Posts Tagged ‘Staying On’
Nick Kyrgios Deemed A Hero After Not Acting Like A Fuckwit One Time
Has tennis bad boy Nick Kyrgios turned a corner? Tennis commentators say the fiery 24 year old is a “new man” after not acting like a complete fuckwit in his loss to Rafa Nadal last night. “It looks like we have a new darling of Australian tennis,” says commentator Todd Woodbridge. Kyrgios’s heroic appearance began with a touching tribute to NBA legend Kobe Bryant. “Kyrgios appeared to genuinely care about something for once,” says Woodbridge. “It was strange, but refreshing.” He briefly returned to his old form in the third set, arguing with the umpire, breaking his racquet, and berating…
Read MoreCorona Wins Sponsorship Of Latest Virus Outbreak In Biggest Advertising Deal Of All Time
The popular saying ‘all publicity is good publicity’ is being embraced by the Mexican brewer which makes the popular Corona beer brand. Grupo Modelo has signed a $4.6 billion deal with the World Health Organisation for exclusive naming rights of the deadly Chinese outbreak. “Calling it the Coronavirus is strategic move to get our name out there and be part of the conversation,” says Corona’s CEO Chris Goris. Corona says its sponsorship arrangement with the WHO is the biggest advertising deal of all time. “It’s risky, but it’s already paying off,” says Chris Goris. “It’s spurned a wealth of jokes and…
Read MoreSevere Parking Shortage At Bondi Beach Forces Angry Driver To Take Drastic Action
A Sydney driver has taken bold and drastic action today amid a severe and ongoing shortage of parking options at Bondi Beach. Peter McKenny told DBT that he’d been driving around Campbell Parade and surrounding streets for two hours looking for parking, before losing his cool. “I drove through the guard rail up near Icebergs and just let my car flip and fall to the ground below,” says the 33 year old Rose Bay man. “It’s actually not a bad spot in the end.” Mr McKenny says the incident has caused significant damage to his small SUV. “But seriously, the…
Read MoreLiberal Party Announces Return Of John Howard As Australia’s Interim Prime Minister
Australia’s second longest serving Prime Minister is making an unexpected return to the top job. At 80 years of age, John Howard is set to replace Scott Morrison who is leaving the role after his floundering response to Australia’s bushfire crisis. “It’s not a long-term thing,” says John Howard. “Just until we can find someone decent to run the country.” After a recent revolving door of largely ineffective Australian Prime Ministers, the Coalition says a period of stability is much needed. “We’re honoured to have John agree to come back to Parliament,” says a Liberal party spokesperson. “He’s already done…
Read More#BREAKING: Prince Harry Announced As New Spokesperson For The Australian Republican Movement
Less than four days after announcing his split from the Royal family, The Australian Republican Movement has announced Prince Harry as its new spokesperson. The 35 year old made a surprise visit down under as part of his new 2 year contract. “To be honest, the Royal family is a load of bollocks,” Prince Harry told thousands of fans welcoming him in Sydney today. “Australia needs to replace the foreign monarchy with an Australian as its head of state. If Meghan and I can make the split. So can you.” The Chairman of the Australian Republican Movement says its new…
Read MorePrince Harry & Meghan Markle Launch GoFundMe Page
Less than four days after announcing they’re stepping back from senior roles in the Royal family, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have launched a GoFundMe page. “It’s just a short term initiative,” says Prince Harry. “We just need some funds while we are between jobs and raising a young child.” As the couple prepare to divide their time between the UK and North America, they say they’re working towards becoming financially independent. “It’s not going to happen overnight, and neither of us have jobs yet, so we need your help,” says Meghan Markle. “Please give generously.” So far they’ve raised…
Read MoreUnprofitable Sydney Start-Up Vows To Donate 10% Of Profits To Bushfire Victims
A Sydney start-up has promised to donate 10% of its profit to bushfire victims, even though it doesn’t make any profit. Cynthia Boland launched her business 10 months ago and has so far spent $60,000 on office space, research & development and marketing. “I’m developing a revolutionary new app connecting Sydney landlords with renters,” she says. “It’s got a lot of potential but so far it’s been a hard slog to be honest.” That hasn’t stopped her from running a social media campaign saying she’ll donate 10% of all profits to bushfire victims. “As soon as we make any profit,…
Read More35 Year Old Father Of One Decides To Move Out Of Grandmother’s House
A 35 year old man has made the brave decision to stop living with his grandmother. The man known as ‘Harry’ told relatives he will still honour his family members but will no longer live near them. “I want to become financially independent,” says the father of one. “I’m also going to give up my allowance.” The move is expected to cost him millions of dollars. But Harry says he’s not concerned as he’s already worth around $60 million, while his wife Meghan is worth around $7.6 million. “It’s going to be an adjustment,” Meghan Markle told DBT. “But at least…
Read MoreBushfire Victim Marks Herself As ‘Safe’ On Facebook After Shaking PM’s Hand
A pregnant woman who lost her house and possessions in a bushfire has marked herself as ‘safe’ on Facebook after shaking the Prime Minister’s hand. TV news cameras filmed Zoey McDermott being forced by Scott Morrison to shake his hand as he toured the fire ravaged area of Cobargo on the NSW South Coast. “I’m safe and well,” she captioned her Facebook ‘Safety Check.’ “He grabbed my hand without my consent. But I want everyone to know that I’m O.K.” The Prime Minister has made non-consensual contact with several bushfire victims and firefighters over the past few days. It’s led…
Read MorePM’s Staff Now Pre-Screening Bushfire Victims To Ensure They Agree To Shake His Hand
Scott Morrison’s media team has adopted a new strategy to combat awkward on camera exchanges where bushfire victims have refused to shake the PM’s hand. “Any fire victims or firefighters who want to meet with the PM will now be required to fill out a short questionnaire first,” says the PM’s staffer. Among the questions in the survey are: ‘Have the bushfires claimed your home or business?’ Have you slept in the past 48 hours?’ And: ‘Are you prepared to shake the Prime Minister’s hand on camera?’ The government’s pre-screening initiative comes after several bushfire victims snubbed and heckled the…
Read More