Father who regularly pays $350 for a bag, refusing to pay $22 for an Easter showbag

CHARLES IN CHARGE: A Sydney father who regularly spends a quarter of his weekly salary on eight balls, says showbags are way too expensive. Today Josh Laird refused to buy his young son Henry a $22 showbag at this year’s Royal Easter show. “Those bags are a huge waste of money,” he told his son before attempting to leave the event. “Plus, you’re massively addicted to sugar.” But the son reportedly put up a fight, saying he refused to leave until his father purchased the Cadbury showbag for him. “C’mon son, show some restraint will you,” replied the father. “There…

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Double Bay fboy embracing online sexual health testing, to avoid cringe worthy doctor appointments

OPEN FOR BUSINESS: In a move that has shocked absolutely no one, a Double Bay fboy and run club enthusiast has found a way to bypass embarrassing doctors appointments by doing his sexual health testing online. “It’s an absolute game changer,” Jack Pascoe told DBT. “I take my Stigma Health online referral to a pathology collection centre and get tested, and then my confidential test results are sent straight to my phone.” “No awkward chat about sexually transmitted infections with my GP while he’s checking out my junk!” Jack Pascoe has long been known for his carefree attitude towards dating…

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“I’m honoured & humbled,” writes man on LinkedIn after appointing himself CEO of start-up he founded last week

HUMBLE BRAG: A local entrepreneur, thought leader and mentor has spent his Tuesday afternoon writing a 300 word LinkedIn post about how ‘humbled’ he is to get a new job. Mark Paluka has just announced himself as CEO of an ‘innovation hub’ he founded last week. “This honour has left me speechless,” he wrote. The new company which currently has a total staff count of one (including the CEO), has yet to secure any funding or produce any kind of business plan. “From the moment I conceptualised this company last weekend, to my appointment as CEO today, it’s been an…

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INSTANT ICK: Eastern suburbs woman forced to flee Hinge date after he showed up on a share bike

GHOSTED: A Bellevue Hill has told of the shocking moment her Hinge date arrived on a clunky green Lime bike, prompting her to make a swift exit. “He didn’t even see me I don’t think,” Sally Gibbons told DBT. “I was out of there so quickly.” The pair were set to have a coffee date at a Paddington cafe after matching on the app. But when she saw him arrive on the share bike, complete with helmet and green bicycle basket, she says she got the “instant ick.” “I get that share bikes are good for the environment, and he seemed…

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Regulators force ‘I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here’ to be renamed; ‘Get Me Out Of Here’

HARSH REALITY: Television regulators have forced the long-running reality show ‘I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here’ to change its name. After the premier episode of the 2024 season aired last night, the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission has demanded the word ‘Celebrity’ be removed from the show’s title. “We find using the word ‘celebrity’ amounts to misleading and deceptive conduct,” says the ACCC’s Megan Tilly. “Apart from Frankie Muniz, basically all of the contestants are little known influencers or recycled reality TV contestants.” “In fact, none of them have any idea who anyone else on the show is,…

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The Golden Sheaf introduce mandatory dress code for males: white sneakers, beige chinos and a white linen shirt

CARBON COPY: In a bold move to ensure fashion consistency among its male patrons, a popular Double Bay pub is implementing a mandatory dress code: white sneakers, beige chinos, and a white linen shirt. “We want to maintain The Golden Sheaf’s reputation as a fashionable and sophisticated venue,” says The Sheaf management. “This is not just a dress code, it’s a community.” From the start of April, male patrons will not be allowed into the venue unless they are wearing the specific uniform set out on the Sheaf’s website. “Let’s face it, that’s all most people wear these days anyway,”…

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Eastern suburbs man applies to go on Farmer Wants A Wife after buying a pair of R.M. Williams

CONCRETE COWBOY: A Double Bay man looking for love is hoping that buying a pair of R.M. Williams will qualify him for Channel Seven’s reality TV show Farmer Wants A Wife. “Working in corporate finance, I rarely get to leave the city to be honest,” Sam Biggs admitted to DBT. “But ever since I bought my R.M. Williams last week from Westfield Bondi Junction, I’ve begun feeling a genuine connection with rural Australia.” The 32 year old, who’s lived in Double Bay his whole life yesterday submitted his application for the next season of the show, in which farmers embark…

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#BREAKING: Pauline Hanson calls for name change of Arnott’s ‘Ginger Nut’ biscuits

BISCUIT BROUHAHA: In an address to the senate today, One Nation Leader Pauline Hanson said she’s shining a light on what she calls ‘blatant discrimination.” “It’s a travesty that Coon Cheese is forced into a rebrand, yet Arnott’s Ginger Nut biscuits are allowed to continue trading under their existing name,” she says. “These biscuits are an attack on people with red hair.” Ms Hanson says she regularly feels a victim of discrimination in Australia for having red hair, something made worse by Ginger Nut biscuits. “The brand name of these biscuits is basically a hate crime,” she says. The American…

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Wentworth Courier newspaper now being delivered directly to recycling bins

One of Australia’s most useless local newspapers has announced that from next week it will be delivered directly to recycling bins around Sydney’s east. “Our own research shows very few people actually pick up the Wentworth Courier,” concedes the paper’s publisher, Lyn Wightwick. “Except maybe a few retirees have a read while they’re on the toilet.” Once a powerhouse of real estate advertising, the plastic-wrapped News Corp owned local paper has been battling a tough media climate. The paper has lost its real estate ad revenue to websites that make searching for a suitable home much easier than flipping through…

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“It’s so nice to leave the city and get out into the countryside,” says Bondi Junction man walking a lap of Centennial Park

“It also helps justify my man bun,” he says. RURAL RETREAT: In a daring quest for tranquility and a taste of the great outdoors, a Bondi Junction couple has escaped the hustle and bustle of the city by going for a walk in Centennial Park. “I’m so glad we didn’t get sucked into the weekend brunch scene at Bills Bondi again,” said Marc Drake to his wife. “It’s like a whole other world out here.” Armed with nothing more than designer sunglasses and their mobile phones, the couple traversed the park’s vast expanses of grass and trees, marveling at the…

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