Barnaby Joyce’s dog Stella left completely unfazed by today’s national emergency alert test
BATTLE HARDENED: While millions of Australians were startled by today’s piercing AusAlert test, Barnaby Joyce’s dog Stella reportedly slept through the entire thing. It’s understood the working dog barely lifted her head as phones across Joyce’s Tamworth property began blaring at full volume, overriding silent and Do Not Disturb settings. “She’s heard louder noises than that around here,” Mr Joyce told DBT. “Usually before breakfast.” Stella reportedly returned to sleep after confirming the alert was coming from a mobile phone and not her owner appearing live on the ABC. Emergency authorities say they’re now considering using Barnaby’s voice for the…
Read MoreSYDNEY COLD SNAP: Darlinghurst man forced to actually wear cotton-knit sweater instead of just draping it over his shoulders
FASHION EMERGENCY: As the mercury dipped below 14 degrees in Sydney today, a Darlinghurst man was forced into unprecedented action while shopping with friends in Paddington. Mark Lyle-Tanner, who is known for wearing sweaters draped over his shoulders, was spotted wearing the garment like a regular jumper. “It’s a huge departure from my usual look,” he told DBT. “I barely recognise myself, but I have no choice.” At the time of publication, he was seen entering Country Road to buy another cotton-knit sweater to drape over the yellow one he was wearing conventionally.
Read More“Yep, I’m ready and willing to assist in case of emergency,” claims man in exit row after having two gummies and a sleeping tablet
FLIGHT RISK: A Sydney man sitting in the exit row on a flight bound for LA has proudly declared himself “totally ready and super willing” to assist in any emergency. However, what the flight attendants don’t know is that Mark Cartwright is already under the influence of two gummies and a strong sleeping pill. “It should be totally sweet,” said the 37 year old, with his speech already slightly slurred. “I’m all over it.” Several passengers seated near Mr Cartwright have already expressed concern about his ability to respond. “First he spent 20 minutes just trying to adjust his neck pillow,”…
Read MoreCOST OF LIVING CRISIS: Jeff Bezos forced to eat at McDonald’s after seeing the prices at Icebergs Bondi
PENNY PINCHING: The world’s fourth-richest man Jeff Bezos has been forced to tighten his belt during his visit to Sydney after seeing the prices at Icebergs in Bondi. The Amazon founder was seen opening the Icebergs menu, before quickly leaving and heading for a feed at McDonald’s on Campbell Parade. “Even the McDonald’s here in Australia is a rip-off,” he told DBT. “A small chocolate thick shake is nearly $8.00. I had to just get a Coke instead.” The cost-of-living crisis has also reportedly forced Bezos to cancel his accommodation at the Park Hyatt and move into a six-bed dorm…
Read More2cm of snow at Perisher forces Sydney family to brave six hours of traffic and two hours of lift queues just to show off their $1,800 Moncler ski jackets
ALPINE EMERGENCY: A Sydney family has rushed to Perisher after reports that 2cm of snow had fallen overnight. The Bellevue Hill family left home at 4am, spending six hours in traffic before joining a two-hour lift queue. “We didn’t spend $7,200 on matching Moncler jackets to wear them around Westfield,” said father James Harrington-Giggs. The family reportedly spent several minutes adjusting their outfits before taking 146 photos while posing at the bottom of front valley. “There’s an outside chance we might even do some skiiing at some stage. At time of publication, the family was still searching for somewhere to…
Read MoreAustralian media still severely overestimating how much people care about who hosts the Today show
OLD MEDIA: Australia’s major news outlets have entered their third straight week of assuming the public is emotionally invested in who hosts the Today show. Editors around the country have agreed wars, economic turmoil and international diplomacy are “unlikely to generate as many clicks”. “We looked at inflation and the housing situation, and honestly, none of it compares to the urgency of this,” said one editor. Journalists hired to cover politics, courts and health have been reassigned to monitor rumour threads and interpret the body language of former Sunrise employees at cafes. A leaked Daily Telegraph internal memo reportedly instructed…
Read MorePOWER PLAY: U.S president unveils plan to build a Trump Tower in the Strait of Hormuz
STRAIGHT TALK: The U.S President has announced his latest plan to assert dominance in the Strait of Hormuz. After declaring that the U.S will be “taking over” the key shipping lane, Donald Trump has just released plans for an 80-storey tower in the middle of it. “Every room will have ocean views,” the president told reporters. “It’s about time somebody developed this strait properly.” According to glossy promotional brochures, the development would include luxury apartments, a casino, three golf simulators and a rooftop helipad for “very important peace negotiations.” Maritime law experts are raising questions about jurisdiction, structural feasibility, and…
Read MoreTelstra unveils outage compensation: 3MB of data, all you have to do is complete a 47-page claim form
TOKEN GESTURE: Telstra has announced a generous compensation package for customers affected by last week’s nationwide outage. Eligible customers will receive 3MB of data after completing a 47-page online claim form, providing four forms of ID, proof of outage-related hardship and three character references. Telstra clarified that the 3MB, once approved, would be delivered within 90 business days. “This is a genuine gesture of goodwill,” a spokesperson told DBT in a phone interview. “We take reliability and connectivity extremely seriously,” they added, before the call dropped. At time of publication, the online claim portal crashed due to high demand.
Read More#BREAKING: Trump calls FIFA President to demand USA v Belgium be played as a best of three series
ANOTHER CHANCE: The U.S football team’s run at the World Cup may not be over yet, despite their loss to Belgium a short time ago. After the U.S President’s intervention to get a red card ban overturned for today’s game, he’s now again called the FIFA President to demand a rule change. “We need to make this a best of three series,” said Trump. “I’ve never even heard of Belgium before. Is that even really a country?” The FIFA President tried to explain the tournament operates on single-elimination brackets, a format used in essentially every World Cup since 1930. The President…
Read MoreNetwork TEN’s new reality show: ‘Bondi Junction Rescue,’ where lifeguards save people who lost their car in the Westfield car park
GOD’S WORK: Network TEN has just announced a brand new spin-off of its popular TV show, Bondi Rescue, and it’s set to make waves on dry land. “In ‘Bondi Junction Rescue’ our brave lifeguards swap paddle boards for parking lot patrols,” says Network TEN. “They’ll be diving headfirst into the treacherous multi-level maze that is the Bondi Junction Westfield car park.” The show captures the high-octane drama of stranded shoppers desperately trying to recall where they parked their car. “I’ve been walking around here for hours,” says one disoriented shopper, in a show promo. “But thankfully the boys from Bondi…
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