Posts Tagged ‘Staying On’

TARIFF TURNAROUND: In an unprecedented diplomatic twist, U.S President Donald Trump has abruptly reversed his decision to impose a 10% tariff on Australian imports. It comes after a heartfelt phone call from  Anthony Albanese, reminding him that he was raised in public housing by a single mother. “I had no idea Anthony grew up like that,” Trump explained in a hastily convened press conference. “Public housing? Single mother? Very, very sad. Nobody ever mentioned this before.” Sources confirm Albanese strategically opened the call by referencing his humble beginnings, something he has managed to weave into almost every speech, press conference,…

RIZZ: The gloves are off in the battle for the federal election, with the PM trotting out some Gen Z slang in parliament to criticise the opposition. Anthony Albanese said: “..they are delulu with solulu,” referring to the Coalition and its nuclear plan. A basic translation of the phrase is “delusional with no solution.” “You see, I have got the rizz!” the PM told journalists. “I’m definitely cool and relatable.” But the PM’s use of internet slang from five years ago has not passed the vibe check. “I’m shook,” says one young voter. “Please Albo, stick to regular English. Boomers…

HOME GROWN: It might look like the result of yet another round of panic buying, but this is a bold act of patriotic defiance. Kmart has today removed all overseas made products from its shelves. The retailer says it’s now only stocking Australian made products, after Donald Trump imposed a 25 per cent tariff on all steel and aluminium imported into the United States. “We’re committed to supporting Aussie manufacturing,” declared a Kmart spokesperson. It comes after the Prime Minister Anthony Albanese urged Aussies to only buy locally made goods. However Kmart’s move has ended up making an unintended statement…

SHOCK JOCKS: Triple M says its set to become dominant in breakfast radio after announcing a bizarre new on-air pairing. From next week Marty Sheargold and the notoriously controversial Andrew Tate will host a new breakfast show called ‘One For The Boys.’ “We are ready to energise the AM airwaves with an alpha infusion of unapologetic banter and no-holds-barred opinions.,” says a Triple M spokesperson. “Nothing jumpstarts your mornings like a dose of raw, unfiltered masculinity, even if that means ruffling some feathers along the way.” Marty Sheargold is already under fire after an enormous backlash to his misogynistic comments…

GAZA-LAGO: The question of who owns Gaza has been a complicated one for decades, but now the U.S President is claiming he’s settled the issue. President Donald Trump has proclaimed the long-disputed territory is now officially under U.S. control. “You can’t argue with a beach cabana,” says Trump. “And we’ve literally put up thousands of them all over this land, so I’m now officially in charge.” Trump is using the same logic as many Australians who argue that erecting a cabana allows you to lay claim to their favourite parts of the beach. Politicians around the world are expressing blunt…

TRUMP MALL: Sydney residents have been shocked by the U.S President’s controversial new plan to take control of the aging Bondi Junction outdoor mall. “We will completely level the entire area and start again,” says Donald Trump. “I don’t believe Sydney residents should have to go shopping in such harsh conditions.” The mall currently boasts a range of substandard retail outlets, including several off-brand discount stores. “I want to transform this area into a luxury shopping paradise, with tanning salons and golf stores,” says Trump. “And it definitely needs a McDonalds outlet or two.” “I want to make Bondi Junction…