Posts Tagged ‘Staying On’
#BREAKING: Joe Rogan announced has new co-host of ABC News Breakfast
SWING TO THE RIGHT: In a surprising twist, controversial US podcaster Joe Rogan has accepted an offer from the ABC to co-host its flagship morning program, ABC News Breakfast. The announcement comes only one week after the ABC Chair Kim Williams’ attacked Joe Rogan, saying he ‘preys on people’s vulnerabilities.’ But today, in a shock backflip, the ABC has apologised for the comments. “The truth is we think Joe Rogan will be a great fit for News Breakfast.” “We need a greater diversity of voices and we believe he will help attract younger male viewers to the show.” Rogan will…
Read MoreGrowing calls to widen the government’s proposed social media ban for children to include boomers also
DIGITAL DIVIDE: Lawmakers are today facing mounting pressure to broaden the scope of the proposed social media ban aimed at children. A coalition of Gen Z and millennial social media users want boomers banned as well. “Older generations on social media are actually a menace to society,” says one woman. “My distant boomer relatives often send me unsolicited friend requests, and it makes me feel unsafe.” Others point to the role boomers play in circulating misinformation. “They share dubious health advice and the even think satire news stories are completely real,” says one man. The federal government says a support…
Read MoreMainstream media officially pronounced dead, after even The Sydney Morning Herald runs a Raygun puff piece
DECEASED: After more than two centuries at the forefront of news and opinion, Australia’s mainstream media has officially been pronounced dead today. It comes after one of the nation’s only news publications with any sort of credibility dropped the ball and ran a feature story on controversial break dancer Raygun. “This is a very sad day,” says media analyst James Franks. “Murdoch publications have been running regular Raygun click bait stories, but we were not expecting the SMH to follow suit.” The Sydney Morning Herald’s story outlines Raygun’s strategy to extend her 15 minutes of fame, saying “she has all…
Read More#BREAKING: Trump’s removalists seen taking his tanning bed back into the White House
VICTORY GLOW: The final result U.S election is yet to be called, but with Donald Trump on track for a shock victory, his furniture removalists were spotted with his prize possession. “We are moving Donald’s personal tanning bed back into the White House,” one of the removalists told DBT. “He used it a short time ago at his Palm Beach resort, and he’s insistent we re-install it back into the White House asap.” “After that we have to move in Donald’s personal supply of Le Tan bronzer. It’s heavy work.” DBT is yet to confirm if Trump is going to have…
Read More“If we wanted to fly with politicians, we’d book economy!” Eastern suburbs residents outraged over PM’s Qantas upgrades
HIGH FLYERS: Residents of Sydney’s affluent east are up in arms over news the Prime Minister received complimentary upgrades on Qantas flights. The idea of sharing a cabin with a politician has sent shockwaves through the community, who fear their travel sanctuaries are being invaded by the very people they prefer to keep at arm’s length. “First, they meddle with our property investments, and now they’re encroaching on our business and first class cabins,” lamented one Double Bay man at Sydney airport today. “I mean, Anthony Albanese was a housing commission kid! It’s just not on!” Some frequent flyers are…
Read MoreRaygun applies to do a PhD in modelling after appearing on the front cover of Stellar Magazine
STUNNING AND BRAVE: Former break dancer Raygun has announced a career transition after appearing on the front cover of lifestyle and fashion title Stellar Magazine. After her controversial break dancing appearance at the Paris Olympics, the 37 year old from Hornsby has just applied to do a PhD in modelling at Macquarie University. “I’ve already been picked to appear as a model next year’s Victoria’s Secret show, as well Paris Fashion Week,” she told DBT. Critics say the selection processes might be rigged. “She didn’t even appear on Australia’s Next Top model, and now all of a sudden she’s on…
Read MoreKing Charles finally takes some much-needed downtime, as he sparks up a spliff back at his hotel room
HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS: After a rigorous few days of touring Canberra and Sydney, King Charles has finally taken a moment to relax. In an exclusive photo obtained by DBT, the 74 year old Monarch can be seen toking on a healthy and well-rolled spliff. “Fuck all this touring does my head in,” he reportedly told his wife Queen Camilla. On the fourth and final day of the royal Australian visit, King Charles and Queen Camilla attended several events including a BBQ in Parramatta, an event at Admiralty House, and a meet and greet at the Opera House this afternoon. “I…
Read More#BREAKING: Visiting King Charles and Queen Camilla fail to get a table at Totti’s Bondi
NOT FIT FOR A KING: King Charles and Queen Camilla were unceremoniously turned away today from Totti’s Bondi, a popular Italian eatery on Bondi Road. “Sorry your Majesty, we are booked out till April 14 next year,” the door girl said. “It’s really difficult to get a table here, even for non-celebrities.” The Royals were visibly disturbed about the rejection. “Fuck this place,” Queen Camilla was overheard saying to her husband. “Let’s just go to the Corner House or something.” Royal commentators say the Totti’s snub will feature on news outlets all around the world, and will reflect badly on…
Read More#BREAKING: Kings Charles & Queen Camilla seen combing Westfield Bondi car park, after losing track of where they parked
ROYAL PAIN IN THE ARSE: Even royalty isn’t immune to the trials and tribulations of modern life. King Charles III and Queen Camilla were spotted meticulously combing through the multi-level car park of Westfield Bondi Junction after losing track of where their car was parked. The royal couple arrived in Sydney last night, and got up early this morning to go shopping. “I heard Westfield Bondi Junction was the place to go,” Queen Camilla told DBT. The Royals, with their driver and security, visited several stores within the centre, including Australian fashion retailer Kookai and Rebel Sport. It’s understood they…
Read More#BREAKING: PM appoints Nedd Brockmann as Federal Housing Minister after he raised $2.6 million to tackle homelessness
CABINET RESHUFFLE: A former electrician and ultramarathon runner from the NSW Central West is making a bold career transition into federal politics. Nedd Brockmann has just been appointed as the new Federal Housing Minister in a tear-jerking ceremony in Sydney. “Nedd has raised $2.6 million to combat homelessness by running 1,600 kilometres,” gushed the Prime Minister. “He’s raised more money for homelessness in 12 days than we’ve allocated in years.” Brockmann will replace the current Federal Housing Minister Clare O’Neil next month. “I never imagined I’d get into politics,” he told DBT. “Now finally I’ll be able to sit around…
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