Posts Tagged ‘Staying On’
GRIN AND BARE IT: Two diametrically opposed men pose for a selfie, proving just how disingenuous social media can be
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE: The Australian Prime Minister today bumped into his US counterpart at the United Nations General Assembly in New York. Witnesses say the entire encounter lasted for “5 seconds max,” just long enough for a selfie. Anthony Albanese posted the photo to his Instagram this afternoon to show he’s not in the diplomatic deep freeze with Trump. “The US President and I actually have so much in common,” Albo captioned his post. “We’re actually pretty good mates now.” DBT contacted The White House to verify the new friendship. “Who is Anthony Albanese? I’ve never heard of him!?” said…
Read More#BREAKING: Anthony Albanese gets job at McDonalds in New York, to finally secure a one-on-one meeting with Trump
FAST FOOD DIPLOMACY: The Australian Prime Minister has finally managed to secure a coveted one-on-one with the US President, thanks to a bold career pivot to a McDonald’s counter in New York. “We all know how much Donald Trump loves his Maccas, so I thought taking a job there would be my best chance of meeting him,” Anthony Albanese declared. And the greasy gambit paid off a short time ago, with Donald Trump strolling into the outlet for an Egg McMuffin, leading to a brief encounter between the two leaders. “I can’t say at this stage exactly what was discussed,…
Read MoreTransport NSW announce new ferry service from Moore Park to Bondi Junction
FLOOD RELIEF: Sydney Ferries has today announced a new service connecting Moore Park and Bondi Junction, as flooded roads force drivers to re-think their commute. Transport NSW says there will be six ferries per day starting near the Moore Park tennis courts, and running through to Westfield Bondi. “With many road services closed or delayed due to flooding, we’re stepping up our ferry services,” says the Transport Minister. “The new Moore Park to Bondi Junction service will take about 15 minutes, depending on weather conditions and currents.”
Read MoreChiswick Woollahra announces new ‘$10 All You Can Eat Buffet’ to welcome new residents and train passengers
BUFFET BACKLASH: One of Sydney’s finest restaurants has today responded to the state government’s controversial plan to open a new train station in Woollahra, and to rezone nearby land for up to 10,000 new homes. Chiswick Woollahra has announced a new $10 all you can eat buffet option, a move designed to cater for an influx of new residents and visitors to the leafy suburb in Sydney’s east. “We’re thrilled to open our doors to the new faces arriving to the area,” says Chiswick restaurant management. But local residents and Chiswick regulars are not impressed. “This is a cultural catastrophe,”…
Read MoreSydney man torn between queuing to inspect rental properties, or queuing to buy cinnamon scrolls from Sundays Bondi
LIVE A LITTLE: A Bondi man who lives in his mother’s basement was faced with an agonising decision this morning. He could either continue to spend soul draining hours queuing up to inspect rental properties, or he could throw in the towel and spend more hours queuing for freshly baked cinnamon scrolls. “It was a tough decision,” Victor Stamford-Small told DBT. “I really do need to find a place to live, but on this occasion I decided to listen to my heart.” At 10.30am, the 28 year old abandoned a Surry Hills open for inspection and drove to the popular…
Read More“It’s an invasion of our privacy,” cheating couples launch for petition calling for ban on ColdPlay kiss cam
COLD PLAYERS: A coalition of cheating couples have launched an online petition demanding that Coldplay ditch its infamous stadium kiss‑cam. “We have rights too,” declared one of the petition co‑founders, who claims he was caught hugging and smooching his colleague three times in one concert. “At the very least concert organisers should offer kiss cam opt-out wristbands,” says the petition. But it appears Coldplay has no plans to can the kiss cam. “We love love, just not the kind that requires full‑body concealment,” quipped a spokesperson.
Read MoreTrump deploys the bunker-buster bomb after his 7th failed attempt to hit his ball out of the sand trap
DIGGING DEEP: The US President has used a military-grade bunker-buster bomb on the 13th hole sand trap at his Mar-a-Lago golf course. “My sand wedge just isn’t cutting it,” Donald Trump told reporters after his 7th failed swing. “It’s time to call in the big guns.” Trump and his group quickly fled the area, and within minutes a low-flying B‑2 Spirit stealth bomber arrived and dropped the bunker-buster bomb onto the sand trap. “It was a direct hit,” says Trump. “The bomb sank deep into the earth before detonating, lifting my ball out of the sand trap and safely onto…
Read MoreAustralians shocked by reports The Project is set to be axed; “We didn’t realise it was still on,” they say
CANCEL CULTURE: Amid growing rumours The Project is about to be axed by Network TEN, Australians are overwhelmingly responding with the same reaction: “Wait, that’s still on?” Once an iconic mainstay of Australian current affairs television, the show has struggled with low ratings in recent years as viewers shift from free-to-air TV to streaming. Now, the mere whiff of cancellation has generated more buzz than any panel debate in the show’s past decade. Even those who still sometimes watch The Project are expressing relief. “Honestly, now I have the entire hour back to scroll Instagram, and frankly, that’s great news,”…
Read MoreParamount Pictures announces new film ‘Mean Boys,’ starring Donald Trump & Elon Musk
BILLIONAIRE BREAKUP: Paramount Pictures has announced its latest teen comedy, titled Mean Boys, will star Donald Trump and Elon Musk as a pair of ruthlessly popular high-school “royalty.” “Mean Boys is currently in production and expected to be released in September,” says one Paramount executive. ‘It’s about a clash of egos, bound by wealth and power, wrapped in teen-drama splendour.” Paramount has promised “no detail too petty” when dramatising the pair’s social-media face-offs. Some movie buffs are praising the film as a “genius meta‐satire” that exposes billionaire insecurities, while others decry it as an overpriced vanity project.
Read MoreRail unions celebrate reaching new wage deal by taking a well-deserved 2 week strike
DOWN TOOLS: Sydney rail unions have marked the end of a long-running wage dispute with a two-week strike, purely to recuperate from the emotional toll of industrial action. “We’ve been on the front lines of industrial action,” said union spokesperson Mandy Rockeby. “Negotiating pay is exhausting. I need time to heal emotionally.” The union says the two-week break is essential for members to “rest and reflect.” The new wage deal, worth 12% over three years, is being hailed as a win for workers. The NSW Premier – still reeling from the PR loss – is cautiously optimistic. “We hope this…
Read More