Posts by DBT
Man Scared To Read News & Find Out What Offensively Stupid Things Trump Does Next
A Sydney man has implemented a full news media blackout in a desperate bid to avoid finding out about Donald Trump’s deluded antics. “I get too upset about how the supposed ‘leader of the free world’ can be such a fucking idiot.” says Chris Markson. “I find it personally offensive.” Markson’s news media black out was triggered by Trump’s absurd drive to salute supporters while he was infected with Covid-19 and meant to be in hospital isolation. “After what the whole world has endured with Covid; all the restrictions, deaths, job losses, etc, Trump goes for a fucking drive, potentially…
Read More#BREAKING: China’s President Refers To Covid-19 As “The White House Virus”
China’s President has wished Donald Trump and his wife Melania “a speedy recovery” after they were diagnosed with Covid-19. But Xi JinPing has also used his address on Chinese state TV to criticise the White house. “The White House Virus is still rampant in the USA,” says Xi Jinping. “But here in China we have it completely under control.” His scathing words are an apparent rebuke to Donald Trump repeatedly calling Covid-19 ‘The China Virus.’ “Nobody really knows where this virus started,” says the Chinese President. “But what’s clear is that some countries are much better at handling it than…
Read More#BREAKING: Infected US President Makes Surprise Visit To Nursing Home
The US President has made a surprise visit to a nursing home in the US state of Maryland, near to the hospital where he’s being treated for Covid-19. “Don’t worry folks, Covid is actually not that bad,” said Donald Trump. “Look at me, I’m out and about, absolutely no problems at all.” Trump is desperately trying to rally support ahead of the US election on November 3. Earlier, he went for a drive to salute cheering supporters from his motorcade. “If you think the China Virus is going to keep me in isolation, you’ve got another thing coming,” the President…
Read MoreChina Halts Its Covid Vaccine Testing Program After Trump Tests Positive
Despite Scott Morrison’s recent plea for all countries to work together on releasing a Covid vaccine, China has today announced a pause in its vaccine research. “We already have several vaccines in late-stage trials,” said one Chinese official on state TV. “But we’ve now decided to put the program on hold for at least a month or two.” China’s move to pull out of the Covid vaccine race, is being linked to news that US President Donald Trump and his wife have tested positive for the virus. Trump’s condition today has reportedly become serious, with the President suffering shortness of breath…
Read MoreTrump Calls Pete Evans, Urging Him To Get Tested For Corona
The US President has called Australian celebrity chef Pete Evans, urging him to get tested for Covid-19. “Get a test ASAP Pete,” Donald Trump told Evans while on the phone in the Oval Office. “I thought Corona was bullshit too, but it just came out of nowhere.” Like Donald Trump, Pete Evans has consistently questioned whether coronavirus is real. The former TV personality has regularly posted “there is no pandemic” on his social media accounts. “Pete, I swear it’s a real thing,” says Donald Trump. “My throat feels like shit and I can hardly breath right now.” It comes after…
Read MoreMelania Demands Trump Stay 1.5M From Her At All Times, As They Both Test Positive For Covid
The US President Donald Trump and his wife have gone into quarantine after they both tested positive for Coronavirus a short time ago. The White House has announced strict quarantine laws will apply, and Melania Trump is enforcing some tough Covid restrictions of her own. “I have told Donald he’s not allowed within 1.5M of me,” says Melania Trump. “It will be good for our health, but also for our relationship.” The pair made a brief and Covid-friendly media appearance a short time ago on the White House lawn, with Melania’s 1.5m rule well and truly in force. “We’re actually…
Read MoreMelbourne Brothel Re-Opens After Putting Up ‘We’re Covid Safe’ Sign
A Melbourne brothel has breached strict lockdown restrictions by attempting to open for business last weekend. State government covid marshalls say they first noticed clients leaving the brothel in Essendon on Sunday evening. “And, upon further investigation, health officials discovered the venue had been trading for at least 24 hours,” says Victoria’s Premier Dan Andrews. In a bid to avoid penalties, the brother owner attempted to argue that his venue was ‘covid friendly.’ “We even put up one of those ‘We’re Covid Safe’ signs on our shopfront,” says brothel operator Jason Watts. “And we completely banned our sex workers from…
Read MoreTrump Starts GoFundMe Page To Help Pay Off His Ballooning Personal Debt
The US President has turned to the popular crowdfunding platform GoFundMe for help in paying off his $421 million debt. “I need your help,” concedes Donald Trump, after decades of maintaining a lavish lifestyle and acting like a high roller. It follows an explosive report by The New York Times showing Trump is heavily in debt, and has paid no federal income tax in 10 of the 15 past years. “To be honest, I’m just a poor elderly man with huge living expenses,” says the trust fund baby. “Please give generously.” So far Trump’s GoFundMe campaign has raised $134,000 of…
Read MoreJenny Mikakos Poached By World Health Organisation To Lead Global COVID-19 Response
Hours after resigning as Victoria’s Health Minister, Jenny Mikakos has announced the next phase of her career. “I’m starting my new job next month as COVID-19 Response Leader for The World Health Organisation,” she told DBT. “It’s an exciting new chapter!” Despite being blamed for Victoria’s botched Hotel Quarantine program, the WHO says it’s been very impressed with her work. “It also took us a few months to start taking reasonable action on Coronavirus,” says WHO chief Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus. “So for that reason, we actually think Jenny Mikakos is a great fit for us.” The former Labor politician will…
Read MoreWoman Posts Heartfelt Tribute To Ruth Bader Ginsberg After Googling Her To Find Out Who She Is
A Sydney women has posted an emotional Facebook tribute to Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, despite having no idea who she was, until she died three days ago. “I feel like I’ve been on this journey with you,” wrote Evelyn Hunt in her status update. “You were, and will continue to be, a cultural and feminist icon.” Justice Ginsberg passed away at the weekend, after complications with cancer. She was 87. “Ruth, I already miss you,” wrote Evelyn Hunt, to her 312 Facebook friends. “You are champion of justice and gender equality and your legacy will be felt forever.” But in…
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