Posts Tagged ‘Theme’
Geoscience Australia confirms today’s south-west Sydney tremor was not an earthquake, just another Commodore doing a burnout
DONUTS: Geoscience Australia has ruled out an earthquake as the cause of today’s tremor in south-west Sydney. Residents around Appin reported windows rattling and homes shaking shortly after 1pm. “Initial readings suggested a shallow 3.4-magnitude earthquake,” said a spokesperson. “But then we heard the exhaust note and discovered two circular fault lines in a nearby car park.” Scientists have traced the epicentre to a grey 2007 Commodore with mismatched panels and two rapidly deteriorating rear tyres. Residents have been warned that aftershocks remain possible, particularly if the driver’s mates convince him to “go again.”
Read MoreClover Moore announces plan to turn half the SCG into a dog park following Moore Park Golf Course carve-up
MORE PARK: After reclaiming 20 hectares of Moore Park Golf Course for public green space, the Sydney Lord Mayor has now set her sights on the Sydney Cricket Ground. Clover Moore wants to convert half of the SCG into a sprawling new off-leash dog park. Under the plan, half the stadium, including the members’ stand, will be replaced with trees, walking tracks and several water stations. “Dogs living the Moore Park area have been overlooked for so long,” says Clover Moore. “Sure people love watching sport at the SCG, we also need green space for our pets to run around.” But…
Read MoreDarling Point family agrees to sell $55 million mansion in exchange for rare Flocked Bullseye Ooshie from Woolworths
HOT PROPERTY: A Darling Point family is celebrating today after securing one of Woolworths’ rare Flocked Bullseye Ooshies. The Jenson-Wright family sold their $55 million five-bedroom Darling Point home in exchange for the highly sought-after Ooshie. “What a deal!” said Peter, the father. “My daughter is over the moon.” With a pool, tennis court and uninterrupted harbour views, the family had lived in the mansion for the past 11 years and had no plans to sell. “We can always buy another house, but you just never know when another Flocked Bullseye is going to come up.”
Read MoreConcerns raised for eastern suburbs real estate agent spotted suit shopping at Lowes as property market cools
LOWE POINT: Friends and colleagues of prominent realtor, Sebastian Sterling-Small are staging an emergency intervention today after he was spotted browsing the suit section at Lowes Menswear. Witnesses say the Double Bay agent, normally seen wearing Italian suits worth several thousand dollars, spent almost 20 minutes comparing two pairs of $39 business pants before asking whether either came with free alterations. The sighting comes as Sydney house prices fell 3.3% in the June quarter, according to Domain, the city’s first quarterly decline in three-and-a-half years. “It’s just a temporary market correction,” he insisted, while looking at polyester blazers worth $50. Colleagues…
Read MoreAustralian media still severely overestimating how much people care about who hosts the Today show
OLD MEDIA: Australia’s major news outlets have entered their third straight week of assuming the public is emotionally invested in who hosts the Today show. Editors around the country have agreed wars, economic turmoil and international diplomacy are “unlikely to generate as many clicks”. “We looked at inflation and the housing situation, and honestly, none of it compares to the urgency of this,” said one editor. Journalists hired to cover politics, courts and health have been reassigned to monitor rumour threads and interpret the body language of former Sunrise employees at cafes. A leaked Daily Telegraph internal memo reportedly instructed…
Read MoreTelstra unveils outage compensation: 3MB of data, all you have to do is complete a 47-page claim form
TOKEN GESTURE: Telstra has announced a generous compensation package for customers affected by last week’s nationwide outage. Eligible customers will receive 3MB of data after completing a 47-page online claim form, providing four forms of ID, proof of outage-related hardship and three character references. Telstra clarified that the 3MB, once approved, would be delivered within 90 business days. “This is a genuine gesture of goodwill,” a spokesperson told DBT in a phone interview. “We take reliability and connectivity extremely seriously,” they added, before the call dropped. At time of publication, the online claim portal crashed due to high demand.
Read MorePotts Point finance bro forced to dump Mosman girlfriend after latest rise in Harbour Bridge and tunnel tolls
TAKING A TOLL: A promising five-year relationship has come to an abrupt end after the state government raised tolls for the Sydney Harbour Bridge and Tunnel for the third time in as many years. “I’m really sorry babe, it’s not you, it’s me,” Mark Highgate-Johns told his girlfriend as she sobbed in the front seat of his BMW X5. Drivers now pay $4.55 to cross the Harbour during peak times, up 13% since the Minns government took office. “At first I thought we could make it work, but I’ve crunched the numbers and the upside no longer justifies the recurring…
Read MoreTrump calls Austrian President to wish him luck ahead of USA’s World Cup clash tomorrow against Australia
MISTAKEN IDENTITY: The White House has today apologised to the Austrian President for a stray phone call from Donald Trump. “Sorry, the US President very excited for tomorrow morning’s game vs Australia and he got a bit ahead of himself,” a White House spokesperson told Austrian President Alex Van der Bellen. Earlier, during the stray call which lasted 11 minutes, Trump said: “I’ve always had a fantastic relationship with Austria. Beautiful beaches.” “In fact nobody knows Austria better than me. I’ve been to Sydney many times.”
Read More#BREAKING: Prince Harry and Meghan’s visit to Bondi Beach abandoned after they were unable to find a parking spot
WIPE OUT: The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have fallen victim to the logistical nightmares of visiting Bondi Beach. They unable to find a parking spot this afternoon, despite circling the area for almost two hours. “Fuck this, I’m going back to the hotel,” Prince Harry told DBT. “We still have to go to the football tonight.” Onlookers saw the couple driving up and down Campbell Parade and surrounding streets, peering at signs, double-checking parking apps, and even attempting to park in a motorcycle spot before finally giving up. Meghan Markle told DBT they’ll try to visit Bondi again tomorrow.…
Read MoreDouble Bay woman tries posting the ‘Mum what were you like in the 90’s’ trend, but nobody notices any difference
FOREVER YOUNG: A local woman who joined the viral “Mum, what were you like in the 90s?” trend, has been left disappointed after followers failed to detect any visible difference between her throwback photos and her current face. In her video, Venetia Hargreaves-Lowe, 54, included a series of still images of her from the 90’s, hoping to showcase a natural, graceful evolution over the decades. But commenters insisted she looked “basically identical” and, in several cases, “slightly younger now.” Ms Hargreaves-Lowe denies undergoing extensive cosmetic procedures, insisting she has merely “looked after herself,” and drunk lots of water. Venetia’s husband,…
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