Posts Tagged ‘Staying On’
Local man trying to relax at home tonight torn between watching the Mardi Gras or the outbreak of WW3
LOVE, NOT WAR: A Sydney man has admitted he is “emotionally overwhelmed” tonight after being forced to choose between live coverage of the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras and what appears to be the early stages of World War III. Marcus Delaney had planned a quiet evening in his Surry Hills apartment with “some light parade content” before reports emerged that the United States and Israel had launched pre-emptive strikes on Iran. “I’d mentally prepared for glitter, not geopolitical escalation,” he told DBT. Delaney is currently flicking vigourously between the Mardi Gras and coverage out of Iran. “I just wanted one…
Read More“I lost my passport and was told a new one will take 10 weeks,” says Sydney woman now considering brief stint as ISIS bride to fast-track the paperwork
GOING TO EXTREMES: A Sydney woman has begun exploring “alternative pathways” to expedite her lost passport replacement after learning routine processing could take up to 10 weeks. Karen Millis misplaced her passport last Tuesday after returning from a hen’s weekend in Bali. She contacted the Department of Foreign Affairs the following morning and was told to expect a ten-week wait for a replacement. “But then I found out that certain internationally sensitive cases appear to move through the system faster,” she told DBT. “And I’ve got a family trip to Europe in three weeks!” Millis stressed she has no ideological…
Read More#BREAKING: Fitness First Kings Cross steps in to host Mardi Gras party in its steam room
SWEAT IT OUT: After the shock cancellation of this year’s Mardi Gras party, Fitness First Kings Cross has announced it’ll host an party in its steam room. “When one door closes another opens,” says a Fitness First spokesperson. “Our steam room can accomodate 10 people, so on February 28, we will operate on a one-in-one-out policy starting at 11pm.” A cover charge of $35 is being described by organisers as “the most affordable Mardi Gras party ticket in history.” Attendees are advised to BYO towel and water bottle and to respect the existing steam room etiquette. “I’m pumped,” says party-goer…
Read MoreICE agents now detaining random Minnesota residents to make them watch the new Melania documentary
SCREENING PROCESS: Federal immigration authorities have confirmed a new “temporary holding and cultural awareness initiative” that requires randomly selected Minnesota residents to watch the new Melania Trump documentary. “If they have U.S citizenship, they will be released after they sit through the entire 104-minute documentary,” says an ICE spokesperson. “Most people crack around the 47-minute mark.” The film follows the 20 days leading up to Donald Trump’s return to the White House in January last year. Local resident Jennifer Haaland was detained outside a Target in St. Paul yesterday. “I was just out getting groceries,” she said. “Next thing I…
Read MoreSydney man who missed his entire youth to lockout laws and Covid gets first taste of freedom with overpriced 3:30am vodka orange at the Kings Cross Hotel
COMEBACK KID: A Sydney man who spent his youth trapped between Covid restrictions and lockout laws has described his first legal 3:30am vodka orange as “absolutely life-changing.” “I genuinely thought people were exaggerating,” a widely grinning Joel Adair told DBT. “But this? Standing here at the Kings Cross Hotel at 3:30am, $16.50 vodka orange in hand, surrounded by people I will never see again? This is unreal.” The 25 year old Elizabeth Bay man’s formative years were derailed by Sydney’s lockout laws, followed shortly by a once-in-a-century pandemic. Witnesses say Joel Adair spent several minutes quietly nodding to himself, mouthing…
Read More“We’ve axed the lockout laws so people can buy drinks after 3.30am!” says Premier of state where you still can’t even buy decent coffee after 3.30pm
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS: Sydney has taken major steps to become a 24 hour city, with news that all of the city’s controversial lockout laws have now been repealed. This means venues in Kings Cross and Oxford Street can now serve alcohol past 3.30am. “Now we just have to find a way to get Sydney’s cafes to stay open past 3.30pm,” conceded NSW Premier Chris Minns. “One step at a time.” Caffeine-deprived Sydneysiders argue it’s significantly more important to be able to get a coffee after 3.30pm than to get an alcoholic drink after 3.30am. “Well you can always go to…
Read More“I think you might need a size up” set to be banned under Australia’s new hate speech laws
FASHION FAUX PAS: Retail workers across Australia will soon be prohibited from suggesting customers try a larger size, under sweeping new hate speech legislation. “Body-shaming language can be traumatic and divisive and that’s why we are intent on stamping it out,” the Prime Minister told reporters today. Major retailers are scrambling to implement new training protocols, with Myer introducing an “alternative sizing conversation framework” for staff. “Approved phrases include ‘let’s explore different fit options,’ or “let’s consider our range of styles.” Anthony Albanese is defending the laws, calling them “common sense protections for everyday Australians.” The legislation is expected to…
Read MoreCost pressures finally hit the eastern suburbs: Man spends entire opening weekend of Club Rose Bay playing pickleball, without buying any food or drinks
PEANUT: A Randwick man is being accused of monopolising the pickleball court for the opening weekend at Sydney’s newest place to be seen, Club Rose Bay. According to witnesses, 34-year-old Daniel Frame-Tanner played pickleball for 16.5 hours over two days, fuelled by nothing except tap water and free peanuts from the RSL section. “He didn’t spend one cent the whole time,” says one witness. And I saw him take some food off someone’s plate which was left unattended.” Security footage shows Frame-Tanner arriving both Saturday and yesterday at opening time, claiming the court immediately, and refusing to yield even when…
Read MoreABC journalist Laura Tingle claims the mess left behind at Coogee Beach yesterday ‘had nothing to do with backpackers’
BLAME GAME: As a big clean up continues at Coogee Beach today, veteran ABC journalist Laura Tingle has made the controversial assertion that the mess left behind ‘had nothing to do with backpackers.’ It comes only days after Tingle claimed the terror attack at Bondi ‘had nothing to do with religion.’ Speaking on ABC Radio today, Tingle acknowledged the thousands of rowdy and alcohol fuelled backpackers descending on Coogee Beach yesterday to celebrate Christmas. But also said: “The mess would have happened regardless.” Meantime police and council workers have reportedly been instructed to refrain from using the word “backpackers” in…
Read MoreCranbrook School hires entire SCG members area for former & current students to watch alumnus Sam Konstas bat
ESSE QUAM VIDERI: In a display of private school exuberance, Cranbrook has secured exclusive access to the SCG members area for the 2nd day of the 5th test against India. “We’re encouraging current and former students to come along and witness the batting prowess of our alumnus Sam Konstas,” says the school principal. It’s the first time the SCG members pavilion has been rented out privately. “Let’s just say it wasn’t cheap,” says the principal. “But we’re investing in our sense of community and tradition.” Regular SCG members won’t be allowed into the members area for the day, unless they…
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