Posts by DBT
Craig Foster hoping Ajdin Hrustic scores a goal, so he can flex his ethnic name pronunciation skills
TONGUE TWISTER: SBS football commentators are well-known for their passion and pronunciation. And, despite being of Anglo-Celtic descent, former Socceroo Craig Foster thrives on pronouncing even the most exotic and complex ethnic names. “Among the Socceroos at this World Cup, I’ve got my eye on Garang Kuol and defender Milos Degenek,” says Foster. “But honestly, I’m really hoping Ajdin Hrustic gets on the score sheet against Argentina.” “I just love the way the ‘H’ blends into the ‘R’” says the former Socceroo. Ajdin Hrustic was born in Australia, but carries the ethnic surname of his Bosnian father. “If Hrustic scores…
Read More“Yes, we won!” shouts former private school boy who used to bash anyone who played soccer
CHANGE OF HEART: The 1998 captain of the Scots College 1st XV Rugby team is today jumping on the soccer bandwagon after the Socceroos World Cup victory against Denmark. “How good are the Socceroos!?” shouted Miles McKenzie, in the early hours of this morning as he watched the game that saw Australia book a place in the round of 16. “I can’t believe we beat Denmark. I’m so proud of our boys.” But it was a very different story back in his toxic private school boy days when rugby ruled, and when he’d verbally and physically abuse anyone who played…
Read MoreMisleading & deceptive: Bondi Junction man claiming to live in ‘Bondi’
IMPOSTER: It’s the one question Jye Coulman always loves being asked: “Where do you live?” His answer always comes quickly and enthusiastically: “I live in Bondi.” But an investigation by DBT has revealed the 29 year old actually lives more than 3 kilometres away from Bondi. His apartment in Ebley street lies deep within Bondi Junction’s borders – a 2 minute walk to the Westfield centre – but a 30 minute walk from Bondi Beach. “Oh whatever, ‘Bondi’ & ‘Bondi Junction’ are basically the same things,” claims Coulman. “The ‘Junction’ part is nether here nor there.” “Besides, I’m always at…
Read MoreFriend With Man Bun Spends Entire Dinner Talking About How He Knows A Better Restaurant
SO SYDNEY: A night out to catch up with friends over dinner last night somehow morphed into a brutal forum of petty one-upmanship. Mark Casen and his girlfriend invited his old friend Daniel Hodge on a double date to Mimi’s in Double Bay. But Daniel Hodge spent the whole night talking about some other fucking place in Surry Hills which he claims: “No one has really heard about yet.” “We’ll have to go there next time,” continued Hodge. “I know a guy who works there so I could get us a good table.” “I think my taste buds are more…
Read MoreQATAR BEER BAN: Sober England Fan Finally Realises That Watching Soccer Is ‘Very Fucking Boring’
SOBER TRUTH: It’s taken a 5-thousand kilometre trip to Qatar for one English soccer fanatic to discover the shocking truth about the game he loves. “It’s actually really fucking boring to watch, unless you’re very pissed,” admits Simon Millard who just watched England’s shock 0-0 draw with the USA at the World Cup. His revelation comes after Qatari authorities banned the sale of beer in and around stadiums. “Obviously I drank heavily before the game at our hotel, but I’d sobered up by the end of the first half,” Simon Millard told DBT. “The first 10 minutes of the game…
Read MoreNetwork TEN To Host Daily 11am Press Conference On Who Is Leaving The Project
MEDIA OBSESSION: As media interest in hosting changes at The Project continues to grow, Network TEN has announced it’ll host a daily press conference on the topic. “As of Tuesday at 8pm, we have three new cases of hosts quitting the show,” said Network TEN executive Steve Jamison in yesterday’s 11am update. “But our health advice shows that number is expected to rise.” The embattled network is slowly announcing replacement hosts for The Project, but not quickly enough to keep up with the spread of departures. “This is a rapidly changing situation and unfortunately I don’t have a crystal ball,”…
Read MoreMan Completes Transition Into His 40’s By Falling Asleep On The Couch & Waking Up With Tennis Elbow
CAUGHT NAPPING: An impromptu sleep at home on the couch has ended in serious injury for one Sydney man. Yesterday afternoon Gary Dragoon was rushed to hospital, after falling asleep in a strange position and waking up unable to move his elbow. “He’s been diagnosed with a severe case of tendinitis, otherwise known as tennis elbow,” say doctors. “He’s in a serious but stable condition.” The father of two says his body has been getting steadily more fragile since he turned 40 last month. “On Monday I strained my neck while driving over a speed hump too fast,” he told…
Read MoreCrypto Crash Forces Bitcoin Heavyweight Back To His Old Job Selling Real Estate And MDMA
ALL TIME LOW: Continuing heavy falls in crypto prices has led one Sydney man back to his previous employment as a real estate agent. “I’m also selling MDMA as a side hustle.” Nathan Bloom told DBT. “It’s a great time to buy.” “The property market is holding up relatively well despite the expected recession, and demand for recreational drugs is peaking as we head into the summer holidays.” The entrepreneurial 29 year old has been left reeling as Bitcoin prices continue to fall lower than most people had ever expected. But he’s trying to stay positive and hasn’t ruled out…
Read MoreCrossing The Road To Avoid Small Talk With Acquaintances, Can Save You Up To 2 Days A Year: Report
THE GREAT ESCAPE: A landmark new report has shed light on the significant time savings available to those willing to avoid friends and acquaintances on the street. “Often I see people I know walking toward me on the same footpath, so I’ll quickly cross the road so I don’t have to say hello,” one survey participant told DBT. “It’s very useful for avoiding ex-girlfriends, colleagues and even family friends.” The report, by the Pedestrian Council of Australia, shows using these types of tactics can save up to two days worth of generic banter every year. “Time is money,” says another…
Read MoreWaverley Council Launch Crisis Helpline For Drivers Who Fail To Find Parking At Bondi Beach
ROAD RAGE: Waverley council says it noticed a spike in road rage incidents around Bondi today, as virtually every muppet in Sydney headed to the beach. “That’s why we’ve launched a new crisis helpline, to support those who’ve spent hours looking for parking,” says Waverley Mayor Simon Pasalis. “These people need our help.” One caller told a helpline counsellor today that he looked for parking in Dover Heights, before being forced to give up and go back home to Bankstown. “The process of looking for parking and failing can be very demoralising,” says Simon Pasalis. “Even if drivers do eventually…
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