left wondering how 350 HR…
Read MoreSupermarket Known For Screwing Over Farmers and Manufacturers, Now Also Rorting Staff
A supermarket chain which has put thousands of farmers and manufacturers out of business has announced that its trail of destruction has widened to include its own staff. “We don’t want to discriminate,” says Woolworths CEO Mike Blythe. “We wanted to show Australia’s primary producers and manufacturers they they are not alone.” The retailer has today revealed that it’s underpaid nearly 6000 of its employees, as much as $300 million. “If our staff don’t want to work for Woolworths anymore, that’s fine.” says Mike Blythe. “We’re not forcing them to stay.” Environmentalists are outraged after the supermarket giant said it’ll…
Read MoreNation Which Invented Rugby Now Appears To Finally Know How To Play The Game
The nation which invented Rugby in 1823 has finally shown that it may actually know how to play the game at this year’s World Cup in Japan. On Saturday, the English Rugby team is making an unlikely appearance in the final against South Africa. “England has only won the World Cup once, and that was 17 years ago,” says Rugby commentator Gordon bray. “But their population is double Australia’s and New Zealand’s put together, and considering England invented the game 200 years ago, you’d think they’d be a bit better at it by now.” Either way, ahead of Saturday’s final,…
Read MoreWallabies Coach Unable To Hear Calls For His Resignation Due To Severe Cauliflower Ears
Doctors say Michael Cheika’s cauliflower ears are preventing him from hearing the growing calls for him to step down as Wallabies Coach. The former lock developed a severe case of cauliflower ears during the 90’s while playing for Randwick and NSW. “We’ve tried telling Michael about the resignation calls several times. We’ve even tried shouting it,” says team doctor Ken Bracey. “But his ears are so swollen & deformed that it’s just not getting through.” Australia’s 40-16 quarter-final loss to England last night has again increased the calls for Cheika to step down. “Australian rugby fans, officials and former players…
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