Analysis
Dancing Like A Muppet Among Studio Audience Doesn’t Make You Popular: Report
A groundbreaking new report shows dancing amongst studio audience members like a muppet does nothing to boost the popularity of TV hosts. "Our survey shows 72% of respondents label this kind of behaviour as 'attention seeking, annoying and unnecessary,'" says...
Woolworths’ New Face Mask Policy Revealed As Strategy To Reduce Grape Theft
Woolworths' new policy encouraging shoppers to wear face masks has been revealed as a ploy to prevent them stealing grapes. "Publicly the policy is being implemented under the guise of stopping the spread of Coronavirus," says a head office employee...
Premier Blames Potts Point Covid Cluster On ‘Increase In Alcohol Fuelled Violence’
The NSW Premier is flaggeding tougher lockout laws for Kings Cross and Potts Point after a reported spike in alcohol fuelled violence in the area. "A increase in alcohol consumption during the pandemic has triggered several one-punch attacks," says Gladys...
Wuhan Wet Markets Allowed To Reopen After Vendors Put Up ‘We’re Covid Safe’ Sign
Despite international calls for the permanent closure of the Wuhan Wet Markets, the World Health Organisation has given the green light for the market to resume trading. The controversial move follows all market vendors agreeing to put up a 'We're...
New Data Shows Dangerous Spike In Number Of Covid Skeptics
The nation's scientists are flagging a dramatic increase in the number of people who think Covid-19 is a scam. "We've seen several new outbreaks," says the CSIRO's Hunter Thomas. "It comes after Melbourne 'Covidiot' Eve Black went viral by...
NSW Police Commissioner Wants Face Masks Banned Due To ‘Security Concerns’
The NSW Wales Police Commissioner says he's "deeply concerned" about the rapid take up of face masks to reduce the spread of Covid-19. "I understand, there are potential health benefits, but the masks also trigger very real security concerns," says...
NSW Introverts Applaud New Ban On Dancing, Singing & Mingling At Events
Introverts are expressing relief about new social distancing measures introduced today by the NSW government. "We applaud the ban on dancing, singing and mingling at events," says local introvert Gavin Edwards. "They are all very high risk activities." Gavin Edwards...
“Daniel Andrews Is Doing An Excellent Job,” Says China’s President
China's President has jumped to the defence of embattled Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews. "Mr Andrews is doing an excellent job," says Xi Jinping through an interpreter. "China's Communist party commends him for his measured and timely response to Covid-19." The...
‘There Is No Coronavirus In Double Bay Is There?’ Ask Golden Sheaf Revellers
Residents of Double Bay in Sydney's east say they feel immune to the potentially fatal effects of Covid-19. "I've know there have been thousands of cases in Sydney, but none in any suburbs I've ever heard of," says local man...
Politician Nobody Takes Seriously Banned From TV Show Nobody Watches
A poor excuse for a politician has been axed from appearing on a breakfast TV show that nobody watches. Pauline Hanson was banned from The Today Show after she made offensive statements on air about residents trapped in nine Melbourne...
