Posts by DBT
Double Bay Woolworths Named Time Out Magazine’s Best Place To Socialise 2021
ESSENTIAL SHOPPING: Time Out Sydney magazine has named Woolworths in Double Bay as the best place to socialise in 2021. “It’s been very busy,” says Time Out editor Dan Hoyle. “People are arranging to meet friends at there, or going alone in the hope of bumping into people they know, ” The pandemic has had a big impact on Time Out’s ‘Best Place To Socialise’ list, with all bars and clubs currently closed. “But honestly Double Bay Woollies has a really cool vibe going at the moment, and it’s right next to a Dan Murphy’s store,” says Time Out’s Dan…
Read MoreAnti-vaxx Influencer Finally Succumbs To The Jab After Realising It’s A Good Excuse For A Selfie
CHANGE OF HEART: A Melbourne woman’s stance on vaccinations is determined completely by how much attention it can get her, it’s been revealed. “I used to preach the whole anti-vaxx thing when it was more popular a few years ago, especially when I was up in Byron,” says Ruby Marsh. “But now I support vaccinations after realising how many likes vaccine selfies can get on Instagram.” Ms Marsh finally took the plunge and got her second jab yesterday, but not because she’s concerns about covid. “No it was just an unmissable opportunity to post a ‘fully vaccinated’ selfie,” she admitted…
Read MoreAnti-Lockdown Protestor Torn, As Today’s Planned ‘Freedom March’ Clashes With Bikie Meeting
A local anti-vaxxer and freedom fighter had a rude awakening this morning after realising he’s double booked himself for today’s anti-lockdown protest, and a Rebels bikie meeting. “What a fuck up, I always over commit myself,” Steve Triggs reluctantly told DBT after checking his iPhone calendar. “I really can’t afford to miss either event.” The 29 year old figured prominently in the last ant-lockdown protest, being featured on multiple news outlets being violent with police. “I’m really getting into this political protest stuff,” he says. “It’s a good way to connect with likeminded people.” But he also says he’s on…
Read MoreCentrelink Overwhelmed With Influencers After OnlyFans Banned Porn
DISASTER RELIEF: Long, winding queues are quickly forming outside Centrelink offices around the country today, after OnlyFans announced a plan to ban “sexually explicit” content. “I’ll be destitute,” one local influencer told DBT. “Selling my porn photos and videos is literally my only source of income.” The federal government is offering a one-off $1,200 ‘Job Keeper’ payment to anyone who has lost income resulting from the OnlyFans porn ban. “This disaster relief payment will help ensure these people don’t slip below the poverty line,” says PM Scott Morrison. “We are stepping in to help get their lives back on track.”…
Read More#BREAKING: Netflix Secures Exclusive Broadcast Rights To NSW Premier’s 11am Press Conference
NETFLIX & CHILL: People hoping to tune in to the NSW Premier’s daily Covid update will need to be watching Netflix from Monday. The streaming giant has secured exclusive rights to the live 11am briefing, which has become must-watch TV as covid case numbers hit more than 600 a day. “It’s the best rating daytime TV we’ve seen in years,” says Netflix boss Mike Deeves. “However we’re actually thinking of shifting the press conference to 8pm AEST to attract even bigger audiences.” The free to air networks say they’re launching a formal complaint to the Australian Competition & Consumer Commission.…
Read MoreUS Celebrities Release Video Urging The Taliban To Give Up Control Of Afghanistan
CHARM OFFENSIVE: The international military operation in Afghanistan might have failed to install democracy into the war torn country, but now the fight is being taken up by a group of US celebrities. Several of Hollywood’s biggest names have released an 18 minute video on Twitter, urging the Taliban to relinquish control of the country. “Please Taliban, lay down your arms,” says Justin Bieber. “Terrorism achieves nothing except death and destruction. Do what you know deep down is the right thing to do.” The decision to pull U.S. troops out of Afghanistan was part of an agreement former President Donald…
Read MoreNew 5km Rule Gives Bondi Man Perfect Excuse To Avoid Meeting A Friend In Glebe
BONDI BUBBLE: A Bondi man is having a guilt-free Sunday despite cancelling a planned walk with a friend today in Glebe. Max Gilder texted his friend this morning saying he won’t be able to join him because of the new 5km rule. “Sorry bud, but your place is 9.1km’s away,” he wrote in the SMS. “But let’s hopefully go for a walk soon once things open up a bit.” However Max Gilder has admitted to DBT that he’s relieved about not having to leave Bondi. “Glebe is basically the western suburbs,” he told DBT. “I literally couldn’t be bothered.” The…
Read MoreRushcutters Bay Yacht Owner Relieved He Can Still Go To Mosman For Coffee, Under New 5k Rule
The new 5 kilometre movement rule announced today by the state government initially sent shock waves through a Rushcutters Bay man. The new rule prevents him from driving the 9.7 kilometres from his home to his favourite cafe in Mosman. “But then I realised I can just sail there and it’s only 4.73k’s,” he says. “I’m so relieved.” The investment banker says his wife wont settle for any other cafe. “Yeah apparently they import their coffee beans directly from Ecuador,” he says. “Normally I drive here there, hahaha.” The new rule came into effect for Sydneysiders today at 5pm. “Luckily…
Read MoreCanberra Residents Coping Easily With Lockdown, As Boredom Levels Remain Unchanged
After their first full day of lockdown, ACT residents say they’re coping relatively well. Manuka’s Chris Williams says the transition has been simple. “I’ve actually been able to pivot easily into lockdown mode, without noticing any real difference to my regular life.” The 29 year old says Canberra’s limited lifestyle options means all he ever does is stay home and watch TV or surf the internet. “A decade or so ago I used to go to Fyshwick to buy porn, but now with the internet I don’t even have to do that.” And he’s not alone. Another Canberra local told…
Read More‘I Miss Our Regular Chiswick Lunches:’ An Eastern Suburbs Woman Shares Her Covid Heartbreak
A brave Paddington woman has opened up about how covid is destroying her livelihood. “I’ve had the Chiswick lamb home delivered a few times during lockdown, but it’s just not the same as being there,” says Tiffany Harrington. The 27 year old is calling on the state government to allow the popular eastern suburbs restaurant to re-open. “All of our regular Friday long lunch Chiswick crew have been vaccinated,” she says. “Chiswick should be allowed to re-open to those who’ve had the jab.” She says the ongoing restaurant closures are having a devastating effect on her mental health. “I really…
Read More