Friends Strike Agreement To Always Like Each Other’s Instagram Posts, Even If They’re Lame

QUID PRO QUO: After weeks of negotiation, Julie Duleil and Simone Dias have come to an in principle agreement to always like each other’s instagram posts. “It’s nice to know I can post absolute garbage and still get some level of support,” says Julia (left). After going through a recent relationship breakdown Julia has been regularly posting inspirational quotes and photos of her coffee.” “At least I know, I’ll always get at least 1 like,” she says. “It takes the risk out a little bit.” And, as a career woman, Simone Dias is known for her ‘humble brag’ posts about…

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#BREAKING: Coles Supermarket Shopper Manages To Grab Just One Basket

BASKET BREAKTHROUGH: When Sydney’s Ros Simpson approaches the shopping basket pile at her local Coles, she braces for the worst. “All I want is one shopping basket, but it’s impossible to not pick up 2 or 3, or sometimes even 4 of them. They always stick together.” But this afternoon the 29 year old says “something magic happened.” “Somehow I managed to lift just one basket from the pile. A man nearby saw and started clapping. I think it might have been something in my technique.” DBT asked Coles for an interview on they make it so hard to grab…

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Local Woman Unfollows Anyone On Instagram More Attractive Or Successful Than She Is

SAFE SPACE: A local woman is taking drastic action to reduce the anxiety she feels after checking her Instagram feed. “I’ve looked through all my followers and unfollowed – or muted – any of them who are hotter or wealthier than I am,” says Elle Brock. “It’s just so much easier this way.” The 32 year old claims most of the people she previously followed on Instagram are successful in life simply because “they got lucky.” “They were just in the right place at the right time,” she says. “I’m so sick of seeing their humble brag posts about their…

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Local Real Estate Agent Updates Instagram Bio To ‘Public Figure,’ After Leasing A Mercedes C200

FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT: Local real estate agent Jason Berner has announced the next brave step in his 3 year career. The 28 year old has listed himself as a ‘public figure’ on Instagram after selling his old Toyota Rav 4, and leasing a white Mercedes C200. “I can’t afford to buy the Merc just yet, but I plan to as soon as my crypto portfolio recovers,” he told DBT. “Either way, it’s a huge step up from my old Toyota RAV 4.” Jason Berner’s bold move to ‘public figure’ status comes despite only having 213 followers. “Mark…

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Spike In Demand For Grocery Home Delivery, As Shoppers Avoid Supermarket Xmas Carols

Australia’s major supermarkets are experiencing a huge surge in demand for grocery home deliveries in the lead up to Christmas. “Home deliveries are up 542% over the last three weeks,” says Coles’ head of customer experience Dean Parkes. “We apologise for any delays in receiving your groceries.” Shoppers tell DBT they’re avoiding in-store supermarket shopping in a desperate bid to side step Christmas carols. “When I went to the supermarket last week, I just wanted a loaf of bread,” says Woolworths Double Bay customer Mark Tindle. “But instead I got an earful of Mariah Cary, and a store that looked…

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Recently Separated Man Devastated He Can’t Keep Things In His Wife’s Handbag Anymore

BURDEN TO CARRY: For the last three years Andrew Prasad has enjoyed keeping his keys, asthma spray and other assorted items in his wife’s handbag. But after separating from her last week, the 31 year old has been left devastated. “Break-ups are never easy,” he says. “There’s obviously going to be an adjustment period. I might even have to buy a bum bag.” In the meantime, he’s been forced to join his single friends who don’t have access to a handbag to keep their belongings in. “I don’t know how other single people do it,” he says. “My pockets are…

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SKIN IN THE GAME: Man Now Only Socialising With People Who Have Crypto Portfolios Above $100k

CRYPTO CREW: A Sydney cryptocurrency enthusiast has announced a new plan to only spend time with people who are also heavily invested in digital currencies. “Time is money,” says James Tyler. “And the crypto market is open 24/7 so I don’t have time to sit around talking about bullshit things.” With a crypto portfolio currently worth $127k, Mr Tyler says he’s now only socialising with people who have portfolios above $100k. “We’re exchanging trading information and tips around the clock,” he says. “Socialising with anyone who isn’t heavily invested comes with a huge opportunity cost.” Some of James Tyler’s oldest…

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Entire Friendship Now Solely Based On Liking Each Other’s Instagram Posts

STILL IN TOUCH: Two local men say their friendship is as strong as ever, even though they’ve barely spoken since 2015. “I don’t think people need to talk or see each other in person to have thriving friendships,” says Tom Bushnell. “But liking each other’s Instagram posts definitely helps.” The pair finished school together 10 years ago. “We’ve always had a level of mutual respect,” says James Meier. “Even though we rarely see each other, I know we are in a good place.” James Meier estimates that Tom Bushnell likes or comments “around 80%” of his posts. “To me it’s…

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WORRYING TREND: NSW Records Alarming Daily Increase In The Number Of Gym Selfies

NEW OUTBREAK: One day after gyms re-opened in NSW experts are already warning about a concerning new outbreak of gym selfies posted to social media. “We were worried this might happen,” NSW Premier Dominic Perrottet told reporters today. “Please exercise restraint at the gym, or else we’ll have to go back into lockdown.” As of 8pm last night, there were 240,871 new cases of gym selfies, up from just 14,230 the day before when people posted selfies from outdoor gym set ups. “These numbers are very concerning,” says the Premier. “We need to flatten the curve immediately. Please leave your…

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Adapt Or Die: Fitness First Launches Outdoor Demountable Gym At Rushcutters Bay Park

Fitness First has opened its first outdoor gym set up in Sydney’s Rushcutters Bay park. “We’re excited to parter with the City Of Sydney council to offer the extensive weights and cardio facility in open parkland,” says Fitness First CEO Chris Sandringham. “It will cost users only $65 an hour.” It’s understood the move intends to rival personal trainers, who have set up equally hectic outdoor demountable gyms during covid. “The outdoor gymnasium sector is growing quickly in response to ongoing restrictions on indoor gyms,” says Chris Sandringham. “It will be annoying for our staff to set up the gym…

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