STAYING POWER: A Fitness First membership card is being put to good use today, after months of lying dormant.

“I haven’t been to the gym in ages because of Covid,” says Dane Ward. “But I left my membership card in my wallet.”

Dane Ward and his friends are using the card repeatedly today to rack lines of coke at a Melbourne Cup party.

“I feel sensational, physically and mentally,” says Ward. “Much better than I ever did during, or after, a workout at Fitness First haha.”

After several jokes about the irony of using a gym membership card to rack lines, Dane Ward and his friends have now entered their 8th hour of continuous debauchery.

“Fuck this, I’m never going back to a gym ever again,” says Ward. “Covid, or no covid, I just cant see it happening.”

More to come.