Posts by DBT
Premier Urges ‘Black Lives Matter’ Activists To Stage Protest Via Zoom Meeting
It’s the video conferencing app helping to keep the world feeling connected during COVID-19. And, today the NSW premier has asked Black Lives Matter activists to stage their planned protest tomorrow via a Zoom meeting. “It’s important that we honour people’s right to protest,” says Gladys Berejiklian. “But we need to ensure protesting is done in a COVID safe way.” It follows the state government’s announcement this afternoon that it will seek to make tomorrow’s Sydney protest illegal. “Please stay at home,” says the Premier. “You can make your feelings known safely from the comfort of your own living room.”…
Read More#BREAKING: Lindsay Lohan Seen Looting In West Hollywood
Actress and entrepreneur Lindsay Lohan’s fall from grace continues today. A DBT photographer has captured the 33 year old looting in a West Hollywood shopping mall. “She was there looting among hundreds of others,” says photographer Phil Henson. “But unlike the others, she seemed quite picky in what she was running away with.” The photo shows Lohan holding sunglasses, an Akubra hat and a designer pair of cowboy boots, worth a combined estimated total of $3500. “I saw her running out of a Nine West store,” says Henson. “But she seemed more worried about looking at her stolen goods than…
Read MoreKyle Sandilands Now Offering MasterClass On ‘Attention Seeking’
“Getting attention is easy, even if you’re just a widely-hated, fat bastard,” says the shock jock. Radio shock jock Kyle Sandilands has released a new MasterClass on how to seek attention. In his 15 minute video tutorial, Sandilands shares his insights on how to get in the news headlines and stay there. “I use my radio show to say as many controversial things as possible,” he says. “The goal is to appear in shitty tabloids like news.com.au, Daily Mail and the Daily Telegraph.” MasterClass is a platform where masters of their craft give lessons via video. Sandilands joins a long…
Read MoreLocal Woman Staying 1.5m From Her Husband At All Times
A Sydney woman is using the coronavirus pandemic as an excuse not to touch her husband. “Matt and I have been socially distancing for the last two months,” says Sonya Doman. “I know infection rates are low, but I just want to stay safe and #StopTheSpread.” But Ms Doman is accused of rarely going near her husband, even before the pandemic begun. “Nothing’s changed,” claims husband Matt Doman. “She stopped being affectionate with me about 3 years ago when I got a beer gut. I’m lucky if she even says hello.” DBT asked Sonya Doman if she has any plans…
Read MoreChina Announces 80% Tariff On All Australian Imports, Except Bats, Snakes & Frogs
China has widened its Australian trade boycott, today announcing an 80% tariff on all Australian imports. From next Tuesday, Beijing says the tariff will be applied to Australian iron ore, coal, beef, goats, sheep, dairy and wine. The tariff has already been applied to Australian barley. But local bat, snake and frog exporters have been spared. “We don’t have any technical issues with how bats, snakes or frogs are imported from Australia,” says China’s President Xi Jinping. “They can continue as normal.” New South Wales snake and frog breeder Lyle McGiven is expressing relief. “Luckily for us, our Chinese orders wont…
Read MoreMan Doing ‘Push-Up Challenge’ To Show Off Triceps Instead Of Supporting Mental Health
A Melbourne man has admitted to taking part in a fundraising event purely to show off his arm muscles. The Push-Up Challenge asks Australians to push ups to raise money for mental health. “I didn’t even know it was a fundraiser until you just told me,” Phil Blackly admitted to our reporter. “I was just doing it as an excuse to show off about how ripped my triceps are.” The 31 year old fitness enthusiast has posted a photo to Instagram and Facebook of him taking part in the challenge every day for the last 10 days. “I wait till…
Read MoreNSW Premier Announces Ban On Toilet Cubicle Sharing [1-min read]
The NSW Premier has announced a tough new social distancing measure banning people from sharing toilet cubicles. “We’re gradually allowing pubs and clubs to re-open, but patrons need to be careful, and that includes in the bathroom,” says Gladys Berejiklian. The new law limits toilet cubicle use to only one person at a time. “I’ve actually never understood why people would share toilet cubicles,” says the Premier. “It’s very unhygienic.” Pub and club owners argue the new rules are heavy-handed. “Our toilet cubicles are already in very high demand,” says James Gibson, manager of The Golden Sheaf Hotel in Double…
Read MoreActivewear Brand Lorna Jane Releases New ‘CoronaWear’ Line
Australian activewear brand Lorna Jane has released a new line specifically designed for the coronavirus lockdown. “We saw early on that activewear sales were booming, so we figured there’s a market for clothes specifically designed for the ISO ‘working from home’ lifestyle,” says Lorna Jane. The new line called ‘Coronawear’ uses different fabrics for extra comfort around the home. “Coronawear fabrics are extra breathable,” says Lorna Jane. “So they’re very comfortable for napping, but equally suitable for home workouts and shooting TikTok videos.” The range is designed to prevent people from needing to change clothes between different activities. It also…
Read More“The Wuhan Wet Market Is Much Safer Than Australian Beef,” Says China’s President
China’s hopes of being treated like a genuine first world country have taken another turn for the worse. The communist nation yesterday suddenly announced the suspension of imports from four Australian red meat abattoirs, over “labelling and health certificate requirements.” “Health standards at Australian abattoirs are not up to scratch,” says China’s President Xi Jinping. “We need more transparency around labelling and hygiene.” Xi Jinping says Wuhan’s Wet Market’s are significantly cleaner and safer. “I’d much prefer to eat a bat from a Wuhan wet market seller than risk it with Australian beef,” he says. China has also threatened to…
Read More“Who Will Tell Us What To Think?” Boomers Fear Future Without Alan Jones
The nation’s boomers are lamenting today’s shock retirement of veteran broadcaster Alan Jones. The conservative talkback host announced he’s quitting radio sooner than expected. “It’s upsetting to be honest,” says one 68 year old woman. “We don’t use the internet much. We prefer to get our news and information off AM radio in the early morning.” Another boomer who spoke to DBT says he’s been left devastated to hear Jones’ last broadcast on 2GB will be on May 29. “This is a big blow for boomers and taxi drivers around Australia. Alan has guided me through the last 30 years…
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