Posts by DBT
SOCIAL DISTANCING: Picnic Goers Use ‘5 Person Rule’ To Exclude 6th Friend They Find Annoying
CUNNING PLAN: A Sydney woman has found herself feeling lonely and isolated after being rejected by five of her closest friends during lockdown today. “They told me I couldn’t join them for a picnic at Rushcutters Bay park because of the social distancing rules limiting groups to five,” Diane Frederick told DBT. “I get it, but to be honest, I thought maybe they just didn’t want me there.” To distract herself from the overwhelming sense of rejection, Ms Frederick went for a walk at Rushcutters Bay, to hopefully spot her friends and spy on them from a distance. “When I…
Read More“Lockdown Is Equally Tough For Everyone,” Says Retired 37 Year Old Vaucluse Trust Fund Recipient
A local stay at home trust fund recipient is urging the state government to end the lockdowns immediately. “The current public health orders are still way too heavy handed,” says Derek McCabe, while frolicking around his swimming pool at home. “I can’t even play golf at the course I’m a member at because of the 5km rule.” McCabe ended his highly paid finance career 3 years ago after inheriting millions through a family trust fund. He and his wife own their 5-bedroom Vaucluse home and have four investment properties. “It can get boring just sitting here by my pool all…
Read MoreNEW FREEDOM: Escort Agencies Now Able To Offer Click & Collect
PENT UP DEMAND: The state government is throwing the escort industry a much needed lifeline, announcing that agencies will be able to offer Click & Collect from Tuesday. “With clients making their selections and paying online, we can reduce the amount of human contact,” says NSW Health Minister Brad Hazzard. “We realise there is still contact, but it’ll be significantly decreased.” The new Click & Collect option will be closely monitored by NSW Health covid safety marshals, who will be working inside the escort agencies. “After arriving at the agency, the client will be temperature checked, then led to a…
Read MoreWoman Asking For Recommendations On Facebook, Clearly Just Looking For Social Activity
REACHING OUT: A Sydney woman is being accused of trying to drum up social activity, under the guise of asking for recommendations on Facebook. “Hey FB fam,” Sarah Marsh’s status update began. “Anyone know of an alterations place open in Potts Point?” But many of her 631 Facebook friends say she could have just Googled it. “She’s reaching out hoping people will like and comment purely for social validation,” one of her friends told DBT. “It’s the oldest trick in the book.” Social media researchers say the recent lockdowns saw an influx of isolated people posting similar status updates. After…
Read MoreUniversity Of New South Wales To Begin Offering ‘Bachelor Of Covid Restrictions’
MORE EXPERTS: The University of NSW will become the world’s first tertiary institution to offer classes on Covid restrictions. “Our Bachelor of Covid Restrictions Degree is a new and exciting field of study,” says UNSW Dean Of Epidemiology Mark Ernest. “It draws on both medical and legal aspects of public health orders.” Students hoping to apply to the three year degree will need a minimum ATAR of 98.45. “This course is for the best and brightest minds, in fact many of the students are already experts before it starts,” says Mark Ernest. Classes will commence next month, initially via remote…
Read More#BREAKING: Christian Porter Wins Sunrise Cash Cow
The federal industry and science minister Christian Porter has just been announced as the Sunrise Cash Cow winner for Thursday, netting a $40,000 jackpot. Mr Porter was reportedly at home this morning watching Sunrise when he answered his phone within three rings to claim the cash prize. “I’ve had a few big windfalls lately,” he says. “First the blind trust funding my defamation case, and now this.” After Porter switched portfolios from attorney general to industry minister earlier this year, he says he’s had more time to watch morning television. “I like Sunrise in the morning. And a big thanks…
Read MoreSydney Introvert Feeling Increasingly Anxious About Easing Lockdown Restrictions
A local introvert is calling on the NSW Premier to implement a conservative approach in re-opening NSW. “I’d be keen to stay in isolation to be honest,” says Peter Kremer. “The lack of social activity over the past few months has been excellent for my mental health.” But with restrictions beginning to ease, the 29 year old has begun feeling increasingly anxious. “The changes that came into effect today mean I could easily find myself at a picnic of up to five people,” he says. “But I’ve completely forgotten how to socialise. Imagine if someone tried to shake my hand…
Read More#BREAKING: Premier Announces Lockdown Is Now Optional In Bondi On Weekend Days Above 25 Degrees
LOCKDOWN LIGHT: The NSW Premier has announced another easing of covid restrictions, making lockdowns optional in Bondi on weekends when the weather is warm and sunny. “Can I just say, we’re constantly striving to find the right balance in our public health orders,” says Gladys Berejiklian. “If you’d like to continue your lockdown, that’s great. But if you want to galavant around Bondi all day today with all your friends, that is totally fine too.” The new laws took effect from midday today, but they only apply on weekend days when the temperature is above 25 degrees. “And the new…
Read More5km Rule: Lidcombe Man Swaps His WRX For A Mazda So He Can Drive To Bondi Without Getting Stopped By Police
ULTIMATE SACRIFICE: With summer fast approaching, Sydneysiders are have begun flocking to the beaches. Lidcombe’s Michael Kone typically makes the 25k drive all the way to Bondi Beach, but this year the 5km rule is making that difficult. “I’ve tried driving to Bondi a few times lately, but as soon as I hit the eastern suburbs, I always get pulled over by police because I drive a hotted up Subaru WRX,” says Riley. “I stand out like dogs balls.” So the enterprising 29 year old has traded in his WRX for a factory settings Mazda, to allow him to go…
Read More#BREAKING: Annastacia Palaszczuk Offers To Take Over NSW’s 11am Covid Press Conference
STATE OF ORIGIN: Annastacia Palaszczuk says being Queensland’s Premier shouldn’t prevent her from fronting NSW’s covid press briefings, if Gladys Berejiklian isn’t willing to. “Gladys has done a runner on the people of New South Wales,” says Ms Palaszczuk. “They deserve better, they deserve me.” The Queensland Premier says she’d be willing to travel to Sydney each morning to front the 11am press conference. It comes after the NSW Premier announced yesterday that the 11am press conferences will be scrapped from next week, despite record new covid cases. “Gladys has dropped the ball, letting covid run rampant, and now she’s…
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