Posts by DBT
Conversation With Mother About Coronavirus Enters 50th Minute
Sydney’s Gary Teele has been held up on the phone with his mother for almost an hour talking about Covid-19. “Did you see how many new cases there are today?” asked his mother. “it’s just shocking.” “Yes mum, I’ve actually already chatted about this with four other people so far today.” Mr Teele says he tried changing the subject a few times, without success. “She always brings it back to covid,” says Gary Teele. “She’s in isolation and she’s incredibly bored and lonely.” It’s understood Mr Teele has been having long, drawn out COVID-19 related conversations with his mother every…
Read MorePM Offers Anti-Lockdown Demonstrators Free Flights To Christmas Island, So They Can Protest There
An immigration detention centre on Christmas Island will be used to house anti-lockdown protesters under a new plan announced by the federal government. “The right to protest is a defining feature of liberal democracy,” says PM Scott Morrison. “That’s why we’re offering demonstrators free flights to Christmas Island.” It comes after thousands of protesters took to the streets around the nation on the weekend, sparking fears the violent demonstrations could be superspreader events. “Anyone who can prove they were protesting on the weekend is eligible for the free flights to Christmas Island,” says Scott Morrison. “The federal government will also…
Read MoreDBT STARTER KIT: For Violent Anti-Lockdown Protesters
FREeDOm fIgHTeR: If you’d like to be part of the violent anti-lockdown protest movement, there’s a few important things you’ll need before getting started. Firstly, a bandana is a must-have for that bad boy rebel image. Wearing a bandana will serve as a sign to police that you are a freedom fighter who is not to be messed with. You’ll also need a scary tattoo and a ‘fuck the police’ singlet to help round out your look. Protest organisers may wish to confirm that you are incapable of scientific or rational thought. Your year 10 school leaving certificate will be…
Read More#BREAKING: NSW Government Ends Lockdown After Listening To Protestors
BACK FLIP: The state government has today announced an end to Greater Sydney’s lockdown, amid violent scenes at anti-lockdown protests around the country. In a hastily arranged press conference this afternoon, the NSW Premier announced the full withdrawal of all covid restrictions, effective from midnight tonight. “It’s time for lives to return to normal,” says Gladys Berejiklian. “I want to acknowledge that the protestors today are 100% correct, covid is a hoax.” The stunning policy u-turn comes as anti-lockdown protestors in Sydney, Melbourne and Brisbane took to the streets in defiance of public health orders. “You’ve all spoken today, and…
Read MoreMan Sends Work Email But Fails To Include The Phrase: ‘I Hope You’re Staying Safe And Well’
An insurance salesperson has lost his job after failing to include the words: ‘I hope you’re staying safe and well,’ in a work-related email. Rob Hanbury yesterday emailed a colleague in the accounting department to check some expense reports, completely failing to include the key phrase. “This is unacceptably selfish behaviour at this time,” says Hanbury’s boss. “It seems like he has no interest in whether his colleague has covid, or how they’re dealing with lockdown.” It’s understood the matter was referred to the company’s HR department which determined his role at the company is no longer tenable. Rob Hanbury…
Read MoreUnrelenting Flow Of Reality TV Saves Woman From Having To Think About Her Own Life
A bleak combination of winter, Covid-19 and general laziness is forcing Sydney’s Ange Pulver to use reality TV to find meaning and purpose in her own life. “I’m really invested in all the contestants on Beauty and the Geek,” she says. “So I haven’t had a chance to think about my career, love life and all those other annoying things.” The 24 year old has been spending hours on the couch, focusing entirely on the lives of people she doesn’t know. “Big Brother was great,” she says. “Right now I’m watching Farmer Wants A Wife and Beauty and the Geek.…
Read MoreElon Musk To Re-Claim Title Of ‘Richest Person On Earth’ While Jeff Bezos Is In Space
Elon Musk knows what it feels like to be the richest person on earth. He’s desperate to feel it again. That’s why the 50 year old is set to re-claim the title when Jeff Bezos goes into space later today. “I know Jeff will only be in space for about 11 minutes, but whatever it – I’m claiming it,” Musk told DBT. “Technically speaking, I will once again be the richest person on earth.” Jeff Bezos’ space flight is scheduled to launch early this evening (AEST) from a site in the desert plains of West Texas. “I’m really looking forward…
Read MoreCh 7 Announce Pauline Hanson As Replacement For Katie Hopkins On Celebrity Big Brother
One Nation Leader Pauline Hanson has agreed to take Katie Hopkins’ spot on Celebrity Big Brother, it’s been confirmed. “We’re relieved and excited Pauline has accepted our offer,” says Seven programming executive Mike Hanley. “We need another far-right, racist type to ensure we can appeal to as many Australian viewers as possible.” Controversial British media personality Katie Hopkins will be booted from Australia “imminently” after she boasted about flouting the rules inside hotel quarantine. She is also known for her Islamophobic, anti-immigration views, including describing migrants as “cockroaches”. “Pauline Hanson will be the absolute perfect replacement,” says Mike Hanley. “It’ll…
Read MoreSydney Cocaine Dealer Now Also Offering Illegal Home Visit Haircuts
BLACK MARKET: As Sydney enters its third week of lockdown, a local cocaine dealer is taking advantage of hair salon closures by also offering illegal home visit haircuts. “It’s a handy two in one service,” says Tony Werkhoven. “I’m in very high demand at the moment, especially in the eastern suburbs.” The 36 year old cocaine dealer and delivery driver says he studied hairdressing at TAFE 13 years ago. “People are so desperate for a haircut, the quality of the job doesn’t actually matter that much,” he says. “As long as I also come with the party favors, everyone is…
Read MoreCouple Appeal Fine For Having Sex In A Car, Claiming To Be Exercising In A Group Of Two
SEX CRIME: A Sydney couple are appealing a $1100 fine for having sex in their car, claiming it counts as essential exercise. The pair were handed an infringement notice for ‘indecent exposure’ after police caught them having sex in their vehicle which was parked in a Rooty Hill car park. “I don’t understand what we’ve done wrong,” said the man. “We were exercising in a group of two. There was nobody else with us in the car.” Under NSW laws, it’s not an offence to have sex in public, unless you are visible, or even potentially visible. But the couple…
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