Posts Tagged ‘Covid Theme + Already run’
Traffic, Crowds & Bad Weather: Calls For ‘Freedom Day’ To Be Renamed ‘Punishment Day’
PUNISHMENT DAY: Residents of Greater Sydney have woken to a shocking new report, showing that Freedom Day is the worst possible day to go out. “Traffic gridlock has immediately surpassed pre-lockdown levels, as every single person heads out at the same time,” says Matt Henley from consumer group Choice. “It’s like the Boxing Day sales out there today.” As Sydney suddenly emerges from four months of lockdown, the city is back under heavy strain, as locals go back to work, the shops, the gym, or the pub. “This is not what I call freedom,” says one man who has been…
Read More“I’m Dying For A Beer At The Pub Today,” Says Man Who’s Been Drunk At Home For The Last 4 Months
THIRSTY WORK: A Sydney man who’s spent 95% of lockdown drinking at home says he can’t wait to go to the pub today for a Freedom Day beer. “That very first sip is going to taste so good,” says Mark Radcliffe. The 33 year old alcoholic says it’ll be handy to have a genuine reason to start drinking “properly” again. “I can’t believe how long we’ve been denied a drink at the pub!?” he says. “Drinking at home alone or with friends on Zoom calls is fun and convenient, but it doesn’t really count.” Mark Radcliffe plans to head to…
Read MoreQLD Premier Slowly Realising That Being A Power Tripping Bully Doesn’t Necessarily Stop Covid
The Queensland Premier is reportedly trying to come to terms with the harsh reality that draconian border closures and a bad attitude won’t necessarily stop Covid. “Damn, I was pretty sure that locking up the state and tearing families apart would allow me realise my dream of covid zero for Queensland,” says Anastacia Palaszczuk. But the virus, which continues to spread like wildfire around the world, has other ideas. Queensland has been rocked by the emergence of four new locally acquired cases. “Damn this whole covid thing is actually pretty unpredictable,” Ms Palaszczuk admitted to DBT. “Maybe I shouldn’t have…
Read MoreQLD Premier To Reopen Border With NSW After Matching With A Sydney Man On Tinder
Travel between NSW and Queensland is back on the cards after Anastasia Palaszczuk announced the reopening of the border as soon as the NSW lockdown comes to an end. “My decision today will give vaccinated NSW residents plenty of time to join family and friends in Queensland for the Christmas holiday period,” says the Queensland Premier. NSW’s lockdown is expected to end on October 11, when 70% of the adult population is double dosed. But Ms Palaszczuk acknowledges there is another big factor contributing to her decision. “I met a really nice Sydney guy called Dave on Tinder,” she says.…
Read MoreSOCIAL DISTANCING: Picnic Goers Use ‘5 Person Rule’ To Exclude 6th Friend They Find Annoying
CUNNING PLAN: A Sydney woman has found herself feeling lonely and isolated after being rejected by five of her closest friends during lockdown today. “They told me I couldn’t join them for a picnic at Rushcutters Bay park because of the social distancing rules limiting groups to five,” Diane Frederick told DBT. “I get it, but to be honest, I thought maybe they just didn’t want me there.” To distract herself from the overwhelming sense of rejection, Ms Frederick went for a walk at Rushcutters Bay, to hopefully spot her friends and spy on them from a distance. “When I…
Read More“Lockdown Is Equally Tough For Everyone,” Says Retired 37 Year Old Vaucluse Trust Fund Recipient
A local stay at home trust fund recipient is urging the state government to end the lockdowns immediately. “The current public health orders are still way too heavy handed,” says Derek McCabe, while frolicking around his swimming pool at home. “I can’t even play golf at the course I’m a member at because of the 5km rule.” McCabe ended his highly paid finance career 3 years ago after inheriting millions through a family trust fund. He and his wife own their 5-bedroom Vaucluse home and have four investment properties. “It can get boring just sitting here by my pool all…
Read MoreNEW FREEDOM: Escort Agencies Now Able To Offer Click & Collect
PENT UP DEMAND: The state government is throwing the escort industry a much needed lifeline, announcing that agencies will be able to offer Click & Collect from Tuesday. “With clients making their selections and paying online, we can reduce the amount of human contact,” says NSW Health Minister Brad Hazzard. “We realise there is still contact, but it’ll be significantly decreased.” The new Click & Collect option will be closely monitored by NSW Health covid safety marshals, who will be working inside the escort agencies. “After arriving at the agency, the client will be temperature checked, then led to a…
Read MoreUniversity Of New South Wales To Begin Offering ‘Bachelor Of Covid Restrictions’
MORE EXPERTS: The University of NSW will become the world’s first tertiary institution to offer classes on Covid restrictions. “Our Bachelor of Covid Restrictions Degree is a new and exciting field of study,” says UNSW Dean Of Epidemiology Mark Ernest. “It draws on both medical and legal aspects of public health orders.” Students hoping to apply to the three year degree will need a minimum ATAR of 98.45. “This course is for the best and brightest minds, in fact many of the students are already experts before it starts,” says Mark Ernest. Classes will commence next month, initially via remote…
Read MoreSydney Introvert Feeling Increasingly Anxious About Easing Lockdown Restrictions
A local introvert is calling on the NSW Premier to implement a conservative approach in re-opening NSW. “I’d be keen to stay in isolation to be honest,” says Peter Kremer. “The lack of social activity over the past few months has been excellent for my mental health.” But with restrictions beginning to ease, the 29 year old has begun feeling increasingly anxious. “The changes that came into effect today mean I could easily find myself at a picnic of up to five people,” he says. “But I’ve completely forgotten how to socialise. Imagine if someone tried to shake my hand…
Read More5km Rule: Lidcombe Man Swaps His WRX For A Mazda So He Can Drive To Bondi Without Getting Stopped By Police
ULTIMATE SACRIFICE: With summer fast approaching, Sydneysiders are have begun flocking to the beaches. Lidcombe’s Michael Kone typically makes the 25k drive all the way to Bondi Beach, but this year the 5km rule is making that difficult. “I’ve tried driving to Bondi a few times lately, but as soon as I hit the eastern suburbs, I always get pulled over by police because I drive a hotted up Subaru WRX,” says Riley. “I stand out like dogs balls.” So the enterprising 29 year old has traded in his WRX for a factory settings Mazda, to allow him to go…
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