Posts Tagged ‘Theme’
COST OF LIVING CRISIS: Anthony Albanese now driving an Uber on weekends
SIDE HUSTLE: Australia’s Prime Minister has been moonlighting as an Uber driver on weekends amidst the ongoing cost of living crisis. A startled passenger recognised the Labor Party leader yesterday and promptly shared details of their encounter with DBT. “I’m actually also the Prime Minister of Australia,” he reportedly told the passenger who asked how long he’d been driving an Uber. “But to be honest, I’m struggling to make ends meet.” It comes despite the PM taking home more than $500k a year and having the keys to two official residences. It remains unclear if the 2021 Nissan Maxima that…
Read MoreSYDNEY RENTAL CRISIS: Long Bay jail now offering rooms for $450 per week
EASY CELL: Sydney’s ongoing rental crisis has taken an unexpected turn, as Long Bay Correctional Centre begins renting out cells for a mere $450 per week. With rental prices skyrocketing, the prison is taking advantage of the demand, turning itself into a makeshift apartment complex for those desperate to find a place to live. “These rooms have excellent security and are situated only 14 kilometres from Sydney’s CBD,” says prison management. “Plus we’re offering three meals a day and a state of the art gym at no extra charge.” Long Bay officials say the new offering is strictly for non-criminal…
Read MoreAustralia’s peak science body demands the Nine Network stop calling MAFS an ‘experiment’
LAB RATS: Australia’s peak science body issued an ultimatum to the Nine Network. The CSIRO is demanding Nine stop referring to its toxic reality TV show, Married at First Sight as an ‘experiment.’ “We believe this is a misleading and deceptive way to describe the show,” says a CSIRO spokesperson. “There is no science involved, and certainly no experiment. It’s more like straight up torture, for both the cast members and the audience.” MAFS claims to involve matching strangers based on complex compatibility assessments conducted by relationship experts, who say the word ‘experiment’ every few seconds. But in reality its…
Read MoreLow voter turnout in Sydney for state election, amid heavy traffic and fuck all parking
ROAD BLOCK TO DEMOCRACY: Heavy traffic and a desperate lack of parking options in Sydney thanks to the city’s chronic over development, is threatening to derail today’s state elections. Sydney’s gridlock and sub-standard public transport system has meant that by 10.30am today, only 0.45% of Sydney’s population had managed to cast their vote. “We are well behind schedule at this stage,” says election official Chris Gammat. “A lot of commuters are simply giving up. They’re turning around and going home. Or they’re not leaving home in the first place.” And they’ll have to pay a $55 fine for not voting.…
Read MoreRELIEF: Fresh barrage of reality TV prevents local woman from thinking about her own meaningless life
IDIOT BOX: A local woman has once again taken the bait set by the major commercial television networks. With TV ratings season back in full swing, Sydney’s Jamie Pulver has gone into hiding under a soothing blanket of countless hours of reality TV. “Thankfully with MAFS, Australian Idol and Survivor all starting again, I can continue using this mindless content to distract myself from my own meaningless life,” she admits. “The timing is perfect, as I’ve just finished watching the Bachelors.” The 24 year old says she’ll be spending the next three months, focusing entirely on the lives of people…
Read MoreInstagram now allowing users to mute all content relating to Harry & Meghan
GIVE US A BREAK: Social media platform Instagram has responded to growing demand from users to introduce a mute option for any content relating to Harry and Meghan. “Our AI software can easily identify any photos videos or text about the Sussexes, so you don’t have to see any of it if you don’t want to,” says a statement from Instagram. The new feature comes despite mainstream media continuing to treat Harry and Meghan as front page news, even though nobody cares about them. “I don’t have anything against them, but I just literally don’t give a flying fuck about…
Read More‘Take me to where White Lotus was filmed, or we’re over,’ says Vaucluse woman to her boyfriend of 3 weeks
HIGH MAINTENANCE: A Vaucluse woman has been applying some heavy pressure on her new boyfriend today, after the pair watched The White Lotus finale. Even though they’ve only been an item for 3 weeks, she’s demanding a trip to the Sicilian resort where HBO’s hit dark comedy was filmed. “OMG I love that resort, take me there now!” Renee Connelly told her new beau Jake. “We never do anything fun!” The resort called ‘San Domenico Palace’ has reportedly seen a spike in traffic to its website since the release of White Lotus season 2. “Can we go for a swim…
Read More‘Check out how hot I’d be if I looked completely different’ says man posting AI selfie
DEEP FAKE: An average looking man has staged a dramatic overhaul thanks to a complex AI image generation tool. Richard Lawson has joined the flood of social media users posting highly flattering anime-inspired photos created by the image editing app Lensa. “Fuck I look so good as an astronaut,” he told DBT. “All of a sudden I’m the splitting image of Ryan Gosling. How good!” Richard Lawson’s Instagram post featuring a carousel of 5 of his favorite Lensa images has so far only attracted 6 likes after three hours. “I might have been a bit slow onto the Lensa bandwagon,”…
Read MoreCrypto Crash Forces Bitcoin Heavyweight Back To His Old Job Selling Real Estate And MDMA
ALL TIME LOW: Continuing heavy falls in crypto prices has led one Sydney man back to his previous employment as a real estate agent. “I’m also selling MDMA as a side hustle.” Nathan Bloom told DBT. “It’s a great time to buy.” “The property market is holding up relatively well despite the expected recession, and demand for recreational drugs is peaking as we head into the summer holidays.” The entrepreneurial 29 year old has been left reeling as Bitcoin prices continue to fall lower than most people had ever expected. But he’s trying to stay positive and hasn’t ruled out…
Read MoreWaverley Council Launch Crisis Helpline For Drivers Who Fail To Find Parking At Bondi Beach
ROAD RAGE: Waverley council says it noticed a spike in road rage incidents around Bondi today, as virtually every muppet in Sydney headed to the beach. “That’s why we’ve launched a new crisis helpline, to support those who’ve spent hours looking for parking,” says Waverley Mayor Simon Pasalis. “These people need our help.” One caller told a helpline counsellor today that he looked for parking in Dover Heights, before being forced to give up and go back home to Bankstown. “The process of looking for parking and failing can be very demoralising,” says Simon Pasalis. “Even if drivers do eventually…
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