Posts by DBT
“I Won $600 On The Everest!” Says Man Who Lost $23,400 For The Day
#WINNING: A Sydney man has intentionally misled his Instagram followers by trying to suggest that he made money on The Everest at Randwick today. Nigel Dolton posted a photo of himself celebrating in a waistcoat shortly after winning $600 on Nature Strip. “Winner winner, chicken dinner! Go Nature Strip you good thing. Easiest $600 I’ve ever made,” he wrote in a caption alongside the photo. But an investigation by DBT has found the 46 year old investment banker actually lost $23,400 for the day. “He was giving everyone high fives all day, even though he was bleeding cash heavily,” says one…
Read MoreKmart Release ‘Melbourne Tradie Protestor’ Costume Set For Halloween
SCARY TRADIE: For those who are curious to know what it feels like to be a tradie for a day, Kmart has the answer. Two weeks before Halloween, the discount retailer Kmart has released a ‘Melbourne Tradie Protestor’ costume kit for $39.95. “It’s great value for money,” says Kmart. “The kit includes a high-vis vest, beanie, neck bandana, sunglasses and a sign saying: ‘Dan Andrews is the virus.’” The costume kit hit shop shelves around the country yesterday morning, and Kmart says demand is already high. “We’ve even had several tradies buy it, but it’s unclear if they are using…
Read MoreIntroverts Launch Petition Calling For Permanent Ban On Kiss, Hug & Handshake Greetings
SOCIAL DILEMMA: A group of Sydney introverts have started an online petition calling for a permanent end to kiss, hug and handshake greetings. “It’s actually nothing to do with Coronavirus,” says group manager Lyle Tookley. “We just think physical greetings are awkward and totally unnecessary.” The ‘No Kiss No Shake’ petition has so far been signed by 400 introverts, since their campaign began on Wednesday. “To be honest, concerns about how to appropriately greet people used to be enough to prevent me from going out at all,” says Lyle Tookley. “I’ve really enjoyed having the Covid-19 crisis as an excuse…
Read MoreMan Who’s ‘Too Scared Of Covid’ To Return To The Office, Has Been Out Partying Every Night This Week
COVID EXCUSE: As many Sydney workers begin returning to their offices, others are trying to continue working from home. Finance worker Carl Roberts has told his boss he’s ‘worried about covid and would like to keep working remotely.’ But separately he’s admitted to DBT that he’s been out drinking at the Coogee Pavilion every night this week. “Freedom Day turned into Freedom Week, hahah” he told our reporter. “I’m not actually worried about covid. I’m just using it as an excuse to avoid the office.” And he’s not alone. Paralegal Samantha Boyd says working from home gives her the perfect…
Read MoreNew Report Shows It’s Now Harder To Get Into Kmart, Than Into The Sheaf On A Wednesday Night
RETAIL FRENZY: Sydney boomers are being blamed for long delays at the popular discount retailer Kmart. “Older shoppers are having a tough time navigating QR codes and vaccine passports,” says Irene Tomlinson from consumer group Choice. “It’s a difficult and confusing time for many of them.” Boomers are being reminded they don’t need to stand directly in front of QR codes while slowly filling out check in forms on their mobile phones. “All I want is a new toaster,” says one young shopper waiting in a long queue outside Kmart Bondi Junction. “I’ve just spent four months in lockdown and…
Read MoreWORRYING TREND: NSW Records Alarming Daily Increase In The Number Of Gym Selfies
NEW OUTBREAK: One day after gyms re-opened in NSW experts are already warning about a concerning new outbreak of gym selfies posted to social media. “We were worried this might happen,” NSW Premier Dominic Perrottet told reporters today. “Please exercise restraint at the gym, or else we’ll have to go back into lockdown.” As of 8pm last night, there were 240,871 new cases of gym selfies, up from just 14,230 the day before when people posted selfies from outdoor gym set ups. “These numbers are very concerning,” says the Premier. “We need to flatten the curve immediately. Please leave your…
Read MoreFREEDOM DAY: Punchbowl Man In Red Ferrari Currently Doing Laps Of Double Bay
VROOM VROOM: Double Bay’s streets have roared back to life today, with hundreds of expensive sports cars returning to the harbour side suburb after lockdown. “How good is Freedom Day!?” said one Ferrari driver from Punchbowl in Sydney’s west. “I haven’t left my LGA for four months!” And he’s not alone. Several other high performance vehicles are currently revving their engines as they do laps of Double Bay’s exclusive cafe strip. “I was hoping it might be a bit busier here today,” said another driver from Smithfield, as he busily looked around to see if anyone was checking out in…
Read MoreFREEDOM DAY: Pub Goers Realise That Drinking With Friends On Zoom Is More Fun & Convenient
FACE TIME: Pubs in NSW flung open their doors for the first time in four months today, but many patrons say they are left feeling underwhelmed. “I forgot what a hassle it is to get all dressed up and drive to loud, smelly, dirty pubs,” says one woman. “I wish I just stayed home to be honest.” Other pub goers say conversations with friends didn’t come as easily as they did while on Zoom chats. “The stakes are so much higher when you’re sitting face to face with someone. It can get awkward, especially when you have such loud music…
Read MoreTraffic, Crowds & Bad Weather: Calls For ‘Freedom Day’ To Be Renamed ‘Punishment Day’
PUNISHMENT DAY: Residents of Greater Sydney have woken to a shocking new report, showing that Freedom Day is the worst possible day to go out. “Traffic gridlock has immediately surpassed pre-lockdown levels, as every single person heads out at the same time,” says Matt Henley from consumer group Choice. “It’s like the Boxing Day sales out there today.” As Sydney suddenly emerges from four months of lockdown, the city is back under heavy strain, as locals go back to work, the shops, the gym, or the pub. “This is not what I call freedom,” says one man who has been…
Read More“I’m Dying For A Beer At The Pub Today,” Says Man Who’s Been Drunk At Home For The Last 4 Months
THIRSTY WORK: A Sydney man who’s spent 95% of lockdown drinking at home says he can’t wait to go to the pub today for a Freedom Day beer. “That very first sip is going to taste so good,” says Mark Radcliffe. The 33 year old alcoholic says it’ll be handy to have a genuine reason to start drinking “properly” again. “I can’t believe how long we’ve been denied a drink at the pub!?” he says. “Drinking at home alone or with friends on Zoom calls is fun and convenient, but it doesn’t really count.” Mark Radcliffe plans to head to…
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