Bondi Cluster: NSW Health Now Offering A Line Of Coke As Incentive To Get Tested

New South Wales Health has begun offering drugs as an incentive for Bondi residents to get tested for Covid-19. “Testing rates are a key factor in stopping the spread,” says Gladys Berejiklian. “That’s why we’re offering a complementary line of cocaine to everyone who gets tested at the Bondi testing clinic.” A measured dose of the drug is being given to everyone as they complete their testing. “I’ve been tested 6 times today,” says one man lining up at the drive-through testing clinic. “Better to be safe than sorry.” The initiative comes as the Bondi cluster increased overnight to a…

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Donald Trump Announces Tilt At Australian Politics After Hearing Barnaby Joyce Got Re-elected

Former US President Donald Trump has announced a plan to revive his political career down under. It comes after hearing that the basket case of Australian politics Barnaby Joyce has been re-elected as Deputy PM. “You know what, maybe there’s room for a guy like me in Australian politics,” Trump told DBT. “Heck, I reckon I could probably be Prime Minister within three years.” Trump says he will officially launch his tilt at Canberra under the campaign slogan ‘Let’s Make Australia Great Again.’ “I’ll still be able to use all my old ‘MAGA’ merchandise, so it makes good sense,” says…

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Narcissistic Nutter Confirms Dire State Of Australian Politics After Re-election As Deputy PM

One of Australia’s biggest loose cannons has been re-elected Deputy Prime Minister today. Barnaby Joyce’s controversy-filled political career revolves around doing as many media interviews as possible. And just when Australian voters thought they’d seen the end of the drunken backbencher, he’s back. Again. “There’s 25 million people in this country,” says one voter. “How the hell can we not find anyone better than him?” Barnaby Joyce has been elected leader of the Nationals in a tumultuous party spill that restores him to the position of Deputy Prime Minister. He’s been punted twice before. Firstly by the High Court over…

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Covid Devastation: Vaucluse Woman Avoiding Westfield BJ, Forced To Shop At Randwick Plaza

A Vaucluse woman who regularly goes to Westfield Bondi Junction has been forced to shop elsewhere, as the eastern suburbs Covid cluster grows to nine. “It was a big shock when they announced Westfield as a Covid hot spot,” says Tia Marks. “I’ve had to come to Randwick instead! I mean, what even is this place?” The 22 year old says she feared driving to Randwick, as she doesn’t know the directions, even though she grew up a few kilometres away. “I just got an Uber here,” she told DBT. “But to be honest this shopping centre is rubbish.” “Is…

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NSW Voters Give Resounding Thumbs Up To Gladys’ Boyfriend Upgrade

New South Wales voters are welcoming with open arms the Premier’s new boyfriend. “He’s pretty cute actually,” said one woman. “He’s got lovely green eyes and he’s a top lawyer as well. I’m actually a little bit jealous if I’m being honest.” Gladys Berejiklian’s relationship with Arthur Moses was revealed in an Instagram post on Friday night by her younger sister Mary. Mr Moses was the Premier’s lawyer when she appeared before an ICAC inquiry last year into her former boyfriend and former Wagga Wagga MP Daryl Maguire. “Gladys is clearly in great form at the moment,” said one Sydney…

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#BREAKING: Biloela Family Request Deportation Back To Sri Lanka After Seeing How Boring Perth Is

The Murugappan family have formally volunteered deportation back to Sri Lanka after arriving in Perth, where their young daughter is being treated for a serious illness. “This place is terrible,” says father Nades Murugappan. “It’s just so fucking boring here.” “It’s a ghost-town at night here except for all the homeless people and meth heads. And everyone here wears those bloody Monster energy drink hats.” The Tamil family were living in immigration detention on Christmas Island since 2019 before being sent to Perth this week. The parents fled to Australia fearing persecution in Sri Lanka’s civil war, but now the…

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Homeless People Removed From Sydney Streets To Make Way For CEO Winter Sleepout

NSW Police asked homeless people to “move on” last night as ‘CEO Winter Sleepout’ organisers prepared for the event at Balmain’s White Bay Cruise Terminal. The CEO Sleepout is an an annual event where Chief Executives sleep rough for a night to raise money for homelessness. But homeless people in the area were instructed to pack their belongings and relocate to other areas around Sydney. “In the interests of CEO safety, we asked them to move at least two kilometres from where the CEO’s were sleeping last night,” says Senior Constable Ivan Lalic. The controversial move was supported by event…

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Bondi Man Only Visiting Trendy Places In Case He Gets Covid & His Exposure Sites Are Published

As Sydney’s latest Covid outbreak grows, one man is taking extreme measures in case he gets infected and his exposure sites are made public. Bondi’s Dean Platz is now only going to trendy, upmarket venues and shops. “I normally get my morning coffee from McDonalds but obviously that is a big risk,” he says. “So I’m now forcing myself to drive to Indigo in Double Bay.” “It’s a hassle, but it’s totally worth it.” “Also I’m not going to Coles anymore,” he says. “Instead I’m doing all my grocery shopping at Harris Farm. It just sounds a lot cooler.” The…

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‘Sorry, I’ve Been Too Busy To Reply To Your Text,’ Says Woman After Her 3rd Hour Scrolling Instagram

A Perth woman is letting her friend down gently today, after it took her an entire afternoon to reply to his text message, asking how she’s going. Claire Temple’s reply to Peter Marr’s message eventually came at 5pm yesterday, more than three hours after he sent it. “Sorry it took me a while to respond,” she eventually texted him back. “It’s been a really crazy day so far.” However Ms Temple has revealed to DBT that she actually did nothing all day, except lose track of time in an Instagram death scroll which lasted three hours. “Well, that, and also…

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“Did You Really Shit Your Pants At Engadine Maccas?” The Queen Puts Our PM On The Spot

Queen Elizabeth II began her brief meeting with Australia’s PM on the sidelines of the G7 summit by asking him the toughest question of all. “As Head of The Commonwealth I feel it my duty to ask you something I’m quite concerned about,” said her Majesty. “Is it true you really shat your pants at Engadine Maccas?” A visibly uncomfortable Scott Morrison attempted to diffuse the situation, telling the Queen “it was a long time ago,” without actually answering the question. Insiders say there are people who can prove he did indeed shit his pants in the hours after the…

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