Posts Tagged ‘Theme’
Local stoner using Olympics as perfect excuse to sit on the couch and do sweet fuck all for 2.5 weeks
GEARED UP: A Sydney man has begun today feeling very crusty after waking up at 3am to watch the Olympics opening ceremony. Mark Stanwell says he’s dedicating the next two weeks to doing nothing but cheer on Aussie athletes he’s never heard of, in sports he didn’t know existed. “I think it’s important that everyone does their bit,” he says. “It’s about national pride.” With the games set to run till August 11, the local stoner is very well geared up for all the action. And he remains undeterred by any criticism of his plans. “Some people might say I’m…
Read MoreBondi man cancels Mykonos trip at the last minute to risk life and limb swimming with sharks off Brazil
CHOPPY WATERS: A Bondi man who was planning a trip to the Greek Island of Mykonos has had a last minute change of heart after hearing about the cocaine filled waters off the coast of Brazil. “I landed in Rio De Janeiro last night and went for my first swim this morning,” Jean-Paul Maxon told DBT. The 34 year old crypto trader says he took several large gulps of the sea water in a bid to ingest as much cocaine as possible. “I’m absolutely off my chops right now,” he says. “I wasn’t thinking about the sharks at all!” It…
Read MoreSydney man who’s never played contact sport now referring to the NSW Blues as “we”
ARMCHAIR ATHLETE: In a shocking turn of events, local man Max Rader has elevated his status from casual observer to fully-fledged team member of the NSW Blues, despite having never played a contact sport in his life. “We absolutely smashed them last night,” says Max Rader, while dressed head to toe in Blues merchandise. “How good is Origin football?” Rader, a 34-year-old accountant from Dover Heights, was overheard at his local café passionately discussing the team’s strategy, injuries, and future prospects as if he had personally contributed to every try and tackle. That’s despite him only playing tennis and chess…
Read More“It’s coming home!” sings pommy bloke who’s been living in Bondi for the last 31 years & hasn’t been ‘home’ once
FAIR-WEATHER FAN: A Bondi man has spent a large part of this morning loudly proclaiming “It’s coming home!” despite not having set foot in the UK for over three decades. Born in Manchester, Nigel Tanner has lived in Bondi for the last 31 years, and he’s never returned home even once. His sudden interest in the English soccer team comes after it beat the Netherlands in the European Championship this morning. “I’ve been singing ‘It’s coming home’ since 6am today,” he told DBT. “It’s been so much fun annoying all my neighbours and colleagues!” But friends of the 37 year…
Read MoreDouble Bay trust fund recipients celebrate public holiday, despite not having jobs
ALL PLAY, NO WORK: A group of Sydney trust fund recipients are having a party to mark the King’s birthday. However DBT can reveal none of them have had jobs, apart from a few days work experience at their parents’ large multinational corporations. The party goers have gathered today on the penthouse rooftop of a Double Bay apartment building. “OMG, it’s so good to have the day off,” said Lara Chambers-Winter, who was out partying hard for the entire weekend. “And, we’ll probably do the same thing again tomorrow.” “We’ve been drinking French champagne and Aperol Spritz while chatting about…
Read MoreWinner of record $150 million Powerball celebrates by spending it all on two hours of parking at Sydney Airport
PARKING SPLURGE: The winner of the largest ever single-person lottery win in the country’s history, will most likely be remembered for how they spent it. Graham Rundle has celebrated his $150 million windfall by spending the entire sum on two hours of parking at Sydney Airport. “After being announced as the winner I started dreaming about all the things I could do with the money,” he told DBT. “I could buy a huge mansion, or travel the world, but then it hit me—why not go for something truly extravagant?” So he drove to the P7 car park at Sydney airport’s…
Read MoreEastern suburbs coke enthusiast says $300 federal budget rebate doesn’t quite go far enough
BUDGET BLUES: In a startling display of financial frivolity, a Potts Point man is voicing his dissatisfaction with the federal government’s $300 budget rebate, saying it simply doesn’t stretch far enough to support his lifestyle. “It’s a real slap in the face,” Mark Fenkle-Roberts told DBT. “These days in the eastern suburbs you can’t even get one bag for $300.” The government’s one-off rebate is aimed at easing Australia’s cost of living crisis. But some critics of the budget say the rebate should have only been made available to low income earners. “No way,” says Mark Fenkle-Roberts, with his jaw…
Read MoreRandwick real estate agent quickly adds ‘Water Views’ to sign after heavy rain causes puddle on front driveway
SLIPPERY SALES TACTICS: A local real estate agent is moving quickly to take advantage of heavy rainfall and localised flooding across Sydney today. Paul Lambert has today updated the For Sale sign at a Randwick property to include the words ‘Water Views,’ even though the only water in the area is a newly formed puddle on the front driveway. “It’s actually not false advertising,” says the agent. “You can definitely see water from the living room.” The humble single level home brick is on the market for $2.5 million. “It’s a great opportunity,” says Lambert. “But get in quick, because…
Read MoreVaucluse woman selling her front row ticket to Taylor Swift after finally realising the concert is in the western suburbs
INCONVENIENT TRUTH: A local woman’s long-held dream of seeing Taylor Swift in concert has been dramatically ruined, after she finally realised the event is being held at Olympic Park. “I’m a huge Taylor Swift fan,” Veronica Brandon told DBT. “But I just assumed tonight’s concert would be at Allianz stadium in Moore Park.” “I haven’t been to the Western Suburbs in 11 years and there’s no way I’m going there on public transport.” The 27 year old purchased her ‘A Reserve’ ticket a few months ago for $379, and has listed it on Facebook for ‘$320 o.n.o.’ “To be honest,…
Read MoreInstagram introduces new feature allowing users to mute all content relating to Taylor Swift
ANTI-HERO: Social media platform Instagram has responded to growing demand from users to introduce a mute option for any content relating to pop superstar Taylor Swift. “Our AI software can easily identify any photos, videos or text about her, so you don’t have to see any of it if you don’t want to,” says a statement from Instagram. The new feature can filter posts, stories, and even ads featuring Swift or her music, ensuring a Taylor-free browsing experience for those who so desire. It comes as mainstream media and social media is awash with Taylor Swift content as she lands…
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