Analysis

Dan Andrews Hires External Communications Team To Read Hotel Quarantine Inquiry Report

The Victorian Premier has hired an external communications team to read and analyse the 315 page hotel quarantine inquiry report which was tabled in parliament today. "It's a busy time for me leading up to Christmas," says Dan Andrews. "Plus...
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Afghan Asylum Seekers Bound For Sydney Turn Back After Reading About Covid Outbreak

A desperate bid to escape poverty, war and oppression in Afghanistan has been cut dramatically short. Around 55 Afghan asylum seekers on a boat bound for Sydney have decided to turn around after hearing about the Northern Beaches covid cluster....
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Local ‘Fitness Coach’ Completes Seamless Transition Into ‘Life Coach’

Jack Bedoya has made the next brave step in his career, announcing today he's completed the transition from 'fitness coach' to 'life coach.' "To be honest, I was helping so many of my fitness clients with various facets of their...
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Zoom Chat Held By Anti-5G Activists Cut Short Due To Slow Internet

"The NBN is a joke," they say. A group of 5G conspiracy theorists attempting a Zoom call yesterday, have failed dismally. "The bloody internet kept dropping out," one of them told DBT. "The NBN is such crap. It's like living...
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NSW Premier Declines Invite To Family Christmas Lunch To Avoid Questions About Her Love Life

The NSW Premier will be spending Christmas day alone, after declining an invite from her mother to attend the annual Berejiklian Christmas lunch. "The Armenians are pretty hectic when it comes to probing personal questions," says Gladys Berejiklian. "I just...
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“I Promise I Have Covid,” Says Ellen, Looking For Excuse To Stop Producing Her Crappy Show

US talk show queen Ellen DeGeneres says she's contracted Covid-19, forcing a halt in production of her show. "It's such a shame," she tweeted overnight. "Ratings for Ellen are so high at the moment, but I'm left with no choice....
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Channel Nine Obtain Footage Of Pete Evans Trying To Sell Herbalife To Friends

The Nine Network's A Current Affair (ACA) has begun promoting an upcoming story about Pete Evans' attempts to sell Herbalife to his own friends. Herbalife is a global multi-level marketing corporation that develops and sells expensive dietary supplements. But critics...
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Covid Vaccine To Be Administered To Bondi Residents In Powder Form, Snorted Off An iPhone

Early signs of community resistance to getting the Covid-19 vaccine has led authorities to consider new ways of administering the drug. "Our research has found Bondi residents are happy to snort basically anything that comes their way on an iPhone,"...
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Morrison Government Enlists Pauline Hanson To Help Create Anti-China Memes

The federal government has formed a new coalition with One Nation's Pauline Hanson, united in their goal to create anti-China memes. The new meme taskforce - which also includes Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton - will be supported by the...
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Scott Morrison Posts Fake Photo To Twitter Of Wuhan Lab Worker Making Covid-19

Australia and China's diplomatic tensions have escalated after Scott Morrison posted a doctored photo of a Wuhan Lab worker making Covid-19. China's Communist government has labelled the image "repugnant" and "deeply offensive." "I can't believe The Australian PM would sink...
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