Posts by DBT
Man Completes Transition Into His 40’s By Falling Asleep On The Couch & Waking Up With Tennis Elbow
CAUGHT NAPPING: An impromptu sleep at home on the couch has ended in serious injury for one Sydney man. Yesterday afternoon Gary Dragoon was rushed to hospital, after falling asleep in a strange position and waking up unable to move his elbow. “He’s been diagnosed with a severe case of tendinitis, otherwise known as tennis elbow,” say doctors. “He’s in a serious but stable condition.” The father of two says his body has been getting steadily more fragile since he turned 40 last month. “On Monday I strained my neck while driving over a speed hump too fast,” he told…
Read MoreCrypto Crash Forces Bitcoin Heavyweight Back To His Old Job Selling Real Estate And MDMA
ALL TIME LOW: Continuing heavy falls in crypto prices has led one Sydney man back to his previous employment as a real estate agent. “I’m also selling MDMA as a side hustle.” Nathan Bloom told DBT. “It’s a great time to buy.” “The property market is holding up relatively well despite the expected recession, and demand for recreational drugs is peaking as we head into the summer holidays.” The entrepreneurial 29 year old has been left reeling as Bitcoin prices continue to fall lower than most people had ever expected. But he’s trying to stay positive and hasn’t ruled out…
Read MoreCrossing The Road To Avoid Small Talk With Acquaintances, Can Save You Up To 2 Days A Year: Report
THE GREAT ESCAPE: A landmark new report has shed light on the significant time savings available to those willing to avoid friends and acquaintances on the street. “Often I see people I know walking toward me on the same footpath, so I’ll quickly cross the road so I don’t have to say hello,” one survey participant told DBT. “It’s very useful for avoiding ex-girlfriends, colleagues and even family friends.” The report, by the Pedestrian Council of Australia, shows using these types of tactics can save up to two days worth of generic banter every year. “Time is money,” says another…
Read MoreWaverley Council Launch Crisis Helpline For Drivers Who Fail To Find Parking At Bondi Beach
ROAD RAGE: Waverley council says it noticed a spike in road rage incidents around Bondi today, as virtually every muppet in Sydney headed to the beach. “That’s why we’ve launched a new crisis helpline, to support those who’ve spent hours looking for parking,” says Waverley Mayor Simon Pasalis. “These people need our help.” One caller told a helpline counsellor today that he looked for parking in Dover Heights, before being forced to give up and go back home to Bankstown. “The process of looking for parking and failing can be very demoralising,” says Simon Pasalis. “Even if drivers do eventually…
Read More#BREAKING: Woman Casually Holding Bag Of Poo Like It’s No Big Deal
Park goers are this evening watching on in horror, as a dog owner casually holds a bag full of dog shit. “I’m feeling uncomfortable with how long she’s been holding it for,” says one witness. “She’s been waving it around like a handbag for at least 15 minutes.” Others in the park say they’re curious as to why she doesn’t just throw it out. “I’m pretty sure I could smell it,” says another woman. “She came up to try to talk to me, but I pretended my dog was dragging me away in a different direction.” A DBT reporter caught…
Read MorePeople Who Text; ‘I’ll Be There In 5 Mins’ Arrive On Average 1.5 Hours Later: Report
NOT SATIRE: It’s among the most commonly used phrases in the English language, but its real meaning remains shrouded in mystery. The term ‘I’ll be there in 5 mins’ has rapidly gained popularity as time pressed mobile users text friends with an estimated time of arrival. But researchers say the term is inherently misleading. “Our study has found most people who use the phrase end up arriving on average 90 minutes later,” says Carl Linden from the University of NSW. “In many cases they don’t show up at all.” The researchers questioned a random sample of 2000 people about their…
Read MoreMillions Quit Twitter, Leaving The Only Remaining Users As Elon Musk, Donald Trump & Pete Evans
LAST MEN STANDING: Elon Musk’s purchase of Twitter was aimed at “restoring free speech” on the social media network. However analysts say Twitter has fast become a cesspool of extremist ideas and right-wing propaganda. “More than 200 million users have quit Twitter in the past few days,” says social media expert Mark Tardry. “The only people left are Elon Musk, Donald Trump and the disgraced celebrity chef Pete Evans.” The mass exodus comes in response to Elon Musk’s move to sack half of the company’s staff, and also over plans to charge users $8 a month for Twitter verification. Elon…
Read MoreSydney Woman Uses Today’s Slightly Warmer Weather As Flimsy Excuse To Post A Thirst Trap
HOT GIRL SUMMER: Temperatures are rising in Sydney today, with warm weather, and a glamorous thirst trap instagram carousel. Sydney’s Melanie Riley posted four photos of himself today at Malabar Beach. “Great content!” and “Umm hello!!!” were among the comments, with plenty of fire emojis. But not everyone was impressed. “She’s been a bit quick off the mark with the thirst traps given it’s only 19 degrees,” says another follower who DBT spoke to anonymously. “In her photos she’s even using props! I mean please.” Either way, the montage has so far wracked up a very healthy 194 likes and…
Read MoreBondi Woman Marks Start Of Summer By Changing Her FB Background Pic To Photo Of Icebergs
HOT GIRL SUMMER: It’s that time of the year again for Bondi resident Rachel Smith. For the last six years, in the first week of November, she updates her Facebook background image to a photo of the trendy pool and restaurant known as Icebergs. “Having Icebergs prominently on my social media is an easy way to reinforce the idea that I live in Bondi,” she says. “One day soon I might even go for a swim there.” And she’s not alone. A new report has shown that almost three-quarters of Bondi residents now have Icebergs as their Facebook background image.…
Read MoreMosman woman now wearing activewear full-time, in case she needs to run from a lion
HEAR ME ROAR: Mosman council says it’s encouraging local residents to wear active wear at all times. “Recent research found wearing activewear can increase running speeds by up to 1.3 seconds over 100 metres,” says the council. It comes a day after five lions escaped their enclosure at Mosman’s Taronga Zoo. “I need to be quick off the mark and as aerodynamic as possible to give me the best chance of running to safety,” says local woman Eve White. Ms White says it could be a while before she’ll consider returning to wearing normal clothes. “I’m not taking any chances,” the mother…
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