Posts Tagged ‘Timely’
‘Don’t change the Australia Day date’ says white man still traumatised by the Coon Cheese rebrand
SET IN HIS WAYS: As Australian Day rolls around again, one Brisbane man is doing everything he can to ensure his voice is heard. “The date must remain January 26,” says Steve Waters. “It’s our basic civil right to celebrate Australia Day on the day of British invasion and attempted genocide.” And while growing numbers of Australians support changing the date, Max Riley says it goes one step too far. “We’ve already had to endure the re-brand of Coon cheese,” says the father of two. “Australia’s entire culture is being dismantled piece by piece.” He says the dismantling all began…
Read MoreMan back at work uses sign to prevent generic questions about his holidays
CONVERSATION STOPPER: A local marketing executive is going to extreme lengths to stave off generic questions about how he spent his summer holidays. “I desperately want to avoid repeating the same things over and over,” says Steven Hockney. “In fact I don’t want to talk at all.” On his first day back at work today, the 29 year old is holding a sign which he shows to anyone who asks about his holidays. It reads: “Good thanks. I just stayed in Sydney and relaxed.” Steven Hockney told DBT the truth is that his two weeks off were a blur of Tinder dates…
Read MoreHOUSING CRISIS: Sydney’s homeless mistaken as people camping out to watch the fireworks
LIVING ROUGH: Sydney’s housing crisis is on full display once again today with thousands of homeless people cramming into CBD parks and other public spaces. Many mainstream news outlets are mistakenly reporting that these people are camping out to secure prime spots for the New Year’s Eve fireworks display. “I couldn’t give a shit about the fireworks,” one man camping out in the Domain told DBT. “Honestly, it’s the last thing on my mind. I’ve actually been camping out here for three months already.” Another homeless person at the Rocks this afternoon says she’s only there because he’s spent the…
Read MoreTime Out Sydney says the best thing to do on NYE is take a sleeping pill & go to bed at 10.30pm
KNOCKOUT BLOW: Popular lifestyle magazine Time Out has just released its guide for New Year’s Eve in Sydney, and it’s a big departure from the usual fanfare of fireworks, parties and Harbour cruises. “Save yourself a lot of anxiety, money and time by staying home this New Year’s,” says the magazine. “Put 2023 to bed by taking a sleeping pill at 10.30pm.” Time Out acknowledges its recommendation this year is unconventional, but says it’s aimed at avoiding crowds, overpriced drinks and the logistical nightmare of getting home. “Honestly, do yourself a huge favour,” says the publication, which is known for…
Read MoreLindt Balls overtake Ferrero Rocher as most generic, thoughtless Christmas gift
CHANGING OF THE GUARD: For the last decade Ferrero Rocher chocolates have been the number one go-to generic, thoughtless Christmas gift. But all that has changed with new data showing Lindt Balls chocolates have moved into the top spot. This seismic shift in the chocolate gift hierarchy was confirmed after a nationwide survey revealed that a staggering number of Australians now default to Lindt when in doubt. “Our research shows more than two million Australians will receive Lindt Balls as a Christmas gift this year,” says Phil Hegarty from consumer group Choice. “It’s the gift to give when you don’t…
Read MoreSydney father excited to see what he got his children for Christmas: Report
MYSTERY SHOPPER: A Sydney father who once again had zero involvement with the selection and purchase of his children’s Christmas presents is this morning waiting with baited breath to find what out they got. “I leave gifting entirely up to my highly efficient wife,” Steve Johnson admitted to DBT. “I pretend I know what the gift is, but deep down I have absolutely no idea.” “It adds that little bit of extra excitement to the gift giving process.” He says that extra adrenalin is crucial in helping him survive Christmas Day. “I need all the help I can get,” he…
Read More“I hate NYE, all I want to do this year is stay home & chill,” claims man who hasn’t been invited anywhere yet
OPEN TO OPPORTUNITIES: With only a few days before the start of 2024, Sydney’s Felix Johns still has no plans for New Year’s Eve. “I’m just over the whole NYE thing,” he told DBT. “Too much noise, too crowded. I’m all about a quiet night in. “Everything I need is at home and the best view of the fireworks is on ABC TV!” But friends of the 31 year old tell a very different story. They claim he’s been covertly trying to get information about everyone’s New Year’s Eve plans, and even trying to secure an invite somewhere, anywhere. “He’s…
Read MoreCorporate drone attempts to show he has a personality by wearing Santa hat at work
JOY TO THE WORLD: A shy office worker is showing his playful side today in a desperate bid to prove that he’s much more than just a lifeless accountant. “Sometimes you gotta live a little,” says Joel Tyler. “I’m getting into the Christmas spirit. I don’t care if it’s only December 15!” The 32 year old is generally known by colleagues as being “distant and introverted.” But not today. Joel Tyler has begun wearing a Santa hat while at work. “Wow, I’m impressed,” says Jane from the legal department. “Joel is actually a lot more quirky and original than we…
Read MoreLocal woman begins ‘Wholesome Byron Bay girl era’ after partying hard in Sydney for the last 6 weeks straight
STUNNING TRANSFORMATION: It’s been a busy summer so far for Sydney PR queen Chloe Montgomery-Masters. The 31 year old has been overwhelmed by Christmas parties, PR activations and drug-fuelled benders. But after arriving in Byron Bay yesterday for a 10 day holiday, she’s transformed from Sydney socialite to Byron Bay bohemian. “I went straight to the lighthouse and posted a selfie with the caption ‘My wholesome Byron Bay girl era has begun.’ “Now it’s time to centre my soul and get back to nature,” she told DBT. “Tomorrow I’m going to get up early and do a sunrise yoga session…
Read MoreWork friends become real friends after doing a line together at their office Christmas party
POWER CHAT: Two corporate drones at a large accounting firm snuck away for a cheeky line at their work Christmas party last night, and their friendship has now entered a new phase. Jye Marwah and James Smith were seen hugging and posing for photos shortly after emerging from the bathroom at the same time. “We had a power chat about who we like, and who we don’t like, around the office,” Jye Marwah told DBT. “It was high quality banter and it’s really brought us closer together.” While queuing up for a drink, Mr Marwah then got out his phone…
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