As questions mount over the effectiveness of Victoria’s hotel quarantine procedures, the state’s premier has announced new measures aimed at slowing the spread of Covid-19.

“Today I’m announcing that hotel quarantine group sex will be limited to no more that 5 participants at any one time,” says Daniel Andrews.

And the Premier says a “generous supply” of hand sanitiser and condoms must be available to all orgy participants.

“We know hotel quarantine can be boring, so we want guests to find ways of being stimulated, but kissing is strictly forbidden,” says Andrews.

It comes amid allegations that hotel security guards had sex with guests in quarantine, breaking social distancing rules in the most hectic way possible.

“It’s very difficult to monitor the security guards 24/7,” says Daniel Andrews. “In fact we want security guards involved to ensure sex is safe and sanitised.”

The new quarantine rules will take effect from next Wednesday.