Posts Tagged ‘Staying On’
#BREAKING: Trump’s removalists seen taking his tanning bed back into the White House
VICTORY GLOW: The final result U.S election is yet to be called, but with Donald Trump on track for a shock victory, his furniture removalists were spotted with his prize possession. “We are moving Donald’s personal tanning bed back into the White House,” one of the removalists told DBT. “He used it a short time ago at his Palm Beach resort, and he’s insistent we re-install it back into the White House asap.” “After that we have to move in Donald’s personal supply of Le Tan bronzer. It’s heavy work.” DBT is yet to confirm if Trump is going to have…
Read More“If we wanted to fly with politicians, we’d book economy!” Eastern suburbs residents outraged over PM’s Qantas upgrades
HIGH FLYERS: Residents of Sydney’s affluent east are up in arms over news the Prime Minister received complimentary upgrades on Qantas flights. The idea of sharing a cabin with a politician has sent shockwaves through the community, who fear their travel sanctuaries are being invaded by the very people they prefer to keep at arm’s length. “First, they meddle with our property investments, and now they’re encroaching on our business and first class cabins,” lamented one Double Bay man at Sydney airport today. “I mean, Anthony Albanese was a housing commission kid! It’s just not on!” Some frequent flyers are…
Read MoreRaygun applies to do a PhD in modelling after appearing on the front cover of Stellar Magazine
STUNNING AND BRAVE: Former break dancer Raygun has announced a career transition after appearing on the front cover of lifestyle and fashion title Stellar Magazine. After her controversial break dancing appearance at the Paris Olympics, the 37 year old from Hornsby has just applied to do a PhD in modelling at Macquarie University. “I’ve already been picked to appear as a model next year’s Victoria’s Secret show, as well Paris Fashion Week,” she told DBT. Critics say the selection processes might be rigged. “She didn’t even appear on Australia’s Next Top model, and now all of a sudden she’s on…
Read More#BREAKING: Visiting King Charles and Queen Camilla fail to get a table at Totti’s Bondi
NOT FIT FOR A KING: King Charles and Queen Camilla were unceremoniously turned away today from Totti’s Bondi, a popular Italian eatery on Bondi Road. “Sorry your Majesty, we are booked out till April 14 next year,” the door girl said. “It’s really difficult to get a table here, even for non-celebrities.” The Royals were visibly disturbed about the rejection. “Fuck this place,” Queen Camilla was overheard saying to her husband. “Let’s just go to the Corner House or something.” Royal commentators say the Totti’s snub will feature on news outlets all around the world, and will reflect badly on…
Read More#BREAKING: Kings Charles & Queen Camilla seen combing Westfield Bondi car park, after losing track of where they parked
ROYAL PAIN IN THE ARSE: Even royalty isn’t immune to the trials and tribulations of modern life. King Charles III and Queen Camilla were spotted meticulously combing through the multi-level car park of Westfield Bondi Junction after losing track of where their car was parked. The royal couple arrived in Sydney last night, and got up early this morning to go shopping. “I heard Westfield Bondi Junction was the place to go,” Queen Camilla told DBT. The Royals, with their driver and security, visited several stores within the centre, including Australian fashion retailer Kookai and Rebel Sport. It’s understood they…
Read More#BREAKING: PM appoints Nedd Brockmann as Federal Housing Minister after he raised $2.6 million to tackle homelessness
CABINET RESHUFFLE: A former electrician and ultramarathon runner from the NSW Central West is making a bold career transition into federal politics. Nedd Brockmann has just been appointed as the new Federal Housing Minister in a tear-jerking ceremony in Sydney. “Nedd has raised $2.6 million to combat homelessness by running 1,600 kilometres,” gushed the Prime Minister. “He’s raised more money for homelessness in 12 days than we’ve allocated in years.” Brockmann will replace the current Federal Housing Minister Clare O’Neil next month. “I never imagined I’d get into politics,” he told DBT. “Now finally I’ll be able to sit around…
Read MoreEastern suburbs residents now fearing for PM’s wellbeing, after learning he can only afford a house worth $4.3 million
HOUSING CRISIS: Residents of Sydney’s affluent eastern suburbs are in shock this morning, after learning the Prime Minister and his fiancee could only afford a house worth a mere $4.3 million. The news has left many locals questioning Anthony Albanese’s financial stability and overall wellbeing. “I really hope Albo is ok!” says one Bellevue man. “He’s the Prime Minister and he works so hard every day, surely he deserves a house worth at least $30- 35 million?” The PM’s new four bedroom, three level home sits on a clifftop on the Central Coast. “Wow, that place looks worse than my…
Read MoreColes now offering special deal on any of its toothpaste: ‘Buy 1 Pack, Pay for 3, Get 1 Free’
MATH AIN’T MATHIN: Shoppers at Coles supermarkets around the country today are being left confused and bewildered by a ‘special deal’ on any of its toothpaste. Coles is offering consumers the chance to ‘buy 1 pack, pay for 3 and get 1 free.’ The supermarket giant claims the deal will “redefine savings” for customers looking to brighten their smiles, though many are already grimacing at the offer. “Shoppers who really put their mind to it will realise this means they will pay for 3 packs, but only get 2 packs,” says consumer group Choice. “It’s a good deal, but only…
Read More“I support the social media ban for children, as my son is heavily addicted to TikTok,” says dad with raging $2k per week coke habit
WHAT’S YOUR POISON? A Bondi man who visits the bathroom several times per day without using the toilet is losing patience with his son’s social media usage. Peter Durak says his 12 year old son Adam is spending way too much time on his devices. “I wonder what it’s doing to his young brain,” says Peter. “It’s definitely affecting his sleep patterns. He’s got no sense of restraint.” The young father who spends upwards of $2000 a week on illicit drugs says he supports the PM’s proposal to ban children under the age of 14 from using social media. “I…
Read MoreInstagram and Facebook announce new feature allowing users to mute any content relating to Raygun
GIVE US A BREAK: She’s the viral sensation who sparked an endless flurry of memes after her Olympic breakdancing appearance in which she failed to score a point. And so far she’s barely even said a word about it. But tonight Rachael “Raygun” Gunn is set to appear on her first interview with Channel 10’s The Project, triggering new fears of yet another wave of memes. “That’s why we are giving users an option to mute any Raygun related content,” says a spokesperson for Meta, the company which owns Instagram and Facebook. “Our AI software can easily identify any photos, videos…
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