Prime Minister welcomes ISIS Brides back to Australia last night with luxury Vivid Harbour cruise
ROCKSTAR TREATMENT: The Prime Minister has moved swiftly to ease the transition of the returning ISIS brides back into Australian life, organising an exclusive harbour cruise during this year’s Vivid Sydney festival. Four ISIS brides and six children who landed in Sydney last night immediately went to Rushcutters Bay Marina, where they met with the PM and several ISIS-linked women already in Sydney. “Welcome back to Australia!” the PM told the group, after they boarded a fully catered luxury super yacht. “We’re pleased to begin your reintegration with canapés, mocktails and uninterrupted harbour views.” The super yacht cruised the harbour for…
Read MoreNSW Premier announces tough new laws banning Bondi Junction residents from saying they live in ‘Bondi’
WORLD’S APART: The NSW Premier is taking some much needed action to restore geographical truth and social order in Sydney’s eastern suburbs. Chris Minns has unveiled strict new legislation banning Bondi Junction residents from claiming they live in “Bondi.” “Enough is enough,” he said at a press conference a short time ago. “Bondi Junction residents live near a train station and a shopping mall, not the ocean.” “They’re 2.3 kilometres and a steep hill away from any sand, so they shouldn’t be able to adopt surf culture.” The ‘Truth in Postcode Representation Act’ will impose tough penalties, including $1,500 on-the-spot…
Read MoreCity of Sydney Council releases its official ‘Vivid Survival Pack’ for thousands of visitors forced to go against their will
LIGHT RELIEF: The state government has released its official Vivid Survival Pack, a limited-edition emergency kit designed for the growing number of festival-goers who experience immediate and profound regret upon arriving. “Vivid Sydney is one of the world’s great light festivals,” says the NSW Premier. “We want to ensure visitors are fully equipped to enjoy it, or at minimum, survive it.” The pack includes rugby style headgear to protect precious brain cells when the post drone show crowd crush gets too hectic. Also included is a distress flare, heat packs for “minor exposure to Circular Quay winds,” an inflatable dingy…
Read More“I thought it was part of Vivid”: Sydney man’s freshly installed veneers mistaken for light installation
FLASHY WHITES: A Sydney man’s smile has become an unexpected centrepiece of Vivid Sydney after passersby mistook his new veneers for a cutting-edge light installation. Mark Iluk-Farrah was enjoying the opening night of event tonight when several people gathered around him, snapping photos and praising “the immersive glow of the piece.” “I thought it was a commentary on artificial perfection in modern capitalism,” said one onlooker. “Turns out it’s just some bloke from Double Bay with veneers.” Witnesses claim his teeth began refracting light across the harbour, momentarily disrupting maritime traffic. “Someone asked if they could scan a QR code…
Read MoreLoreto Kirribilli asks student who grew up in St Leonards to give speech at assembly about hardship and resilience
RAGS TO RICHES: A student at a top private girls school in Sydney’s Lower North Shore has shared her remarkable story of transformation, against all odds. Year 11 Loreto Kirribilli student Emma Fullerton-Hayes gave a speech at school assembly today about her traumatic childhood in St Leonards. “Life was very different for me back then,” she said. “For starters I used to go to North Sydney Public School and at home we didn’t even have harbour views or a private chef.” Fullerton-Hayes, whose family moved to Cremorne in 2019, said she was initially hesitant to share her story but ultimately felt…
Read MoreEastern suburbs woman who refuses to drink milk, now just spraying it on her face for hydration
MILKY WAY: A lactose-free Paddington woman has gone public with her decision to reintroduce milk into her life via her facial spray. “This Milky Toner Glazing Mist is the closest I’ve come to consuming dairy in the last 18 years,” Amber Hedley-Jones told DBT. “It hydrates and refreshes my face and it’s 100% vegan friendly.” After years of changing her milk preferences from oat, to almond, then briefly macadamia during a difficult personal branding phase, the 31-year-old eventually cut out dairy altogether in late 2023. But friends say Amber has lately been spraying Skin Control’s Milky Toner Glazing Mist liberally…
Read MoreREPORT: 12% of drivers on the Harbour Bridge are only there because they took a wrong turn in the city
LAP OF HONOUR: Sydney’s complex road network is catching out a growing number of drivers who are finding themselves on the Harbour Bridge, against their will. A new report by the NRMA has found a staggering 12% of north-bound motorists are on the bridge by mistake after taking a wrong turn or getting stuck in the wrong lane while driving in the CBD. “Yesterday I was driving in Woolloomooloo heading into the city when all of a sudden I was on the Cahill Expressway with no way of turning around,” says one Rose Bay man. “The only way to get…
Read MoreSydney’s nightlife now so bleak, Time Out names Woolworths Double Bay the city’s top party spot
OFF TROLLEY: Woolworths Double Bay is the latest hotspot for a generation misled by covid lockdowns and Sydney’s lockout laws. Hundreds of revellers are gathering there on Friday and Saturday nights. “Yeah Woolworths Double Bay has been going off lately,” confirms one party goer. And DBT understands there’s a special VIP area near the fruit and veg section. “I’m meeting some friends near the lettuce at 8pm,” says one former Sydney nightclub queen. “I come here and pretend to need groceries and just hang for a few hours.” “There’s no door policy here so it’s pretty good.” But not everyone’s…
Read MoreEastern suburbs woman files for divorce after realising her husband is taking her to Cairns, not Cannes
DEVIL IN THE DETAIL: A misunderstanding over a holiday destination is set to end the seven year marriage of one Sydney couple. Vicki Hamilton-Briggs has filed for divorce after discovering that her husband, Julian, was planning a surprise getaway to Cairns. “Cairns? In Queensland? You have to be joking!” she told her husband. “I thought you were taking me to Cannes, as in a romantic trip to the French Riviera!” Vicki Hamilton-Briggs says the confusion initially came about when she misread the itinerary. “I thought we’d be walking the red carpet and sipping champagne with celebrities at the Cannes film…
Read MoreJetstar soon to offer flights from Sydney Airport to Western Sydney International
SHORT HAUL TRAVEL: Travellers using Western Sydney International Airport will soon be able to fly there direct from Sydney Kingsford Smith Airport. “It’s our newest domestic offering,” says a Jetstar spokesperson. “The flight time is expected to be eleven minutes and only costs $111 dollars, including light refreshments.” The news is being welcomed in Sydney’s east, where many residents are concerned about travelling to Badgerys Creek by road. “I rarely drive anywhere past Anzac Parade,” admits one local woman. “And this flight is much cheaper than an Uber, especially with all the road tolls.” At time of publication, Jetstar confirmed passengers…
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