WHITE XMAS: Thousands of family lunches cancelled today, as everyone is out searching for washed up cocaine

LET IT SNOW: Beaches along parts of the NSW coastline are packed with treasure hunters today. It comes after police announced yesterday that 7 packages suspected to contain large amounts of cocaine have washed up on beaches from Newcastle to Sydney over the weekend. “There could be many more,” said one man searching Manly beach today. “If I found one, all my Christmases would come at once.” Thousands of NSW residents are scouring beaches around Sydney and Newcastle, forcing the cancellation of many Christmas lunches. “My grandma was a bit upset, but she said she fully understands,” said another treasure…

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#BREAKING: Network TEN announce brand new TV program: Pondi Rescue

SINK OR SWIM: In a TV market where many new reality shows quickly fail, Network TEN is banking on a fresh offering called ‘Pondi Rescue.’ An extension of TEN’s highly successful Bondi Rescue, the show is filmed at the new man-made beach at Penrith, dubbed ‘Pondi.’ “We’re taking a deep dive into the world of suburban pond emergencies,” says show producer Harry Lakeside. Despite the new ‘beach’ not having any waves, producers still expect lifeguards to be busy. “There might be less drownings, but there’ll be swimmers choking on toxic runoff from nearby factories.” “And don’t forget about dangerous eels…

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Eastern suburbs man travels to new ‘beach’ at Penrith, to avoid having to find parking at Bondi

BEACH HACK: A Darlinghurst man who lives an eight minute drive from arguably one of the best beaches in the world, has driven an hour and a half to the new ‘beach’ at Penrith because it’s much easier to find parking there. “It makes sense,” says Tim Arnold. “I’m too traumatised from years of trying to find parking at Bondi on hot days like today.” Despite a three hour round trip to the new man-made beach at Penrith dubbed, Pondi, the 34 year old says he’s actually saving time. “If I went to Bondi I’d have to spend hours looking…

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#BREAKING: Network TEN announce Lisa Wilkinson to host a local version of Judge Judy

CAREER PIVOT: Senior TV journalist and presenter Lisa Wilkinson is set to play the role of Judge Judy in a local version of the popular show. The original Judge Judy TV show – hosted by Judge Judy Sheindlin – was on air for more than two decades, before ending two years ago. “I’ve had a fair bit of experience in the courts now,” says Wilkinson. “So this is a perfect opportunity to get back to work.” The seasoned presenter hasn’t appeared on television since November last year, when she quit working on The Project after a controversial Logies speech. “Judge…

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“Christian Wilkins’ outfit is offensive!” claims man wearing Bintang singlet, Eels NRL shorts and a pair of Crocs

FASHION FAUX PAS: The outfit Christian Wilkins wore to last night’s Aria awards has drawn an unsettling response. The 28 year old arrived at the star-studded event in a sheer dress, to the dismay of many, including one man from Sydney’s west. “I find that outfit offensive,” says Gareth Riley-James. “What self-respecting bloke would go out dressed like that!?” It comes despite Mr Riley-James wearing the same outfit virtually every day for the last month: A Bintang singlet, Eels shorts and a pair of Crocs. The controversy quickly made its way onto social media, with memes and witty comments highlighting…

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Man trying to spend less time with his wife outraged about Moore Park golf course being cut to nine-holes

MORE PARK: Sydney’s golf community is up in arms today, after the Premier announced Moore Park golf course will be shrunk to just 9 holes to make way for parkland and housing. “There’s already so much parkland in that area!” club member Mark Vialle told DBT. “I heard they’re taking away the 16th hole! I love that tee off, because it suits my natural draw.” But he says his biggest concern is the impact the changes will have on his marriage. “Honestly playing golf is my only peaceful escape from domestic duties,” he says. “It’s an absolute tragedy.” The 32…

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Daniel Andrews’ North Face jacket collection to go on display at the Melbourne Museum

ADVENTURE MAN: The former Victorian Premier has announced that his coveted North Face jacket collection will be going on display at the prestigious Melbourne Museum. “I’m sharing my North Face jacket collection with the people of Victoria,” Daniel Andrews said, while wearing one of the jackets, in a hastily arranged press conference today. Labor voters are clamoring for a glimpse of the iconic jackets that have become synonymous with his public image. He’s well-known for wearing North Face jackets during covid press conferences, despite pandemic having absolutely nothing to do with outdoor adventure sports.  It remains unclear exactly how many…

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#BREAKING: Dan Andrews steps down, after getting new job as spokesman for North Face puffer jackets

NEW ADVENTURE: Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews has fronted the media in a snap press conference to announce the next “exciting phase” of his career. “A short time ago I accepted a job offer as the official spokesman for North Face puffer jackets in Australia and New Zealand,” he told reporters. “As you all know, I wear these jackets pretty much all the time anyway, so it’s not going to be much of a change. haha.” Critics are calling foul play. “Dan Andrews has been trying to get this job for years,” says Victorian opposition leader John Pesutto. “He’s been wearing these…

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#BREAKING: Severe parking shortage at Balmoral Beach forces angry driver to take drastic action

BEACHFRONT PARKING: A Sydney driver has taken bold and drastic action today amid a severe and ongoing shortage of parking options at Balmoral Beach. Peta McKenny-Drake told DBT that she’d been driving around Balmoral, Mosman and other surrounding areas for two hours looking for parking, before losing her cool. “I drove through the concrete wall and just let my car fall to the sand below,” says the 35 year old Mosman woman. “It’s actually not a bad spot in the end!” Ms McKenny-Drake says the incident has caused significant damage to her Kia EV Seltos. “But seriously, the cost of…

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DAMAGE CONTROL: NRL announce all players must now put their phones on flight mode while partying

FUN MODE: The NRL is today taking unprecedented action to reduce the risk of players’ embarrassing social media posts, ill-advised selfies, or even incoherent texts. “Modern communication technology continues to prove a challenge for many players,” says a statement from the NRL. “That’s why we are intervening.” All players are now required to put their phones on flight mode while engaging in recreational activities.  It comes amid news North Queensland superstar Valentine Holmes uploaded a picture with a bag of what appears to be white powder on his own social media account. “Realistically we cant control what players do during…

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