Local News
Newtown IGA Introduces Chickpea Buying Limit Of One Tin Per Customer
Newtown IGA has announced tough new restrictions aimed at preventing grocery hoarding. From tomorrow, customers will be limited to purchasing only one tin of chickpeas each. "We're implementing these new restrictions to help ease ongoing chickpea shortages," says supermarket owner...
Bored Boomer In Isolation Excited About Phone Call From Telemarketer
The monotony of coronavirus isolation was relieved briefly for one Sydney boomer who received a call from a telemarketer this evening. "I'd actually never heard of the energy company he was representing," says Anita Marks. "But to be honest, I...
#BREAKING: Permanent Closure Of Sydney’s Light Rail Network “Due To COVID-19”
Sydney's infamous light rail project has failed to clear its final hurdle; coronavirus. The Premier today announced its immediate and permanent closure. "It's a sad day for Transport NSW," says Gladys Berejiklian. "We're proud of the network we built. It...
NSW Police Announce Mass Layoffs As Social Distancing Rules Prevent Strip Searching
NSW Police has announced that one quarter of the state's officers will be made redundant in response to coronavirus. The police chief blames the federal government's new social distancing rules. "These rules have completely disabled our strip search operations," says...
Sydney Couple Hold Wedding In Park, Wearing Gym Clothes So They Can Have 10 Guests
A Sydney couple have found a loophole in the Prime Minister's extension of social restrictions, aimed at stopping the spread of COVID-19. Last night Scott Morrison announced a maximum of 5 guests at all weddings, but he's allowing gatherings of...
Man Who Posted Covid-19 Graph To Facebook, Now Considering Career As Infectious Disease Expert
A Sydney finance worker has announced the next brave step in his career. "I'm considering becoming an infectious disease expert," says Daniel Denny. "In finance, we use technical analysis to forecast outcomes based on historical data. For Covid-19, it's no...
Boyfriends And Husbands Across Sydney Celebrate The Cancellation Of Vivid
The cancellation of Sydney's annual festival of music and lights has been welcomed by men across Sydney. "Every year I have to do the whole 'Vivid date night' thing with my wife, and it's punishing," says one man. But this...
UFC Announces Fight Night To Be Held At Woolworths In Western Sydney
The car park at Woolworths Chullora will set the stage for a night of UFC fighting. "We've decided to bring the championship to Sydney's west after noticing the area's growing interest in fighting," says UFC Ray Talerton. It follows a...
Coconut Water Supplies Run Dry At Bondi Supermarkets As Coronavirus Panic Buying Begins
If you're thinking about buying coconut water in Bondi, think again. Supermarkets and convenience stores in the popular suburb are completely out of coconut water, as locals worried about Coronavirus begin stockpiling food and other essentials. "Coconut water is the...
Facebook Glitch Sees $52M Raised By Celeste Barber Going To Victims Of Fyre Festival
Social media giant Facebook has apologised for a tech glitch preventing bushfire victims from receiving much-needed charity funds. The $52 million dollars raised by comedian Celeste Barber in a Facebook fundraiser was instead allocated to victims of the fraudulent luxury...
