Posts by DBT
“Who Will Tell Us What To Think?” Boomers Fear Future Without Alan Jones
The nation’s boomers are lamenting today’s shock retirement of veteran broadcaster Alan Jones. The conservative talkback host announced he’s quitting radio sooner than expected. “It’s upsetting to be honest,” says one 68 year old woman. “We don’t use the internet much. We prefer to get our news and information off AM radio in the early morning.” Another boomer who spoke to DBT says he’s been left devastated to hear Jones’ last broadcast on 2GB will be on May 29. “This is a big blow for boomers and taxi drivers around Australia. Alan has guided me through the last 30 years…
Read More2GB Management Thank Alan Jones For “Retiring” So They Didn’t Have To Sack Him
Management at radio station 2GB say they’re grateful that Alan Jones has agreed to end his controversial radio broadcasting career. “We agreed to let him save face by announcing his retirement,” says 2GB executive Henry Hammer. “But to be honest, we told him he’d be taken off air either way.” The conservative talkback host’s “retirement” comes sooner than listeners had expected. Sponsors were pulling millions of advertising dollars away from Jones’ breakfast show after the 79 year old consistently showed just how out of touch he is. “There was his bizarre backing of Israel Falou, and before that a string…
Read MoreNathan Cleary Back On TikTok After Easing Of Social Distancing Rules
Panthers star Nathan Cleary has invited two friends to his Penrith home to make more TikTok videos. Two videos of the group dancing were posted at 3.30pm and 3.41pm yesterday, after new social distancing rules kicked in last week, allowing two adults to visit another household. “We’ve done nothing wrong ey,” says Cleary. “The three of us had good fun and it was totally legit and above board.” It comes after Cleary landed in hot water last month when images and TikTok videos of him partying with a group of young females emerged during the COVID lockdown. He was fined…
Read MoreLocal Introvert Forced To Think Of New Excuses To Avoid Social Activity
As the Covid-19 pandemic eases, a local introvert is turning his attention to new excuses for not socialising. “Saying ‘sorry, I have to run errands’ just hasn’t got the same ring to it,” says Peter Kremer. “Coronavirus was literally the perfect excuse.” The 29 year old data analytics specialist says he’s feeling increasingly anxious ahead of next week’s easing of social distancing restrictions. “From next Friday I could easily find myself in a group of 5 or even 10 other people,” he says. “I need to somehow go back into lockdown ASAP. It’s understood Kremer has already tried saying to…
Read MorePremier Announces Carriageworks To Be Transformed Into A Casino
Sydney’s premier contemporary performance space ‘Carriageworks’ is set for exciting overhaul, under a state government plan announced this morning. The multi-arts venue in the historic Eveleigh rail yards will be transformed into a multi-billion dollar Casino. “This is a step forward for Sydney as a premier international destination,” says NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian. “Tourists want pokies and gaming tables.” After hosting major events such as Fashion Week and the Sydney Writers’ Festival, Carriageworks announced on Monday that Coronavirus had forced it into administration. “Cultural institutions are nice things to have, but we need venues that will drive revenue for the…
Read MoreChina Employs Marie Kondo To Help Clean Up Controversial Wuhan Laboratory
She’s built a reputation for helping desperate home owners organise their bedrooms. But now Marie Kondo has been employed by Beijing to help clean up the Wuhan laboratory, where some claim coronavirus originated. “I’ve been asked by Beijing to help remove any incriminating evidence from the lab,” says the Japanese tidying expert. “But I’m not going to lie, this lab is a filthy fucking mess.” It comes amid growing international calls on China to allow investigators into the lab, known as the Wuhan Institute of Virology. “There is no doubt, this is a dirty, sub-standard laboratory,” admits Marie Kondo. “There…
Read MoreAndrew Forrest Eats Bat Soup On Tour Of Controversial Wuhan Wet Market
Australian mining billionaire Andrew Forrest has toured the Wuhan wet market which is thought to be ground zero of the coronavirus. “A few hours ago I ate some bat soup here. It was a taste sensation and to be honest, I’m feeling great,” says Forrest. It follows the Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison scolding the World Health Organisation for supporting the reopening of China’s wet markets. “Don’t worry Scott, you can trust me mate,” says Forrest. “This market is totally clean, safe and ready for business. I’m actually coming back here tomorrow to eat some dogs.” In recent diplomatic tensions…
Read MorePM Launches New App Which Notifies Users Who Come Within 1.5m Of An NRL Player
The federal government has launched a second mobile phone app aimed at containing the spread of Covid-19. The app – called ‘NRLSafe’ – notifies users when they come within 1.5m of an NRL player. “I’m urging everyone to download this important app,” says Scott Morrison. “NRL players are a high-risk group and they can pop up literally anywhere.” It follows three NRL players being fined after breaching social distancing rules. Nathan Cleary, Latrell Mitchell and Josh Addo-Carr were all found guilty after photos emerged of them hanging out with friends. “NRL players don’t seem to understand the rules,” says the…
Read MoreAll ‘Massage Parlours’ Within 5km Radius Of Parliament House To Re-open
Nationals MP Barnaby Joyce is spearheading a policy initiative to re-open all ‘massage parlours’ within close proximity to parliament house. “Enough is enough,” says the former deputy PM. “The Covid-19 crisis has been a very stressful time for policy makers. We need relief.” Massage parlours and other non-essential services have been closed for the last month as part of the federal government’s social distancing laws. But Barnaby Joyce has convinced the Prime Minister to sign off on new laws allowing parlours within a 5km radius of parliament house to re-open. “These businesses create a lot of stimulus which will flow…
Read MoreSupermarkets Voted Best Place To Socialise During Covid-19
A new report by consumer group Choice has found supermarkets are currently the most popular place to socialise. “Our research shows people are arranging to meet friends at supermarkets, or going there in the hope of bumping into people they know,” says Choice’s Sam Warren. Choice’s survey of 2000 Australians found 73% of respondents voted the fruit and vegetable section as their favourite Covid-19 hang out spot. “Meeting friends at a supermarket is better than meeting them in a park – there are no police breathing down your neck,” says local woman Jemma Phillips. “And at Woolworths Double Bay for…
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