Posts by DBT
“I’m Dying For A Beer At The Pub Today,” Says Man Who’s Been Drunk At Home For The Last 4 Months
THIRSTY WORK: A Sydney man who’s spent 95% of lockdown drinking at home says he can’t wait to go to the pub today for a Freedom Day beer. “That very first sip is going to taste so good,” says Mark Radcliffe. The 33 year old alcoholic says it’ll be handy to have a genuine reason to start drinking “properly” again. “I can’t believe how long we’ve been denied a drink at the pub!?” he says. “Drinking at home alone or with friends on Zoom calls is fun and convenient, but it doesn’t really count.” Mark Radcliffe plans to head to…
Read MoreLocal Woman Sells Her Freedom Day Lunch Reservation At ‘Franca Brasserie’ On FB Marketplace
FREEDOM YAY: A Sydney woman has found a new way to profit from unprecedented demand for Sydney restaurant reservations. Two weeks ago Brit Bailey booked a 4 person table for Freedom Day at the popular Potts Point restaurant Franca Brasserie. This evening she sold it on Facebook marketplace for $1050, not including any food or drinks. “I never intended on using the booking,” she says. “It was purely a profit play.” “It’s hard to get into Franca at the best of times, so yes, I think it’s definitely worth it. And so do all the other people who were interested…
Read More#BREAKING: Seven Network Give Sam Frost New Role As The Sunrise Cash Cow
DAMAGE CONTROL: Home and Away star Sam Frost has begun preparing for her new on-screen role, after tearfully revealing her decision to remain unvaccinated. “We’re currently doing rehearsals with Sam to prepare her to work as the Sunrise Cash Cow,” says Seven executive Sam Higgins. “She’s not ecstatic about it, but she’s yet to receive the jab, so working in a full body suit is in the interests of everyone’s safety.” Media analysts say the Seven Network is in damage control after Frost posted an emotional video to Instagram talking about her decision not to get the jab. “If she…
Read MoreSydney Woman Employs Computer Hackers To Secure Her A Table At Catalina For Freedom Day
FREEDOM DAY HACK: Desperate times call for desperate measures. After three unsuccessful weeks of trying to secure a booking at Catalina on Freedom Day, a Darling Point woman is taking matters into her own hands. “I’ve hired a team of young Russian computer hackers to infiltrate the restaurant’s online reservation system,” Maddie Dawson admitted to DBT. It’s understood a group of Ms Dawson’s friends are going to Totties for lunch on Monday, but she wasn’t invited. “I told the hackers I desperately need photos for Instagram of me eating rock oysters for lunch with harbour views on Monday,” she says.…
Read MoreFREEDOM DAY: Local Introvert Forced To Think Of New Excuses To Avoid Social Activity
TOTES AWKS: As Freedom Day approaches, a local introvert is turning his attention to finding new excuses for not socialising. “Saying to my friends; ‘sorry, I have to run errands’ just hasn’t got the same ring to it,” says Peter Kremer. “Lockdown was perfect for my lifestyle.” The 29 year old data analytics specialist says he’s feeling increasingly anxious ahead of Monday’s Freedom Day. “I could easily find myself in a group of 30 people at an outdoor gathering,” he says. “Imagine if we ended up in a bar or something!” It’s understood Kremer has already begun saying to friends…
Read MorePM Reveals Plan To Set Up Federal ICAC, Once 95% Of The Population Is Fully Vaccinated
DELAYING TACTIC: The Prime Minister has this morning made his first significant commitment to the development of a federal anti-corruption body. But there’s a catch. “We need you to do your bit first,” says Scott Morrison. “We’ll establish a national corruption watchdog, but only once the Australian population is 95% vaccinated against Covid-19. We’re all in this together.” But the federal opposition is questioning the strategy of proposing a Federal ICAC to incentivise people to get the jab. “It’s yet another delaying tactic,” says opposition leader Anthony Albanese. “The PM is dangling the carrot, but in reality Australia will never…
Read MoreMan Now Only Dating Unvaccinated Women To Save On Restaurant Bills
CHEAP DATE: A Melbourne man has found a clever way to save money during the pandemic. David Druitt is now only dating unvaccinated women, as a strategic way to avoid expensive restaurant and bar bills. “Unvaccinated people can only go to restaurants, bars and clubs on December 1, so that gives me the perfect excuse to only do cheap dates for almost 2 months.” he says. Instead he’s offering his unvaccinated dates picnics, or nights indoors on the couch at his place. And the plan seems to be working well. “Unvaccinated women are pretty much taking whatever is on offer…
Read More#BREAKING: Comedian Jordan Shanks To Replace John Barilaro As NSW Deputy Premier
CAREER PIVOT: YouTube comedian Jordan Shanks has just announced he’s moving into politics. Shanks, also known as Friendlyjordies, will step into the role of NSW Deputy Premier, replacing the man he accused of corruption: John Barilaro. “This is an exciting new life chapter for me,” Shanks told DBT. “It’s a different career direction, but politics and comedy actually have quite a lot in common.” The 32 year old says he’s looking forward to bringing his skills in stinging commentary and analysis to the floor of NSW parliament. “Honesty is severely lacking in state politics,” says Shanks. “I’m looking forward to…
Read MoreICAC Launches New Inquiry To Find An Australian Politician Who Is Not Corrupt
The Independent Commission Against Corruption has begun a new inquiry aimed at finding a state or federal politician who is not corrupt. “We think there’s a chance there might be one or two out there,” says ICAC Chief Commissioner Peter McKay QC. “We don’t know of any at the moment, but we cant rule it out.” ICAC is inviting Australian politicians who don’t believe they are dishonest or double dealing to nominate themselves to appear before the inquiry, which is due to begin next week. “If we do manage to find any non-corrupt politicians, then we can safely assume all…
Read More#BREAKING: Britney Spears Is Finally Freed Of Her Fitness First Membership
FREE BRITNEY: After a year-long legal battle against multinational gym chain Fitness First, Britney Spears is finally free. A Los Angeles judge has ordered the gym to immediately end the pop star’s two-year membership. “Fitness First’s strict lock-in contract was overly controlling and untenable,” ruled Superior Court Judge Jan Riley. “The contract was confusing and riddled with complex fine print.” Britney Spears was not in court for the ruling today, but on the phone she told DBT exclusively it ends a bitter and drawn out chapter of her life. “I’ve spent the last 12 months trying to get out of…
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