#BREAKING: Scientists find traces of nutrition in McDonald’s fries after a mop was dried under fries warmer

MOPPING UP: In a groundbreaking discovery that’s left the fast food industry in shock, a team of scientists has found traces of actual nutrition in McDonald’s fries. The unexpected find comes after a restaurant worker was filmed drying a dirty mop under the fries warmer at a McDonald’s outlet near Brisbane. “After extensive research in the lab, we have detected small amounts of vitamin C, potassium, and even traces of iron,” says Dr Sarah Smethurst, lead scientist at UNSW. “We then analysed fries not exposed to the mop to find no trace of any vitamins or minerals.” Health experts are…

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Growing calls for Vivid Sydney to light up the Opera House sails with the portrait of Gina Rinehart

GINA’S GLOW UP: With the annual Vivid Sydney Festival beginning on Friday, there are growing calls for the Opera House sails to be illuminated with the portrait of Gina Rinehart. “We should be recognising the artist who painted it,” says one local art lover. “Even just for one night.” Economists are supporting the idea. “Gina is Australia’s richest person, and it’s also appropriate to acknowledge her contributions to Australia’s mining wealth.” It comes after Rinehart’s controversial request for the portrait to be removed from the National Gallery in Canberra. Critics, however, are quick to point out the absurdity of the…

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Local woman uses #DateNight caption on photo with husband to make marriage seem fun

KEEPING UP APPEARANCES: A Sydney woman has attempted to impress her Instagram followers with a photo of herself and her husband Max out for dinner last night. “#DateNight!” Jane Stone captioned the photo of the pair at a local restaurant. “Max and I have already been married for seven years,” she told DBT. “But we still have so much excitement in our relationship!” However witnesses at the restaurant tell a very different story. One man who was sitting at a table nearby says the couple didn’t smile once all night, except for the photo. “Actually I didn’t see them speak…

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New report shows 81% of people at Fashion Week are only there to take photos and videos of themselves

FASHION FAUX PAS: An eye-opening new report has exposed the true motivations of Fashion Week attendees. A team of independent researchers have found 81% of people at the event are only there to take photos of themselves – a revelation that has cast a shadow of narcissism over the glitzy affair. “It’s a sad reflection of our society’s obsession with self-promotion and validation,” said Dr. Emma Toms, lead researcher on the study. At any time during Fashion Week, self-described fashionistas and influencers can be seen outside Carriageworks jostling for the perfect angle and lighting to capture their carefully curated outfits. “I…

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Eastern suburbs coke enthusiast says $300 federal budget rebate doesn’t quite go far enough

BUDGET BLUES: In a startling display of financial frivolity, a Potts Point man is voicing his dissatisfaction with the federal government’s $300 budget rebate, saying it simply doesn’t stretch far enough to support his lifestyle. “It’s a real slap in the face,” Mark Fenkle-Roberts told DBT. “These days in the eastern suburbs you can’t even get one bag for $300.” The government’s one-off rebate is aimed at easing Australia’s cost of living crisis. But some critics of the budget say the rebate should have only been made available to low income earners. “No way,” says Mark Fenkle-Roberts, with his jaw…

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Local mother of three celebrates Mother’s Day alone in a dark hotel room with a valium

SOLO RETREAT: A busy Sydney mum is taking a unique approach to celebrating Mother’s Day this year – giving herself a much needed day off from her family. Cynthia Waters has checked into Double Bay’s InterContinental hotel for a day of rest and recreation – alone. “OMG, seriously this is absolute heaven,” the mother of three told DBT. “I’ve turned my phone off, popped a valium, and I’m just confused about why I don’t do this more often!” Ms Waters, who is usually trapped is chaos, juggling her children’s busy schedules, says Mother’s Day this year is purely about her.…

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Network TEN axes The Masked Singer Australia because nobody knew who the celebrities were, even after the big reveal

IDENTITY CRISIS: Network TEN has today confirmed the abrupt cancellation of “The Masked Singer Australia” amid widespread confusion over the identities of its purported celebrity contestants – even after the grand reveal. The reality singing competition that saw celebrities don elaborate costumes and conceal their identities as they belted out tunes to a panel of judges. But fell short of expectations as viewers were left underwhelmed by the supposed star power hidden beneath the masks. “It was like playing a game of Guess Who? but with all the cards flipped over,” one viewer told DBT. “I watched many of the…

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Yo-Chi Surry Hills opens express lane for customers who take less than one minute to choose their yoghurt and toppings

FAST PASS: A popular local frozen yogurt store has introduced an initiative to reduce congestion in its store. Yo-Chi Surry Hills has a new express lane, rewarding customers who take less than one minute to select their yoghurt and toppings. “Those completing their transaction in less than 60 seconds are rewarded with a VIP pass to the express lane for next time,” says Yo-Chi management. The new system comes in response to customers spending excessive time trying to get the perfect selection and proportions of yoghurt and toppings. “It’s like artwork getting the right combination of sprinkles versus crushed Oreos,”…

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Single man on bender tries his luck one last time by going from the nightclub directly to run club

CLUBBIN’: In a valiant quest for love, local man Joel McSmith has conquered the ultimate test of endurance this morning. He transitioned seamlessly from the thumping beats of Club 77, to the rhythmic pavement pounding at his local run club. “I didn’t meet anyone nice at Club 77,” he admitted to DBT. “And I still had so much energy at 5.30am, so I thought I’d roll the dice again at run club.” The ambitious 31 year old went home briefly to shower, change and powder his nose to be ready for run club at 6am. “I felt fresh as a…

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Seven Network announce new reality TV show: ‘A Renter Wants A Home’

HARSH REALITY: The Seven Network says it aims to highlight the severity of Sydney’s rental crisis with its latest reality TV offering ‘A Renter Wants A Home.’ “It’s not for the faint hearted,” says Seven programming boss Steve Yardley. “It’s kind of like ‘The Block’ meets ‘The Hunger Games’.” ‘A Renter Wants A Home’ will see five contestants competing to rent a liveable home within the Sydney metropolitan area for under $800 per week. The 13 episode series takes viewers on a rollercoaster ride of overcrowded rental inspections, skyrocketing prices, and vicious landlord negotiations. “I couldn’t think of anything worse…

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