Sydney Man Calls The SES After Forgetting To Take His Umbrella On A Walk In Hyde Park

DISASTER RELIEF: A Darlinghurst man is calling for urgent help from the State Emergency Service (SES) as rain continues to batter the state. Tom Hooper went for a walk through Hyde Park in Sydney’s CBD this afternoon, but was caught completely unprepared without an umbrella. “Quick, someone bring me a brolly and a rain jacket quickly,” he told the SES. “Either that, or send a helicopter immediately to winch me to safety.” The SES call centre operator urged Mr Hooper to try to remain calm. However she was also quick to remind him that almost all the state’s SES volunteers…

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Influencer To Donate $100 To Flood Victims, For Every 1k New Instagram Followers She Receives

HERE TO HELP: A Sydney influencer is attempting to raise money for Queensland flood victims in exchange for new Instagram followers. Amber Forster says she was struck by the intensity of the floods crisis while watching a TV news update that came on during MAFS. “I want to do what I can to help,” the 25 year old wellness influencer told DBT from the comfort of her dry living room in Sydney’s east. “We all need to do our part.” This evening Ms Forster posted a photo of herself, with a long caption explaining the terms and conditions of her…

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“I Can’t Believe A Litre Of Petrol Now Costs $2!” Says Man Who Often Pays $200 For A Litre Of Vodka

PAIN AT THE BOWSER: A Point Piper trust fund recipient is today taking aim at fuel wholesalers and retailers, accusing them of price gouging as tensions rise in Europe. “How is a single litre of petrol worth $2!? asks Michael Holland. “Motorists are being fleeced.” And analysts say petrol prices could go as high as $2.10 a litre next month as Russia’s invasion of Ukraine increases the price of oil. “But I reckon the service stations are taking the piss,” the 31 year old told DBT. His criticism comes despite admitting to regularly spending more than $200 on a litre…

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“Young People Get So Easily Offended These Days,” Says Boomer Offended By Grace Tame

OFF POINT: A Sydney boomer has taken exception with Grace Tame’s National Press Club address yesterday. “Honestly I’m getting so sick of this girl,” Paul Partridge shouted at his TV. “She’s not Australian of The Year anymore. It’s time she shut up.” In her speech, Grace Tame claimed she was called by a senior staffer of a government-funded organisation, urging her not to criticise the PM. “Oh please! This young girl is just a puppet for Labor at this point,” claims Paul Partridge. “And she reminds me of that bloody Greta Thunberg.” The 71 year old says young people get…

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SUPERMARKET FOOD SHORTAGE: Artisan Bread Enthusiast Forced To Settle For Abbott’s Sourdough Rye

ULTIMATE SACRIFICE: A local artisan bread devotee has felt first-hand the devastating impact of staff shortages which continue to disrupt food supplies to major supermarkets. “I’ve read news stories about supply chain issues affecting some grocery items, but I never thought it would affect me personally,” says James Bray. This morning the 31 year old advertising creative found widespread shortages in Coles’ bakery section, forcing him to visit the aisle containing mass-produced bread varieties. He ended up settling on a pre-sliced, pre-packaged loaf of ‘Abbott’s Sourdough Rye’ bread for $3.80. “I’ve never heard of this bread,” he told DBT. “Normally…

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PM Watching Hollywood Classic ‘What Women Want’ For Much Needed Advice

SEX APPEAL: The Prime Minister is spending his Friday night in damage control. After a failed attempt to appeal to women by washing a stranger’s hair at a Melbourne salon today, Scott Morrison is tonight holed up in his lounge room watching a Hollywood classic. “My empathy coach highly recommended the Mel Gibson and Helen Hunt movie ‘What Women Want,” he says. “But to be honest, it sounds like a load of bullshit to me.” However the PM has been left with little choice. Scott Morrison stands accused of not caring about what women want, after a steady stream of…

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CRYPTO CRASH: Bitcoin Heavyweight Forced Back To Old Job Selling Real Estate & MDMA

ALL TIME LOW: Continuing heavy falls in cryptocurrency prices has led one Sydney man to return to his previous employment as a real estate agent and MDMA dealer. “It’s a great time to buy,” Nathan Bloom told DBT. “The property market is holding up extremely well despite the pandemic, and demand for recreational drugs is peaking as we head into the summer holidays.” The entrepreneurial 29 year old is trying to stay positive, but he’s been left reeling today after Bitcoin fell to its lowest levels in months. “I’ve got most of my crypto portfolio locked up in Bitcoin,” Bloom…

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Abbie Chatfield Admits To Intentionally Swimming In Dangerous Rips, Just To Get On ‘Bondi Rescue’

CAREER RESCUE: Controversial reality TV star Abbie Chatfield has come clean on her high-risk strategy to ensure she continues to appear on Australian television. “I’ve been swimming into heavy surf and dangerous rips at North Bondi when the Bondi Rescue team are there filming,” she says. “Then I just yell ‘help,’ raise my hand and hope they come out to get me with their cameras rolling.” It’s understood lifeguards from the ‘Bondi Rescue’ TV show have had to save Ms Chatfield on two seperate occasions so far this summer. “It’s worth the risk,” says the 26 year old. “They film…

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Local woman begins painful recovery from 4-Day Easter bender

FIRST STEPS: The last four days have taken a huge toll on 24 year old Amy Shannon. She’s begun her long and painful recovery from 100 consecutive hours of treating her body like an amusement park. “So far Amy is progressing well,” says her rehab therapist Ivan Brasic. “But it’s still very early days.” Ms Shannon emailed her bosses late last night to say she won’t be working today. Instead she’s checked into a rehab facility in north west Sydney. “Amy did manage to get 4 hours sleep last night after being munted for almost 4 days straight,” says Ivan…

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“I Won $600 On The Everest!” Says Man Who Lost $23,400 For The Day

#WINNING: A Sydney man has intentionally misled his Instagram followers by trying to suggest that he made money on The Everest at Randwick today. Nigel Dolton posted a photo of himself celebrating in a waistcoat shortly after winning $600 on Nature Strip. “Winner winner, chicken dinner! Go Nature Strip you good thing. Easiest $600 I’ve ever made,” he wrote in a caption alongside the photo. But an investigation by DBT has found the 46 year old investment banker actually lost $23,400 for the day. “He was giving everyone high fives all day, even though he was bleeding cash heavily,” says one…

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