Posts by DBT
Premier Gives Year 12 Formals Green Light, With Strict Ban On Pashing And Rooting
School formals have been given the green light to be held in New South Wales. The state government has announced the end of year celebrations will be allowed from November 12 after the final HSC exam. But there is one strict caveat. “Under no circumstances will any pashing or any other sexual activity be allowed,” says Premier Gladys Berejiklian. “We want students to have something to look forward to after their exams, but all school formals must be held in a COVID-safe way.” Students who spoke to DBT say the pash ban goes one step too far. “I couldn’t be…
Read MoreDjokovic Disqualified From US Open After One Of His Balls Slapped A Lineswoman In The Throat
Novak Djokovic’s US Open campaign has come to an abrupt end after being disqualified when one of his balls slapped a match official’s throat. “It was a complete accident,” said the world number 1. “I should have been more careful. The whole thing has left me feeling sad and empty.” The 33 year old Serbian had just fallen behind 5-6 in the first set of his fourth round match when the lewd act occurred. Tennis officials acted swiftly. “We need to show players that just because they are among the world’s best, they can not get away with this kind…
Read MoreAnnastacia Palaszczuk Reveals She Was Bullied As A Child “And Now It’s Payback Time”
An emotional Queensland Premier has shared some poignant insights from her childhood, as she fronted the media today. Annastacia Palaszczuk has revealed she was the victim of schoolyard bullying back in the 1980’s. “Having a surname like Palaszczuk in Brisbane back then earned me quite a few enemies at school,” she says. “It wasn’t easy for me.” The Premier has also admitted her treatment at school is having a direct impact on her current leadership style. “To everyone who bullied me at school, well guess what, now it’s payback time!” she told the media. “This is MY time. Like I…
Read MoreHungry Jack’s Introduces Its Very Own Brand Mascot: ‘Snack Jack’
Fast food chain Hungry Jack’s has today unveiled its very own brand mascot. “Snack Jack will spend his time visiting our 390 outlets around Australia,” says Hungry Jack’s CEO Peter Reeves. “If you’re lucky enough, you might get to meet him one day.” Snack Jack is a clown character aimed at appealing to young children. “When he’s not at our restaurants, Snack Jack will also visit sick children in hospital,” says Peter Reeves. “We’re introducing him in a bid to give our brand some more original personality.” Mr Reeves refutes allegations that Snack Jack is a copy of McDonalds’ own…
Read MoreWoman Who Live-Streamed Her Arrest, Asks To Be Re-Arrested After Putting On Some Makeup
A Victorian woman who bravely live-streamed her arrest while wearing pink pyjamas has formally requested police arrest her again. “It was a bit unfair of police to barge in without any warning,” Zoe Buhler told DBT. “I didn’t even have a chance to get dressed properly or put on make up before going live.” At her Ballarat home yesterday, the 28 year old was arrested for allegedly organising an anti-lockdown protest. The video of the arrest was viewed at least 5 million times within 24 hours of being live-streamed. “I’ve made a formal application to Victorian Police to stage the arrest…
Read MoreDan Andrews Calls For Instagram Ban, To Prevent Victorians Seeing Other Australians Having Fun
Dan Andrews is proposing a radical new way of helping Victorians deal with the harsh restrictions of stage 4 lockdown. “Today I’m calling for a ban on Instagram in Victoria,” he says. “It’s having a dangerously negative effect on the mental wellbeing of people across the state.” The proposal appears to have broad support from Victorian voters. “Absolutely. The only time I get depressed is when I look at Instagram,” one Victorian man told DBT. “I see my NSW friends actually socialising and having fun. The most exciting Instagram post I can possibly do at the moment is a selfie…
Read MoreQueensland Premier Announces Schoolies Week To Go Ahead ‘Via Zoom’
Schoolies Week 2020 was formally cancelled last week due to Covid-19, but today the Queensland Government has announced a change of heart. “We don’t want to deny school leavers the chance to experience Schoolies Week, so we’ve decided it will go ahead,” says Queensland Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk. But there’s a small catch. The annual week of debauchery – which normally takes place at various locations across Queensland – will this year take place via a series of Zoom video conference calls. “We understand it’s not quite the same in-person experience,” says Ms Palaszczuk. “But this is a safe way to…
Read MoreFederal Treasurer Applies For JobSeeker Allowance As Nation Enters Recession
The Federal Treasurer has announced that he’s applied for the JobSeeker allowance, as Covid-19 continues to deal its most severe economic blow since World War II. “There’s no reason why politicians can’t apply for the allowance,” says Josh Frydenberg. “We’re all in this together.” It comes as new data shows Australia’s economy contracted by 7 per cent during the June quarter, confirming the nation’s first recession since the early 1990s. “It’s unclear if there’s any immediate threat to my job,” admits Frydenberg. “But I have to be prepared, and that’s why I’ve applied for JobSeeker.” A federal government spokesperson wouldn’t…
Read MoreLink Found Between Being A Covid Skeptic & Smoking Ice While Still Living At Home With Parents
A landmark new study is providing a deeper understanding of people who think Covid-19 is a hoax. Researchers at Sydney University found 67% of Covid deniers are regular users of the highly addictive drug Methamphetamine. And 48% of them still live at home with their parents, despite being mature age adults. “Covid deniers are unfortunately a growing section of the population,” says lead researcher Stuart Dass. “They are dangerous too as they are putting lives at risk.” The research also found that Covid skeptics are likely to regularly watch Sky News and spend hours per day leaving dumb comments on…
Read More‘George Floyd Should’ve Followed The Law!’ Argues Melbourne Man Who Refuses To Wear A Face Mask
A Melbourne conspiracy theorist has been exposed as a complete and utter battler after sharing his contradictory views on mandatory face masks. At the height of the Black Lives Matter protests in July, Anthony Secombe tried to argue that George Floyd “pretty much deserved to die.” “Floyd was a career criminal and drug addict,” says Secombe. “It’s not the police’s fault if he refused to be a law abiding citizen.” But Secombe’s views on George Floyd’s death appear to be at odds with his refusal to wear a face mask in the midst of a global pandemic. “There’s no way…
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